Quote: I don't mean to put pressure on you any more than you already have, but you're my hero and I somehow feel that as much love and effort you have put into your posting here, I am connected to your success or lack thereof. What I mean is that I genuinely feel connected to your story and like I would a friend, I am pulling for you man. Keep it up. I really hope this is the turning point for you.
Wow Totally, I am humbled by your comments. I don't feel pressured, I feel honored. I am very grateful for the support too!
I guess 'baring my soul' here is very good for me, it helps me to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Here's a little 'bio' about me so readers of my words have an idea of who I really am as a person. I'll just say in short that I came from an abusive family, and I didn't fit in because I am very gifted when it comes to intellectual pursuits and technology and everyone else wasn't. As an adult I have created a couple small companies but I was too trusting in others and got screwed. The last one was what caused my depression because I made a decent amount of money selling the company during 'dot com', and I also gave half of all the stock options to my staff as a gift. The problem is the guys who I sold to didn't give a crap about the people, just making money. That wasn't what I was led to believe during negotiations because I believed in being the best and working with integrity. One by one each of my staff members left. These were people who I felt were my 'family' and each one leaving was another knife in my heart, and more guilt for making the wrong decision and thinking I had hurt the people I was supposed to protect. Depression and drinking followed for the next 6 years.
And here I am.
Through counseling I have come to realize that the staff who left had come to me with almost no skills, and went on to much better jobs than they could have possibly gotten because of the experience and mentoring I had given them. I never saw it that way, and if I did I would have punished myself less.
Anyway, I believe very highly in being Impeccable with your word (One of The 4 Agreements, get the book!) I lost that over the years during the depression, and having to stay in the company at that time knowing they were lying to people.
Now I'm independent and working on small projects. I had already known I was lost - I just believed I wasn't worth saving, and could not understand why my wife couldn't help me.
Once the bomb dropped, I HAD to save myself. Why? Because I could see that SHE needed ME and I had not been there. She was way out there with her emotions, thought she had found her soul mate and was in love with a guy who is far away and has just as many issues as she does. The kids were incredibly hurt by all this. All because of me losing myself and not being the strong, compassionate and impeccable man my wife had fallen in love with years ago.
So I have made a commitment to do WHATEVER it takes to heal my wife. Even if it means she goes to be with OM forever, or just never comes back to me anyway. Even if it means I have to sit in therapy with her and bear witness to her deep hurt and rage at me like we have in the past two sessions. Even if while doing that I can only sit and take it, or I have to apologize for every little hurt she finds in her heart that is there because I helped put it there.
She has earned that from me.
Do I think what she has done is right? No, not at all. She should have been able to face me and, as someone else said 'hit me on the head with a brick' if need be to get my attention. But she wasn't strong enough to do that. And I knew this about her and still let myself stay stuck.
I am hoping that by sharing detailed stories of my day to day events, and things my counselor does and says to me (I think she is the best, she certainly saved my life) that readers who are going through similar stuff will see that they are not alone, that there are good days and bad days, and maybe get some ideas of what to do (or not to do). I guess it's a form of unconditional love, for others in the world who are also hurting. What better way to give it than by sharing your real self with others?
My wife knew this was who I am. That's why she married me. That's why she's angry that I 'left her' and now she feels she has no choice but to move on because she can never trust me again, and she has feelings for someone else.
Maybe my wife and family will be healed and we can go on together, more healthy than ever before. Maybe we won't. If not, I know that for sure, my Wife will release her hurt and anger because I will do EVERYTHING in my power to help that to happen. My kids and I have already built whole new relationships where they are really getting to know who their Dad is, and then know more about who THEY are as a result.
So, I am slowly wiping off the dark blotch on my soul by being of service to help heal my family, my wife and anyone else I can touch with my story.
This is who I have always been. I was lost and now I'm found. I hope this didn't sound too dramatic. I'm very passionate about this and whatever happens I will know I did 'all I could do' and that I also did 'the right thing'.
Thanks for the support of everyone who has helped ME through my trials. It's not easy for me either but I have a goal that is honorable.
Wife was in a pleasant mood tonite at dinner. D15's boyfriend was here and W kept giving me 'knowing' glances and making a lot of eye contact. She's worse than a teenager! Anyway, we connected a lot through our kids. Interesting that Counselor said that would be how we would be connecting and if we reconciled, it would be through the kids and that connection.
It's bedtime now, W has gone back to 'disconnected' again. I am in my room being detached. Tomorrow is another day.
Oh yeah, she looked really attractive today. That's the hardest part. Can't touch and knowing that the last person who did was OM. And he didn't earn that right, he got it by being at the right place at the right time with a hurt and vulnerable woman.
Eventually, Karma will work it out and he will have a debt to pay.
frank, Yes, I too believe in Karma. We can make our own Karma and as long as it is good, only good things can happen. I also believe in a Universe of balance. For anything good or bad the oppostie must happen. This is, for me, the worst time in our lives. Better times must be awaiting us around the corner. You are much better than you know and will be doing great soon. Its all about patience. We just have hang in there for a little longer.
Frank, I've transversed all your posts and greatly appreciate you for sharing your guts in such detail. You are an inspiration-Thank you! I too lived with emotionally-divorced W for 11 months before she left for OM/BIL. Keep up the good work of detaching - its does work with time. If interested, my pathetic sitch...
Quote: Eventually, Karma will work it out and he will have a debt to pay.
This is right. I too am counting on it. Everybody on these boards will see the positive effects - we're all working to change and improve - without the support of or partners...
You are really "becoming" - I've been spending so much time on my sitch, I haven't been able to spend enought time over here - but you really are pulling it together....
Our W's are in the exact same place - they never expected we would change and improve - but look WE ARE. They hate being proven wrong.... we just get it now.
Hang in there...
E
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Well after last 2 days of 'awakening' my wife to the cold world of PERSONAL FINANACES She has survived. She now knows that since she wants to be 'on her own" that her first experience is to live in our current home as if she had to pay for her part of it herself.
So, today she had a budget that showed she could do it - but only if she got a real job or increased her client base. But she said she wouldn't have money to buy herself clothes very often or special things for the kids. Well that's the real world! Did you think I would just buy you another house like have all your life? NO, you left me for OM!
I talked to my friend 'J" about this and he thought it was funny that she started a divorce but really has no idea what it means financially in California. For example, if she had both kids 5 days a week and I had them 2 days a week she would get $1,700 from me total (high figure) as child support / alimony. Now subtract say $400 for food (low) at least $150 for electric and other assorted fees she's looking at utilities of at least $400 + $600 or $1000 in food and utilities. Leaving $700 plus whatever she earns, let's say $1,000 so she has $1,700 to pay rent, gas for her car, buyclothes and items for herself. Well, a 2 bedroom apt generally costs $1,700 or more!
Ain't gonna be a pretty situation. Of course losing $1,700 from my base impacts me a little but I still keep the house and conserve utilities and I'm ok. The kids would actually be better off with me since I have the large house. But the funny thing is that now she would pay ME suport, something like $132 and get NOTHING from me and have to live off her $1,000 per month. Good luck.
And I give the kids a better standard of living, she lives in poverty.
Do I like this? NO. But it would be foolish for me to think I should maintain 2 exactly the same households on my dime. THe kids should stay where they have access to thebest resources, ME. I work at home so I can be flexible too.
So, for a woman who said the divorce was going to happen 'any time' she didn't make a plan for it, now did she? Perhaps because she wasn't really sure if she wanted to do it until she met OM in Hawaii. But, A PLAN would have been better instead of just adultery. How can she sit there and say she was thinking abou tthis for 2 years when in reality she didn't "think" that there would be expenses she would have to pay for and other fun stuff.
They want us to think it was 'building up'. But even if it was, a stable person would make a plan, figure out the costs and THEN tell the husband it is now over. Not 'Sperm of the moment' decisions based on whales.
Anyway, if you ever want to feel better about WAW's financial future sucking, try this excercise in math and hve fun!
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Today W is in a good mood. A little talkative and friendly. She has her very first Individual session with our Counselor who, if you have followed my threads, is an excellent at guiding a negative emtion or blame into a recognition of your own responsibility in the situation, thus defusing the negative event.
Oh yeah, becase W is now technicaly 'in poverty' I convinced her to let me pay for the session as it is for the good of the family and she let me do it. Whew! That's all I need is her to STOP therapy right when I finally got her to go.
When she got home she was very pleasant and talked to me several times. I am still detaching so I only spoke about the qquestion I was asked and let the room when the conversation slowed down.
Same thing tonite. Geting along with the girls and nopbody is pissed off tonite. Very surprising.
The financial thing is a MAJOR part of my sitch too. I think my W has not even considered for one minute what a D would mean to her, me or the kids in terms of financial well-being. You know, when I look over the history of your sitch, it kinda makes me wonder just what it takes for these people to realize what we are willing to do for them, and us. I guess the power of the devil you don't know is more than the one you do, even if they've transformed themselves into a halo-toting angel before your eyes. WTH! You have done so much and she's just stared back at you, lost in her drug (OM) induced world, watching you transform from a depressed man unable to care for you OR her, to a man embracing his own issues, dealing with them AND still finding room in his heart to try to insure HER growth as a person through all this. Truly astounding when you think of it and the sad part is that the codependent...er..optimistic married man in me is willing to brush aside recognition of all that personal growth for one more night of love (not sex) from my wife, and also wish that for you. I guess it's how we're wired, or at least I am. You have made such great strides in your life and I can only hope to be there someday. I truly hope I am there standing with my family and can't think of another way. I still have a lot of work to do...keep yours up!
I have to agree with the others here Frank, your postings have given me strength at the times when I need it. You have been ever so insighful and sharing. Keep up the good work with your sitch and just know that a lot of people on here are pulling for you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hey Frank, Sounds like you've got some positives going on. Keep it up.
Let's talk finances for a moment, shall we? I don't get what the WAS is thinking at all. I'm on the opposite side of this situation than you as my H is the wage earner and will have to be paying me to settle all of this up. Showing your W what her life will be like while still providing a safety net is a very good idea, I think. I wish I could make my H see how his decisions are going to impact him financially There doesn't seem to be a way to give him that "test" until it's a done deal.
My H has walked away from a beautiful home. He owns a percentage of 2 companies, both valued in 7 figures. He makes a ton of $. In Ohio, marital assets are split 50/50 with no regard to "marital misconduct". Child support is set by guidelines and usually followed fairly strictly. The only variable is spousal support which several lawyers have told me is influenced by marital misconduct. At the end of the day, I'm going to be fairly financially secure and my H is going to be in a much worse financial situation. I don't think he has figured this out yet. He's going to be working the next 20 years just to pay me off. He continues to express his desire for us to work this out "amicably" but I think it might behoove him to speak to at leasst one attorney (he loathes attornies) so that he hears from someone else that he's just booked passage on the Titanic.
I do not want to ruin my H financially but he is the one who is walking away. Would I be better off financially if our marriage survived? Absolutely! Will I be destitute if our marriage dissolves? NO. MY H IS CHOOSING ALL OF THIS. It is out of my control. And the saddest part is......he loves me (his words)! So. What can I say? I don't think there is a test run for my H in order to make him wake up. What do you think?
Sorry for the hijack.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
