Mind if I join you for a glass of wine...

[Aprilsm4]

Writing letters seems to work well for me. I went off on a huge rage in one letter...and actually sent it to STBX. He was supposed to do the same...so we could have "closure" but he somehow never got around to it

I think it's an excellent idea...and the more bubbly the better

[bigAl]

Hey Beth, NYS posted a link to a really good anger site awhile back (Need to dig around and find it for you or maybe NYS will see this and post again) and it included some anger techniques that seemed useful. Things you could do to release your anger in a healthy way. "Course, you could always just kich STBX in the nuts next time you see him too

[Jabez]

I am thinking about ways for me to start to overcome the anger and resentment I have at my STBXH.

WCB, I am amazed at how similar our sitch's are and how close the timing is. I've been wrestling with the same thing. I was going to ask W if we are really thru, becuase if so, I need to talk to a couple of people to let them know how I see what the've done and to let them know that I forgive them.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way I can "move on" is to forgive WAW and 2 or 3 others (and myself) for what I see as contributors to the sitch. I read a book called "70 Times 7, The power of forgiveness." Forgiveness is a chioce that is mine to make and when I make it, and I mean really make the choice to forgive, then I will be freed from this hell and will have truly "dropped the rope" and WAW's antics will no longer "simmer in my soul".

The only part I'm not sure of is a) is it wise to go talk to the "others" b) do I let them know what I think and then tell them I forgive them or c) just tell them that I forgive them.

Thanks for checking in on my thread.

~J

[FiatLux]

WCB,

These are excellent resentment shedding ideas.

Interestingly, I found that the better I got at GAL work (self-love, really), the less resentment I felt. It was as if I was proving or at least selling myself on the idea, that the D turned out to be a wonderful life opportunity for me.

Not to minimize the loss of one's M or family, but merely to point that out, and to live more comfortably with the new, more flexible definitions for my love for XW and my R with her, and the nature of the combination of her, S6, and I.

Take care,

Gabe

[still_hopeful]

Hey WCB!

I think that sometimes when we are DBing we make a huge effort to surpress our anger. I think that feeling that anger and realizing that what this person did to you was absolutely unacceptable and pure BS helps us to let go of seeing them in the glow of a memory we wished we still had. So feeling some anger can be useful in a sense. But anger isn't a primary emotion. We feel angry and resentment because we feel so hurt. We feel that what happened was so unfair. Somehow we do expect life to be fair and when it isn't, it is a hard pill to swallow.

I think writing a letter to express how unjust you feel these manipulations, betrayals and let-downs of broken promises have been is healthy. Feel a little anger. And realize this anger comes just from the feeling of being let-down by the one person you believed in enough to make yourself so vulnerable to them.

And then work on accepting that life isn't fair. It's not. We can affect our lives by making good choices ourselves, by having a positive attitude, but things will happen, good and bad, that have nothing to do with whether we deserved them to happen or not. That's just life, unfortunately. When those good things happen, we know to appreciate and value them. When the bad things happen, we learn to not take it as a reflection of our worth and don't personalize it so much.

Then remember your H when you married him. Know and recognize that even though he did these aweful things and even though he knew he was hurting you, his goal was never to hurt you. It really wasn't. He failed himself too. For whatever reason, he didn't have the stamina to face whatever seemed overwhelming to him and he ran away from his problems. In doing so he hurt you and your kids and himself. But know that when he promised to love you and be faithful to you forever, he meant it. He never imagined he'd do the things he has. And I am sure that even though he did have the power to not do these things and he chose to do them, he would change it if he could. This isn't what he hoped for. He just isn't as emotionally strong as others are to endure the hardships of M. And that is about his weakness. So forgive him because he never went out and planned or intended to hurt you. He was just too weak to even do what he knew to be right. He's just a human and he's made some terrible, short-sighted choices. That's all.

I had a lot of anger and resentment built up towards my H. I struggle a litttle bit with resenting the challenges I face now due to the choices H made. But I don't have any anger in me anymore. It happened. It sucks. But that's how it is. And the difficulties I have today will be less difficult a year from now, and so on. We are resilient and we do heal.

Part of working through the anger I do believe is working on acceptance. It's hard to not feel angry about a situation you do not want to accept. It's part of still being in shock and denial about what has happened in your life. It's hard to truly accept and be at peace with. But as you work on this, you are working towards acceptance and peace with how the chips fell. And once you can accept it and no longer resent it, you will start living the life you now have and enjoying it. You won't be living in a past or with carrying the burden of broken dreams and promises. You'll be free.

You're getting there Beth!!!

[psluke]

Wow, this is a wonderful, thoughtful and insightful post. Not things we don't know but so nicely written out. Hope you don't mind I'm moving it as a reminder if the anger comes back I can have it handy to read.

[Survival_Goddess]

Journaling. I am thinking about ways for me to start to overcome the anger and resentment I have at my STBXH. I'm thinking about writing some letters and addressing EVERYTHING I've always wanted to say to him but haven't. Then getting a nice bottle of bubbly and burning the letters in the fireplace while toasting to my new future. What have you all done to rid yourself of your resentment?

I learned this technique from a therapist and I found it extremely helpful. I just write out, over and over again, "I release resentment, I release anger, I release fear, I let go of....whatever the bad emotion is at the moment. I do it until I feel finished. Then (If it is winter I burn the paper and let the fire take it away.)

When I first started doing this it was right after bomb #3 and I would fill several pages of notebook paper in a session. I didn't do it every day, but I did do it a lot. I recently read something by Barbara Sher that was quite similar. She was talking about how to heal when you lose a big dream. I think the example was a baseball player who made it to the majors and then was injured so badly during spring training he never even got to play a game. He was stuck in a mode of not being able to "fully live his life" after losing his dream.

Barbara's advice was to write out the rage...and then keep writing...double the output until you are really sick of the whole situation and ready to move on.

I think where we are at is similar. I feel robbed of my dream of the successful family life and marriage. I think I will try writing out some of my disappointment tonight.

SG

[FiatLux]

Think Kramer from Seinfeld.
Just snap your fingers whenever a thought about XH comes up and shout "Serenity Now!"

Gabe

[kismet]

Hey Beth,

I agree with the others ~ writing a letter and letting loose, but never sending it, even journalling, really helps. I find that yoga really helps me release all my emotions, or when really mad jogging. Had a thought the other day that I really can faster and longer when angry. Tempted to ask wah to say something stupid just before I go on the Fun Run in May just so I can blitz my time

Boxing bag is great too ~ oops I sound like I have real anger issues with all these solutions

Anything nice planned for the weekend?

[WindyCityBeth]

Wow!

Thanks everyone for your posts! I'll try to reply to you all here:

April -
I think it's an excellent idea...and the more bubbly the better

I'm glad to see writing worked for you! I think I need to start writing lots of letters. Maybe each one can address a different anger! And, maybe I should buy a magnum of bubbly, just in case!

Al -

"Course, you could always just kich STBX in the nuts next time you see him too


This works for me! Actually, I saved the website that NYS recommended on my computer - coping.org/anger/content.htm .

Jabez -

The only part I'm not sure of is a) is it wise to go talk to the "others" b) do I let them know what I think and then tell them I forgive them or c) just tell them that I forgive them.


Actually, you don't even have to tell the person you forgive them. You can just forgive them in your heart. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. And unless they are asking for your forgiveness, you aren't sure if they want it or if they are aware they hurt you. There's a forgiveness book out there by Janet Abrahms (I think that's how you spell her name - she wrote After the Affair). I've looked through it and it is very good. Thanks for dropping by my post. BTW, I think you know somewhere down deep if your wife is done or not. As much as I hoped, I do think I knew it was over in my sitch. Just a thought!

Gabe -

Interestingly, I found that the better I got at GAL work (self-love, really), the less resentment I felt. It was as if I was proving or at least selling myself on the idea, that the D turned out to be a wonderful life opportunity for me.


Thank you for your great insight. I think I am still early on in this D process. I guess I have supressed some things because I always hoped H and I would reconcile. Now that I am truly headed for the big D, I'm still wrapping my mind around it. I'll get there, but I think like everything else in this journey, I have to go through the whole experience to come out the other end a truly better and happier person. I'm doing better at GAL, but I'm still working on it!

Dana -

Part of working through the anger I do believe is working on acceptance. It's hard to not feel angry about a situation you do not want to accept. It's part of still being in shock and denial about what has happened in your life. It's hard to truly accept and be at peace with. But as you work on this, you are working towards acceptance and peace with how the chips fell. And once you can accept it and no longer resent it, you will start living the life you now have and enjoying it. You won't be living in a past or with carrying the burden of broken dreams and promises. You'll be free.


Another amazing post! Thanks so much for sharing that with me. I know you have helped others too (right Pam! ). I think that a big part of this is the acceptance. It's so hard. But, I am working toward that. I guess as someone who has been through this journey, you see in hindsight what needed to be done. But going through the journey was an essential part of getting to where you are. So, as much as I'd like to fast-forward through alot of this stuff, I know that I need to work through it and really accept it to move on. Thanks again for that!

SG -

Barbara's advice was to write out the rage...and then keep writing...double the output until you are really sick of the whole situation and ready to move on.

I think where we are at is similar. I feel robbed of my dream of the successful family life and marriage. I think I will try writing out some of my disappointment tonight.


I too feel robbed of my dreams and goals! And I guess that has alot to do with the resentment. SO, I'll be writing too. Maybe not tonight but I see some journaling happening this weekend!

Kismet -

Boxing bag is great too ~ oops I sound like I have real anger issues with all these solutions


The reason you don't have too many anger issues is because of all of your solutions! Have a glass of wine too. Also another way to relax!!

Journaling:

STBXH called me this morning. His reason, you ask? He's been thinking about me alot lately. Great. Don't worry. I have no false hopes. But it does hurt to talk with him. I miss my husband, lover, best friend. Or, I miss who he used to be. I miss the one person I could share everything with. Share my day each evening. But, he can't be that person for me anymore. Anyway, we talked a little about the kids and how they are handling this. Talked about lawyers and the divorce. It's just strange. He mentioned trying to do the divorce without a lawyer. I didn't agree to that. I need to make sure I'm protected, as well as the kids. But I do think we can keep costs down if we can agree to everything and not bicker. So, we'll see. He has talked to a lawyer but hasn't retained one yet.

So, that's my life. I was going to send H and e-mail asking him not to call and just chat. But I decided I'll wait to see if he starts making a habit of these calls. Once or twice, I can kinda handle. But more than that is too much of an emotional strain on me. I need to emotionally detach from him. And that takes time. And him calling and telling me he's been thinking about me alot lately doesn't help!

I'm done with the megapost!

WCB