This is a very rough stage of the D. Things will quiet when this financial part is settled. And you'll be able to shine that much more when he sees your financial success (such as living within one's budget), and he can't blame you for his mistakes anymore. Yet another positive that he won't be able to ignore.
Hi all! I'm still around! Yesterday was crazy and I was too tired to post last night. So I'll journal tonight.
Retained my lawyer yesterday. I am so very pleased with him. He's a good fit for my personality. It's nice to know there is someone out there advocating for me. It will make this process a little more tolerable!
Things have been quiet with STBXH. I did ask him to back off a little and he has. I just need some time to regroup and get my attitude back. I'm getting there! He did send me a strange text message this morning. Told me he had made an appointment with a councelor. His words - something I should have done a while ago. I hope that it helps him uncover the things inside of him that make him emotionally withdraw and run. Although I own up to my failings in our marriage, he has lots of demons. He chose to run and start the affair. He chose to keep it going even though he knew it would destroy me. He chose to get divorced even though he is unhappy. He has a lot of issues. Don't worry - I'm not hoping for reconciliation. But, I do care and I do want to see him happy and well. And that's not what he is right now.
So, that's my life right now. 16 days til I'm off on vacation. On a beach with a tropical drink in my hand. It better have that silly umbrella. And, I can dream about a hot cabana boy but since I'm there with the kids it will all have to be fantasy in my mind. But, that can be pretty hot and steamy! I've got a great imagination!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Quote: So, that's my life right now. 16 days til I'm off on vacation. On a beach with a tropical drink in my hand. It better have that silly umbrella. And, I can dream about a hot cabana boy but since I'm there with the kids it will all have to be fantasy in my mind. But, that can be pretty hot and steamy! I've got a great imagination!
I'm so envious! I don't even want to think about what I'd give up to be sitting on a beach with a good book and a frosty drink...oh, and the hot cabana boy....
Good on STBXH if he faces up to his issues with the counsellor. At least it will make him a better father for your kids.
And, I can dream about a hot cabana boy but since I'm there with the kids it will all have to be fantasy in my mind. But, that can be pretty hot and steamy! I've got a great imagination!
Yes Beth I hope there is a lot of material there to get your imagination all fired up Don't forget the sunscreen.
Wow! I'm bumping myself up from page 2. Guess that's what I get for being off the boards for a few days! I was so tired the last few nights I just crashed after getting the kids to bed. Last night I stayed up and watched the new Harry Potter DVD. Very good. So, here I am, back on the board, ready to vent a little.
Last night I laid in bed and cried. Haven't done that for a while. Had a list of why's in my head that I know will never get answered. Maybe if I post them all here, at least I will have put them out there then maybe I can let them go. So, if you don't mind the self-indulgence, here I go. These are addressed to my STBXH:
1. Why did you keep lying to me even though I told you it would devastate me?
2. Why did you not even try to really work on putting our marriage back together?
3. Why do you feel it is best to break apart our family?
4. Why do you not want to be with me anymore?
I know that I will never have answers to these questions. Actually, I do feel better just writing them out and putting them out there. Guess I'm just having trouble understanding why it is easier and better for him to break up our marriage, throw our kids into this disruptive chaos and hurt them, and disassemble 20 years of our lives than it is to leave the OW? I just don't get it. Maybe that is the problem. I read Sheila's thread this morning and she talked about being compassionate. Maybe I need to find that somewhere in all of this. I know he is hurting too. But I still think he is trying to run and hide from that hurt. He can't hide from it though. He has to face it sometime. I think I am only now truly facing many of my hurts, both those that are my own personal hurts as well as those hurts that have come from others. This will make me stronger, although sometimes that is really hard to see!
I hope that on vacation I can really leave some of this cr@p behind and just truly enjoy myself and enjoy being with the kids. I really do need to get away. So, as S6 says, 12 more days! (Who's counting? )
Here's my Cainercast for next week:
A Full Moon. In your sign. The world had better watch out. You are in no mood to be messed about with. You have targets to reach, ambitions to fulfil and points to prove. How successful will you be with all this? Extremely. Not everything will go your way this week, but you will make a lot of pleasing progress and you will soon have very little to complain about. Watch out, though, for the intensity of your emotions. You are more sensitive than you realise, and your words carry more weight than you think. Try being delicate, gentle and persuasive, this week, and you may find you never get as far as needing to lose your temper.
Very interesting. Here's to a good week!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Hey Beth. Don't worry about your anger and resentment too much now. It's a necessary stage and I wouldn't try to get to the compassion stage too quickly. In a way, you have been putting your normal reactions on hold for a long, long time. Much longer than many of us. It is only now, with the decision in hand, that you have the freedom to uncork the bottle and let them pour out. Let the anger empty first. It can be really handy to keep out any regrets that you don't need since you made a herculian effort to save things.
Hope you get lazy this afternoon too. And what goes on in Aruba, stays in Aruba
Great big GF huggs!! I so know where you are right now. The "why's" are hell. That's exactly where I was before I chatted with my co-worker. And, in a email that night, I thanked him for getting rid of those questions by showing me the other side. I made the comment that I couldn't understand how my XH could not try to save our family or change. He said "Sheila.. the answer is easy. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. XH doesnt love himself. He doesnt know HOW to love you right now and you can't fix that" That made and impression, but it was our convo later that struck home.
My friend left his wife in 1997. He didnt plan on it.. he didnt want to and had decided to stay until their kids were raised. But, they were both miserable. His W couldnt understand why he didnt love her the way she needed and he hated himself for it. Although being gay was the reason and maybe that'd be easy to understand.. I dont think it's all that diff from what other WAS deal with. They get to a point where they aren't happy.. they want to be happy.. it's not really us necessarily.. it's just that life has changed or they have problems and they can't find their way back into the marriage. At least that's the way it is with my XH. His depression; the way he handles problems; his childhood; baggage we've built up in our R. He loves his family, or at least wants to, but he's not mentally or emotionally able to pull it off right now. Maybe that's what answered the Whys for me. I saw that it doesn't HAVE to be about him not caring or wanting to hurt his family. The only answer that makes sense at all, is that he just can't and even he doesn't know why.
Would these answers help? I had almost the same exact questions.. and now I'd answer them for my XH like this because I truly believe this happened to him as much as it did to us.
1. Why did you keep lying to me even though I told you it would devastate me? He didnt want to devestate you with the truth or maybe he didnt know what the truth was.
2. Why did you not even try to really work on putting our marriage back together? I've asked this over and over. My answer for this question is that he did try. He tried in the way he knew how, but didnt have much to give it. His head is barely above water getting out of bed every day, dealing with the guilt, and being emotionally depressed - he gave what he could, it just wasnt enough.
3. Why do you feel it is best to break apart our family? This too has haunted me. They'd at least do it for the family, wouldnt they? I think they just cant do family right now. It's too complicated.. too hard. The might feel it's NOT best to break up the family, but staying together and being miserable is worse for everyone. If you can't see happiness at the end of the road.. sometimes giving up seems like the right thing to do. And I realize our sitch's are diff.. my XH wouldve stayed here miserable for a long time... he didnt deal the final blow. Our family was destroyed long before the decision was final, so neither of us felt it was best to break it apart.. we just couldnt put it back together.
4. Why do you not want to be with me anymore? Oh Beth.. huggs! He doesnt know how to? Does it have to be that he doesnt want to? My XH told me last spring that he stayed away because he hadnt changed and didnt know if he could. After all we'd been through, he didnt want to hurt me anymore. He still cared for me (the depression destroyed his feelings of love for awhile), and eventually he loved me again, but he could see the pain he'd caused. He didnt want to face it, and he didnt want to come back until he was sure he wouldnt do it again. I insisted that he come back and he did, but it just added to the hurt.. just like he knew it would because he couldnt get his life straight.
I hope this wasnt too big a hi-jack.. hope it helped a little. Your answers are there somewhere but maybe they don't have to be based on him not caring, not wanting, not needing.. maybe they can be because he cant or doesnt know how to right now. I know a lot of sitch's where that might not be the case, but if I remember correctly your H is also being treated for depression and has been very confused. It just might be too much for him and easier to run away from it.
In a way, you have been putting your normal reactions on hold for a long, long time. Much longer than many of us. It is only now, with the decision in hand, that you have the freedom to uncork the bottle and let them pour out. Let the anger empty first. It can be really handy to keep out any regrets that you don't need since you made a herculian effort to save things.
Yes, I have held in most of my emotions for a long time. I truly, truly believed we would reconcile. So, after 18 months, I am finally letting some of the anger and resentment out. I have to. It's eating at me. I don't like the feeling at all. It has me all off-balance. It's time to slowly even out my emotions and get back into balance. That's my biggest goal right now.
Sheila -
Thanks for a lovely post. It really spoke to me and I am so glad you shared your experiences with me. I do believe my H is doing this because he doesn't know how to get out. He is stuck and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. So, since he knows he can't stop what he is doing right now, he is ending our marriage to stop hurting me. I do truly believe he is in a true state of confusion. He may never get out of it. But no matter what, I have to move on.
I dont think it's all that diff from what other WAS deal with. They get to a point where they aren't happy.. they want to be happy.. it's not really us necessarily.. it's just that life has changed or they have problems and they can't find their way back into the marriage.
He loves his family, or at least wants to, but he's not mentally or emotionally able to pull it off right now. Maybe that's what answered the Whys for me. I saw that it doesn't HAVE to be about him not caring or wanting to hurt his family. The only answer that makes sense at all, is that he just can't and even he doesn't know why.
These two passages right here made so much sense to me. I too believe that is my STBXH. He does love me. He does love our family. But he is emotionally unable to be the man we (myself and our family) need him to be right now. I do feel sorry for him. I see such deep sorrow in his eyes. Perhaps things are actually better for me than him. At least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - even though it is still very far away.
Your answers are there somewhere but maybe they don't have to be based on him not caring, not wanting, not needing.. maybe they can be because he cant or doesnt know how to right now. I know a lot of sitch's where that might not be the case, but if I remember correctly your H is also being treated for depression and has been very confused. It just might be too much for him and easier to run away from it.
My STBXH is not being treated for depression, although he might be a little depressed. But I really do think he feels he has gone too far and running is his only option.
Again Sheila - thanks for your post. It has REALLY helped me!
Hugs to all -
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Hi Beth~ how many sleeps until you are lazing away, cocktail in hand?
Sheila what a lovely post. I got a lot from it too. I do think my wah is one of the ones that doesn't love himself so this "Sheila.. the answer is easy. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. XH doesnt love himself. He doesnt know HOW to love you right now and you can't fix that" reaffirmed what I suspected. Thanks.
So Beth was the pizza yummy? I too use a pizza stone although mine is just a large terracotta floor tile. Thinking gluten free pizza may be on the menu soon.
((((Beth))) sorry all these feelings are coming up. But it is for the best and they will make for a stronger wiser Beth Mach II
