Dear Michele, During a marriage counseling session, after 11 years of marriage, and four children, I heard my wife say these words that rocked my world and sent my life into a tail spin. She said “I have the energy, but not the desire for this marriage”. Ouch!!! Those words sent painful shockwaves through my emotional system and thus began our five and a half year odyssey. My first reaction was a combination of pain, shock, fear and denial. I was so shocked and afraid of how serious this was, but I was in denial about her logic.
She claimed that I was never there for her, that I was critical of her, that I didn’t support her, that I only showed affection for her when sex was involved. She said she had made a conscious decision to detach emotionally from me several years before. She said she regretted it, that she was sorry, she knew I was a good man, but she just had no desire. She loved me, but was “not in love with me”.
I could not believe what I was hearing. Why didn’t I get a warning? We were the perfect couple. She used to tell me how much she loved me, and what a great husband I was. It just didn’t make sense to me. I was a successful business man, father, volunteer, etc. I was a great catch, and all my friends told me so. What the ???? was wrong with her. It must be depression, or mid life crisis. Oh my God, maybe it’s another man?????
Well, I panicked. I jumped right in and started doing all the things she said I had not done. I told her she was blowing it, and she agreed with me. I expected her to change immediately. I expected her to CHANGE NOW!
As the weeks and months rolled on, things kept getting worse, not better. The more she withdrew from me, the tighter I held on. In tears of pain I begged and pleaded with her not to leave me. I provided her divorce statistics, about the affects on children, relationship articles to read, pressured her into counseling, and a weekend retreat designed for troubled marriages. Nothing made any difference, in fact things just kept getting worse.
Our counselor’s, family, friends etc. diagnosed that she must be depressed or something. We tried to get her to drug herself out of it. She just said no, and detached herself more. Finally she couldn’t stand my relentless pressure anymore, and she demanded we separate. On a dark but sunny day in June 2002, I packed my things and moved out.
After several months of separation, it became clear that she liked living separately from me. She was moving on with her life, glad that I was gone. It felt like a dark cloud emerged every time I got near her. The marriage counselor’s had run out of ideas how to fix her, and finally they advised me to force a decision. Make her decide, either divorce or marriage they said. Well, with limbo not being an option for her, she opted for the only choice she could make, divorce. She made the decision and said her “heart was at peace with it”. I could see it in her face, she was DONE! That was rock bottom for me, and it was just about then that I really turned to God and began a fantastic spiritual journey.
I soon came to realize MY failings and weaknesses. After all this time, I WAS STILL critical of her, controlling, unsupportive, unfriendly, and unloving. My pride and ego were the main problem here. I thought it was her that was the problem NOT ME! But it was a big lie that I kept telling myself. I was not the friend and lover that I should have been and it took a lot of time and struggle to figure that out, accept it, and change it all. Only God’s powerful grace and wisdom could pull this off. I started changing my attitude and actions. I let go my pride and allowed her the space, the limbo period she really wanted and needed. We worked through a painful financial separation but didn’t divorce.
In 2004, God lead me to Divorce Busting. I read your books, and visited the forums daily. I also consulted with your coaches. I worked the program as best I could. We seemed to be making progress, but it was such a slow process. Looking back in terms of days and weeks I saw little progress, but as time moved on, looking back 6 to 12 months I noticed considerable progress. Goals were being met, hearts were softening, but we far from reconciliation. My wife began to notice and acknowledge the changes I had made, but she still wasn’t sure. She could not, and would not give any hope for our marriage.
The weeks and months rolled by and there was slow but steady growth. It was like watching the world turn. It’s very slow, yet steady and constant. During the light of day, it’s hard to see the world turning, but at sundown, you can measure the slow revolution as the sun sets. Your faith gets restored that changes ARE happening whether you can immediately see them or not. Looking back days and weeks the growth was hardly noticeable, but looking back six months or a year, it was clear to see.
Time marched on, and I witnessed several marriages saved at Divorce Busting, I also witnessed too many end. I wondered what would happen to my marriage, but I didn’t dwell on the negative possibilities. I remained faithful to your thread, and my faith in God helped me build the strength and courage I needed to let go. Gradually, with the help of my friends at Divorce Busting and God’s grace, I found a way to let go the shackles of neediness, fear, and anger. I fought my inner demons; the need to judge, control, and criticize. I learned how to love, like 1 Corinthians 13. I moved on with MY life, judged only MY actions, changed MY life and My heart. I learned how to love, support, and accept my wife just the way she was, unconditionally, as she felt, and for what she needed. I started smiling more, laughing more, saying yes more, helping more, supporting more. We built a wonderful friendship together, but still my wife rejected any movement beyond friendship.
It was important for her to have the feelings she longed for, before we could move beyond friendship. As frustrating as it was for me to hang in there, by the grace of God, and with the help of my family at Divorce Busting, I was able to hang on and continue to love her unconditionally for about another two years. I did my best to completely accept and support her emotionally as a best friend would. We both became more and more comfortable with our friendship and acknowledged that we had become BEST friends.
I started to understand why she left our marriage. She wanted a deep emotional connection to the man she was married to, or none at all. I began to feel that deep connection, and realized she was right. I deeply admired and respected her desire and demand for a deep and powerful connection to the man she loves. I eventually came to realize that I wanted the same thing.
Then I realized that she was actually the one waiting for ME. She waited all this time for ME to change. She already knew what love and deep emotional connection were. She didn’t need any fixing. She simply wanted a man that could love her back, unconditionally, deeply, spiritually, and honestly. Wow! What a concept, and what a great teacher she is.
I’m writing this today because we’ve finally made that deep connection. Just two weeks shy of being separated for four years, we’ve made it. After years of moving at a snails pace, the last few weeks seemed to move exponentially. Finally last Sunday, the walls came down, the ignition fired, the electrical currents connected, and the lights came on. Our journey is complete, and our next one has just begun. We both know we’ll be together forever. It’s truly a storybook ending. We didn’t get “back together”, we’ll never go back, we’re moving forward together.
We have a lot of details to work through but we’re taking it one moment at a time. Enjoying our new sacred connection. Our friends and family, especially our kids, are so happy and supportive. None more than the two of us. We know our marriage will continue to face challenges, but our faith in God and in each other will guide us through any crisis we will face. Our marriage is God’s marriage, and He will see us through, as individuals and as a couple.
Thank you again for Divorce Busting, you helped save my marriage, and many other marriages. A marital separation is by far the most painful experience I could imagine. There were many times I felt like I was tasting hell. I can see why most couples give up, and divorce. Unfortunately they will never experience the most rewarding, heavenly grace filled experience one could ever imagine. I thank the Lord above for not sparing ME any pain. For it is through that pain and struggle, that our marriage was saved, and more importantly our souls were saved.
