I got chills reading the first couple of posts because this eerily sounds like the sitch that I went through two years ago.....I had to do a double take on the name.....
I really can't wait to find out where this goes....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Working 12hr night shifts is exhausting! (I'm a nurse, by the way, not a writer! But thanks to whoever suggested that to me, I wish. Actually my H is the great writer. He just started a blog and it's really good, I'll send you guys a link later in our story maybe!)
SO, let's jump back into the fray. OMGosh, as I'm writing this I'm soooooooo glad it's not Dec/Jan/Feb anymore. What a nightmare.
As I mentioned in someone else's thread, my H was convicted to break it off with OW b/c he didn't want to ruin a 2nd family/marriage, NOT b/c he was dedicated to ours. He in fact told her he expected to be divorced and a single dad. She was married with a child the same age as my D, and 2 stepkids. In the end, it doesn't matter what he told her, but what he DID. I write that sentence more for myself, as I have to remind myself a lot of these type of things.
SO, he comes upstairs one wee-hour morning to announce that it's over. They had an email 'argument' and the servers go down, so he calls her and it ends on the phone. She is furious that he's been trying to end it and 'leave her when she needs him the most'. Excuse me while I go vomit. Anyway, I said "if she loves you so much because you're a good man, she should appreciate that you're trying to do the right thing." and he said "that's exactly what I told her", which I thought was kind of funny: here we are agreeing about the breakup points. Life is surreal.
He leaves early the next a.m. to take our D to get her tonsils out (I have to stay home with our sick S), so he is gone all day long from email access. He has no cell phone of his own (since his job took theirs back upon his termination) and he takes mine, so I know she's not calling him on that one. No email access all day for him. Here is the one day I only "semi-snooped". I opened his email account, and saw an email sent from her at 4am. The screen only shows you about the first sentence of the body of the email, so I read that part only ("well that seemed too easy for you") and closed the program.
H comes home, we deal with D, etc. and late in the evening he says "I've been dreading this all day" and LOGS ON TO HIS EMAIL IN FRONT OF ME (previously unheard of) while I'm across the room, and pulls up that email. It was so hard, but I stayed across the room and resisted the strong urge to read it over his shoulder, but I looked over and saw that it was the longest email in the History of Mankind, the words took up the whole screen. H commented 'wow, it's a long one', and read it once, deleted it, and blocked her emails from his account. All in front of me. AGAIN, quite a change from any earlier behavior. He just said it was a blaming, accusing email about him breaking it off, etc. gave me no detail really.
In the back of my head while he's doing this, I am thinking I'll read it later b/c my spyware would be sending me a screenshot of his desktop (one taken every 3 minutes) while he had it pulled up. ALAS, he read it so fast that my program has a before & after screenshot - but no email. So it's lost forever. I still think about that email occasionally and wish I had seen it. Of all the emails I read from her, I'd sure like to see that last one. I know it's just as well, but there's my 'bad dog' wanting to be fed. I fight that so much.
Back in early January, we started MC (yes, the affair was still ongoing at this point) under the guise of 'me' getting help for my issues and I asked if he wanted to come that first time and he agreed. So we had been going to a counselor who was highly recommended, but was highly ineffective. We went for 2 months and got nowhere with his help (he couldn't even remember our names for the first 15 minutes of each session, had to use a cheat sheet!), and did all the stuff Michele says you DON'T need in a counselor (feelings, past childhood stuff, no goals set). I said in March to H, "I don't think we're getting anywhere".
AAHH! Time to go get my kid from school, will go ahead and post this and do more tonight. Lyrics later as well!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Oh my, ya'll. Going back over all this stuff I think is affecting my subconcious along with PMS. I have really backslid on my attitude toward H in the last few days. Even threw some nasty verbal daggers at him that were hurtful. We had an argument about all that today. This whole process is painful, and reliving the A here is not going well for me in real life, I guess.
But on the upside, you guys know most everything about the A and OW now, so there won't be much info left to tell you and we'll be on to my R issues now (of which there are many. groan)
Almost finishing in a nutshell re: OW, so I can stop being a Horror Show here at home~
The breakup is late January. About mid-February, there is a phone message from a recruiter in OW's far-off city that is a mutual friend of H and OW. OW has forwarded H's resume to him, and so he called. H was home, saw the city on caller ID, didn't answer and listened to message. I get home, and he tells me about it. Later that evening, he checks email and has one from OW (he blocked her emails previously from his 'secret' email account, this is another email acct), that is very professional/cold about having drinks with mutual friends the previous night, they asked about H, and blah blah, didn't know your situation but forwarded your resume. H didn't respond, told me about it, and forwarded me the email to see with "I do not want to be where I don't need to be. I am where I need to be" written to me. No massive declarations of love, okay yeah, but he's doing the right thing....and does not respond to phone message or OW's email.
So now we limp into March, still going to crappy MC, me working, him still looking for a job (amazing, b/c his resume is so fantastic. I never would have believed in December that he would still be out of work. Convinced it was the Lord keeping him here to work stuff out). So now I guess I get to tell you all about our sex life. Sigh. Or lack thereof.
When we met, and early in our marriage: bunnies. BUNNIES, I tell you! I'm sure many of you can say the same. Can't keep hands off each other, ML all the time. Life is a cabaret. Ah, memories.
So, several years in, it gets pretty sporadic, but still around. Then we have our 2nd child, and don't ML until he is ONE YEAR OLD, and we go away on a grown-up only weekend (jan 2002). Think that's bad? After that weekend, TWO AND A HALF YEARS pass before we ML during another grown-up weekend away (aug 2004) and hey, I'm thankful to be thrown a bone (twice! in 2 days!) but it just wasn't great sex between us. I of course was so grateful for some, that I chose to ignore that fact, and the fact that although we were together and it was pleasant, the entire trip was strained/distant in the big picture of our R. Looking back, it's so obvious, but not then. I figured that things were not the joy of yesteryear, I just attributed that to how little time we'd been able to spend together in general with his work travel. Still no A going on, just crap in the M.
So, after the great Mediocre Sex of 2004, we have none (none!) . Again, large stalemate in the marriage as I've mentioned previously. We 'argue' about it some, but really. How far are you going to get in having sex when you're b*tching about it? I felt completely undesired/unattractive, no matter how much he told me otherwise, there were no ACTIONS to back it up. Ugh. Makes me mad to think about it (not like I'm not always thinking about it).
So then, my not-digging-me-physically H goes and has a fcuking A. WHAT?!?! My H is having a PA? Emailing ILY, I want to marry you, I want to ML to you non-stop, we'd wear out mattresses on a regular basis?! WTF? Kill me now. Again ya'll, this is made harder by me snooping and reading all these words from the pit of hell. This is an extra-special-added-bonus pain, like a cherry on top of the sundae of the already fun betrayal/pain of an A, b/c he was not ML to me for years, multiple. YEARS, people. Dammit.
So in the middle of the discovered affair/email affair in my home, lots of hostility between us, and "I don't love you and I will never love you again" from H. ouch. thanks.
Then it ends, the A. And we are tiptoeing around whether or not we're going to make it, want to make it. No physical contact. Some nice gestures and attempts at friendship stuff by H (cards, etc. but zero romance attached). And then, oh yeah, into March. I'm DYING emotionally, but also physically with all this crap in my head about the A and their ML vs. our ML and WTF, etc etc.
So, one night I initiate it (after DAYS of working up courage and having about 3 talking points ready if I have to convince/argue to get him to comply), and he completely goes there with no convincing. wow. and hey, it's pretty darn good (wall, bathroom sink, floor! bring it on!). Afterwards, he says "I didn't think you were ever going to let me do that again" and I say " I didn't think you were ever going to WANT to do that again". He kisses me and says ILY. I think I've died and gone to heaven. He leaves me a post-it to find in the kitchen the next a.m. that reads "I think we're going to be OK" and draws a heart. This is the 12 hour period of time I cling to in my head as I have lived these next months after that. I could be posting in SSM too. sigh. GH, I feel your pain honey. Oh, and something funny? This was the first time we'd ever ML in OUR OWN HOME we'd bought 3 years ago. Ever.
Okay, will pause, must sleep. There's one more contact from OW I'll post about, and then hopefully we'll be done with her. Was planning to post some really hopeful lyrics, but not today. Resurfaced emotions + Fight w/ H + PMS + No sex in the foreseeable future = Lyrics of angst & adultery (more Imogen Heap. Love her):
Doing everything by halves, You got a real flare with excuses Meeting someone at the bar, Where loose ends still have uses
It's complicated, (This time I think it could be) Triangulated, (It could be just what we need) So what d'you say, we give it up and walk away? We're overrated, anyway
We're kissing without kissing, And got it down to a fine art Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky, But we grew up and wide apart Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time How will the good times ever roll on? Comparing photos then and now, now and then, Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong
It's complicated, (This time I think it could be) Triangulated, (It could be just what we need) So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away? Nothing to salvage anyway
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
How many people on this board must I beat with a noodle? Snooping is a nightmare in the end.
You can Google keylogger software, but I'm not helping anyone with specifics. It will KILL YOUR SOUL to have TMI. Hello? McFly? Does anyone not GET that but me (and maybe GH)?
Thus ends the morning rant. Carry on.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Just so you know, dmw is the one in his/her M that has had the A. He/she isn't interested in snooping on an A, but (I presume) making sure that his/her spouse isn't squirreling money aside and taking it to the Caribbean or something.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Our stories are very similar. I thought if you looked up integrity in Webster's my H Picture was in there. Maybe their side by side.LOL I know you story far to well. Have felt all the same feeling emotions, the snooping, the lies only to find out I was right all along. H denying it the whole time. Only I find out one year after H ended the A. I was one of the one's that contacted the OW. She tryed to make herself seem like a caring person. I wasn't going to have her control the situation and make me seem like the bad girl. My marriage survied, her's crumbled. H and I made it through, but it was not easy. years of counsling. The funning thing is that after 8 years of not seeing or hearing from her, I run into her at the skating rink. (My son plays hockey) New job for her there. But you know what she couldn't handle seeing me all the time and quit. HAHAHA.
My H and I are survivor's of EA. Every day is a complete stuggle but we will move on and survive.
Thanks to all for chiming in; don't mean to bash at all if I'm in the wrong about the snoopage. Still don't wish to post specifics re: spyware in case it "falls into the wrong hands, and used for evil instead of for good" if you know what I mean. And I think that you do.
Will be back later tonight to try to move closer to present-day in my sitch.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
To be fair, how about be honest, and when you're feeling calm, explain (or email) H that right now, this past week or so, you've been rehashing hard feelings about the A, and it's why you're crabby. Tell him it's something you have to work through and might need to talk to him about it as well? Sounds like you're at that stage, or maybe already have been.
Just be open with what you're going through, like you are here...and he can be prepared to be more patient.
