Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

Oh, we're cross posting on each other's threads! Wheeee!
Yes, I did get the nice email, God bless him, but need to breathe away from rehashing the saga, or I may come apart tonight! Yeah, I should probably tell him something about why I've backslid so noticeably (sp?) lately in my emotions, by going over the A in my head. Again, good idea.

[believing_isaiah43]

Okay, I'm now about to be hopelessly out of order in my saga, but here are tonight's emails between me & H on my own thread instead of Always14's thread - although I used many of her words verbatim in my first email, b/c they were SO GOOD (and b/c we were apparently separated at birth or something)...

After arguing most of day/evening, I sent him this (credit to Always):
What do I fear? Of course, the pain and anxiety. A role reversal that I don't intend, with me the only one 'plugged in' emotionally. I fear not being wholly loved ever again. I fear I won't be able to be who I need to be, the wife I want to be.  I fear that I cannot trust again, always suspecting and worrying as a part-time job. 

What do I hope? I hope for peace in each of our hearts and the outcome that God created for us, I hope we follow that path with happiness in our souls. I hope that each of us ends up doing what makes us happy--sometimes, that is what takes most courage of all.  I hope to be the best person I can be, the person I want to be, at all times.  I hope, in what time we have left together that I give the very best of myself to a person I love and cherish, no matter the outcome. 

His reply:
And I hope for exactly the same things.  We aren't far apart on that.  I understand your fear, which is why I have been so focused on not giving you anything to worry you or to make you feel like I am keeping something from you.  That's why it is kind of difficult when you start treating me like I am holding out on you.  It makes anything I do seem like nothing.
 
This is fixable.  The whole thing.

Gosh, but I love this man. Dammit.

Anyway, I also (at A14's suggestion, b/c by now she's brilliant and I'll follow her off a cliff) emailed him that I've been rehashing the A this week and it's causing me some mental anguish that I'm not containing well. Here's that email:

This past week or so, I've been writing about the affair (I loathe that word) and along with Hormonal Fun for the month, I'm now sure it's why I'm being more difficult than normal about things. It's something I have to work through, and I apologize that I've not separated 'then' and 'now' well when rehashing the chronology.  A little PTSD rearing its head, I'm guessing.  Would've mentioned it before now had it occurred to me sooner. On the upside, I'm almost finished.

His reply:
Understandable.  Where might this chronology be published? 

haha. The wit. He's got a blog, and I'm guessing he thinks I'm writing non-anonymously about it online or otherwise. I replied not to worry.

OMGosh, For the Love of a Princess from the Braveheart soundtrack is playing on my iTunes shuffle. (sniff, sniff)

Anyway, at the risk of confusing all of you, that's a fast forward to this evening. And no, we're not separated, just in different parts of the house b/c we live separately after the kids go to sleep, mostly. We email at night, talk during day.

Although we are going to have a DVD-night tomorrow, and I dare to hope that he'll come to bed at the same time, but probably not. sigh. baby steps.

[believing_isaiah43]

sigh. Warning: rant ahead

Tough weekend. Much backsliding. Gosh, I suck at this. I am so easily flooded with A thoughts, and feeding the bad dog, thinking he wants to be with her, if she weren't married he'd have chosen OW, if he hadn't been fired he would've left me as he was planning, etc. and then I go and freaking SAY it to him b/c I have NO SENSE, ya'll. None. ugh. And his (sensible) argument back to me is that I am keeping him chained to his A, when he's trying to distance himself from it and I keep locking him back up to it. That I think about her so much more than he does now. But that wan't the case before, I retort. Because I'm a retorter. Because I suck. GOD, I HATE HOW HARD THIS IS. I just cannot move past it like I want, with any CONSISTENCY. Dangit.

So Saturday night is eleventeen-million steps backwards, b/c I'm so frustrated with the grass-growing-slowness of our R that I want to either slam full-throttle into a better R with H RIGHT-FREAKING-NOW thankyouverymuch, or RUN from it in frustration, and separate from him to just get my thoughts together away from seeing him so much. I keep thinking I could just GAL w/o him so much easier if he weren't in my face. And instead of just chewing on that when it comes into my head, I keep BRINGING IT UP. Because I suck at this, and am showing my a$$ every time my emotions flare up. I cannot contain myself for any decent length of time. So, of course, he sees no real changes in me b/c I keep reverting to freak-chick. ARGH! I am so mad at me. And he (correctly) says to me, "You are not a safe place for me when you act like this" and it's true. I'm like some nitro that you can't shake or knock, or I'll explode with emotional goo all over the ceiling.

We're okay again, but it was a long nasty Saturday night, and H coming back upstairs and grabbing me in a hug and saying "We can do this" - despite the affair, my gosh, he's a better man than I.

I am so burned by the lack of sex in the M; my gosh, could the man please just throw me against the wall? I'm about to die over here. This whole Sat argument started when he came up to kiss me goodnight, and I grabbed his shirt to hold him nearer for a while, and he pulled away. And so it began. B/C I'm insulted by that - hello, not an issue with OW (jealousy, jealousy) - and he feels like I'm trying to 'eat him alive' (reference back to his mother who STILL tries to do this), so he keeps saying 'it's not YOU, I would have this issue with anyone I was married to, any woman who was close to me, b/c of my mother" - we are seeing a new MC that we both like, and I encouraged him to bring this up in MC so we could figure out what to do about it. and he agreed to, but i'm not sure if he'll do it. I'm about to LOSE MY MIND from desire for H and wishing he could overcome his crap. B/C this didn't happen until after we were M, I was like "hell, I'll D you just so you'll dig me again" which of course is wrong and all my volatile emotions rising up. I cannot beat those things down, and verbal daggers are NOT effective but I cannot seem to SHUT THE F UP when I'm upset. I am so frustrated with me. and he keeps saying he's the one who's expected to do all the changing and i'm not doing any changes. or very little. (insert primal scream here)

So we start another week, and he's preoccupied and distant and I'm all freaked out inside for no reason, and can't seem to figure out how to interact with him to get back to where we were before I became psycho-of-the-weekend.

Thus ends the evening rant.

[Walking]

Have you done much reading on this issue? May I suggest


After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis A. Spring
and

NOT "Just Friends" : Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

They are both v. good books for understanding what you are going through at the moment.

Good luck

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks Walkingback! I have read "NOT Just Friends" and there are a trillion little post-it flags sticking out from the pages!

I've read SO many books, but have not read After the Affair, so off to find it! Many thanks for wading thru my ranting and your calm reply in the face of my present insanity.

I calmed myself down a bit by taking my sketchpad & pencils into my D6's room tonight. By the nightlight glow, I sketched her hugging her bear while sleeping. So sweet, and made me feel nice to get back into that after many years away. (My mother's day present I asked for) I'm rusty, but pleased with the results. H came home from the gym and found me in there and seemed impressed, too. I think he may have even called me "baby" but I could have been audio-hallucinating in the quiet of D's room...

Tomorrow is another day and as I remind myself all the time: God is in charge & His mercies are new every morning.

Thank God that He doesn't get crazy like I do, or we'd all be Toast.

[grasshopper]

believing,

This may be a bit off, and if it is, I am sorry, but you seem to be VERY caught up in the drama of all this. I am NOT saying you like it but you do seem to be passionate about every aspect of your ordeal and I don't think that serves you well. I think one thing you could do to maybe curb your need to be DOING something all the time is to just slow down. Take a breath. Sketch (nice BTW). Anything to put the brakes on. That's why GAL is so important, in addition to the message it sends WAS, because without occupying our minds with something else, we would burn out VERY quickly thinking about this as I think you are.

You seem a lot like me in the sense that you can communicate pretty well with us AND with yourself and that is a double edged sword. Your self dialog is going a million miles a second and I think you just need to understand that this WILL NOT be a fast paced process and the more you interject your "passion" into it, the more likely your H may feel stifled, pressured and otherwise less motivated to "work" on things.

He DOES seem to be the more calm one but I suspect that your "manic" approach, or at least what we see here as such, may put him off a bit, and to read into it even more, it could be that it always has.

So much of this is about understanding ourselves AND the perception others have of us. Not that perception should be the thing we worry about the most but we still need to be aware of how WE think of ourselves and then how that translates into what we project into the world. I think you are starting to understand that you are your own worst enemy so start working on being your best friend. Help yourself by NOT reveling in the drama. When you get worked up over something, recognize that and the just go for a jog or meditate, anything other than going to H and "expressing yourself" in a time of heightened emotion or energy. There will be time and places for that kind of expression later. For now, maybe a more gentle approach, one you FORCE yourself to adopt, may work better.

As for the lack of sex, I get that, I really do but your H seems to be a man of the sort that actually DOES attach something to sex other than just the physical act and as such, may need a lot more time to get to that point. I know my W is taking a LONG time to get there but I am still plugging away, trying to subtly increase our intimacy level so she feels more and more comfortable. I would LOVE to throw her against a wall, as OT has suggested, but I am 100% positive that she is not ready for that. Maybe your H is 100% positive YOU aren't either, lol. I hope there is a wall throwing in BOTH of our futures.

All in all, I think you are doing better than you think and yes, you need to back off a bit from H but you also need to cut yourself some slack.

I also think you stand to get some good feedback here because you ARE so good at telling your story. Not only that but you will help people too because your communication of not only what you and H DO but how you FEEL is really good for us to understand. Please, keep posting and we'll keep reading.

Oh, and are you seeing a C?

GH

[believing_isaiah43]

GH, thank you for taking the time to post to my situation.

but you seem to be VERY caught up in the drama of all this.

Absolutely. A lifelong issue. I have been so caught up in 'being pursued' that I would get in my car after fighting with boyfriends in college and 'make' them chase me down. What a nightmare I was. I think my passion is initially great in a R, and then backfires completely long-term. I'm not sure what the attraction to drama is (as if the absence of it would be a bad or something), but it's been around me forever. Obviously of my own design.

Your self dialog is going a million miles a second

your "manic" approach, or at least what we see here as such, may put him off a bit, and to read into it even more, it could be that it always has.

Hard to read, but accurate. Difficult to see & accept how I come across to people. A throwback to my childhood crap: If I dance fast enough, you won't see how screwed up I am. Not how I wish to be perceived, but completely understandable. It's funny how the things people like about me in public (enthusiasm/passion/fun, etc) doesn't translate well into my M b/c some of it is a masquerading dance that doesn't work well in deeper-than-surface M (if that makes sense).

We are in MC together (a bad C from Jan-March, and currently one C we like for about 3 sessions now), and I've been in IC on and off for oh, forever, it seems. Just joint MC going on now.

[always_14]

Hey BI! Sorry about the bad weekend. Your thought processes sound a lot like mine did before, and sometimes still do. I agree about GH's comments and drama, and wanted to add a few more observations.

1) This is a dramatic situation in your life. I find myself getting busy with life and suddenly stopping and actually thinking of the situation for what it is and it's like a smack "I cannot believe this Jerry Springer drama is my life." Yes, it is. Also, the very nature of lying, trust, deceipt, having to go through great lengths to find details of the reality of your life drives you crazy. I got to a point where I felt genuinly crazy. I had no idea of reality. When I was at work, with friends, etc, it was a respite to reality, a time when I could cling to a real world. Believe what people said and did, and it felt weird to think that people were genuine, when I lived with someone who lied to my face 24/7, and I "acted as if" and wondered, snooped, analyzed, essentially played the detective. I know snooping and prying is bad, but, frankly, I didn't do it to throw it in H's face, get back at him or torture myself--mostly, when I found things out, I had peace...however bad the details, I had a grasp on a sliver of reality in my life. It's hard to lie next to someone each night and wonder what the real life is, their other world...essentially, it's kinda "crazy" to have to combine the concept of being close to a person (your spouse) to the fact that they lead a double life you have no idea about and is nothing like them. So, enough explaining that, but in the end, it made me react in crazy ways too, ways I didn't normally react in--no control of my own world. No matter what tactics you use, it's just plain hard.

2) H doesn't want to be tied to the A, but you both need to compromise, and here's where communication is important. Seems that you're at a stage ahead of many here, where the A is over, out, talked about, and M is building again. All this time, I keep putting my feelings of A "in my pocket" as do many of us here, b/c we're not at that healing stage you're at. Sooner or later, we will be and will be torn like you are. I understand. That being said, you DO need to keep the reactions in check....while it's understandable to feel the way you do, expressing them in a DIFFERENT WAY than you did in M is the best. Explain this to H....while he's ready to move on, he has to work with you in the healing. Explain that it won't go on forever, but ask him to remember how much pain you caused him and how it took a while to come out of that. EMPATHY and COMMUNICATION. You're really lucky to have an H that WANTS to work it out, is strong for you. Lean on him, but in a healthy way. Speak about what's on your mind, tell him what you're feeling (not what he did), without the extreme emotions. Work through it. You brought up a good point that my H feels too: safety in my company. Well....safety does NOT mean never bringing up my pain or his mistakes to work through them....it DOES mean working through it in a mutually respectful, empathetic way. Simply put: express yourself, just don't rage forever and do passive-aggressive, extreme things. Tone it down a few notches. That way, H still feels safe, and you still work through a very real situation. Explain to him this as well...you will do everything to make him feel safe, and he needs to do the same by facing what he did by facing your feelings, THAT is what it will take to make YOU feel safe, b/c he made you feel UNsafe with the A.

3) It seems that you might have skipped a portion of your story from the ending of the A to this weekend. How did H come around? Describe your days now....

4) THE BIGGEST PART. It comes down to you. This is 2 parts. First, I think this comes down, largely, to you feeling like you don't have control (read #1). I feel the same. You react in an extreme manner (rage or run away) to control or simply to DO something and not just stand there. Second, this is all about YOUR actions in the first place. Sometimes, in our threads, mine included, we focus too much on the A, fixing and analyzing the CURRENT situation, how can you help it? We lose track of what happened in the M BEFORE the A. It's not just about the dynamics of NOW, but the dynamics of BEFORE. That's what you're battling. You can't help H's reactions, now, his aloofness, etc. Just remember that how he sees you is built on how you were in the M. Go back to that. What were the issues, what did you do? What were the behaviors? Why? What are you doing now to change? You glossed over this in one of the first posts, very quickly referring to childhood, etc....but THIS IS THE KEY--you're doing a great disservice to yourself by NOT making this a priority now. Let your healing take the stage too, but always temper it with your changes and your part in the M. So, you see, the only way to really gain control of the situation is to go to the root, not what the situation in your house is now--and make those changes in you.We can't work on how to move from here, unless we know how it all started. In your next post, go back to this. What were the issues. Really dig deep, look at your assumptions when you reacted to things, things you see were issues and you wish were better. Think of your ideal M and think of how YOU would be different. What are things day-to-day, that you do differently, react differently, things you do to change your former dynamics. This is the only thing you can control, so throw yourself into it...get the control back. Get to a point where regardless of what happens in your M, the OW (who is out, but whatever), etc: you are still you, the best that you can be!!!! Let's focus on this in your next threads, in addition to venting and moving through the pain. What's helped me look away from the pain is to focus on my changes, which leads me to remember all the crappy things I did. Not that you are taking all the blame or beating yourself up, but simply shifting focus back to what you can control, and in the end what matters most, a better YOU. A better M will only follow. I remember something my H said when we got back together years ago to marry: I didn't want to get back into a R with you until I knew I could be the best person I could be adn offer the best of myself. Good philosophy. So, while we all want better M's, are we prepared to know what we want and what we can give?

5) Get centered. This is a horrible stage where you're being pulled at every emotion at every whim. Find a ritual, prayer, poem, something to remind you to center your emotions and get back to a strong you.

So, next post, tell us more about the changes you're working on in you. Things you do to GAL. Focus on the positive and controllable parts of this whole thing. It's not easy, and I myself am a basket case here and there, BUT, it helps to at least put some effort in this direction, and it REALLY pays off in the M.

Look at it this way....we're all human and make mistakes. HUGE ones at times. Our only hope is that our loved ones still love us...sure they'll be disappointed and hurt, but that they understand and still love us. It's what you hope for from H....it's what he hopes from you. It takes time, it's the toughest thing to give, but you'll get there.

[Walking]

Hi Believing

Some good insights there from Grasshopper. I’ve noticed that much of your self-talk is negative, you beat yourself up constantly, and often those of us who are so hard on ourselves are also unwittingly hard and have unreasonably high expectations of those around us. In the past few days you’ve said several times that ‘I suck’, ‘I cannot move past this’ etc – and saying those things to yourself makes them so.

You can change the way you talk to yourself by making a decision to. Rather than saying to yourself “I suck” say something like “this is a challenge for me and I’m learning how to deal with it better” – rather than saying “I cannot move past this” say “this is an experience I am learning from and it’s taking me longer than I expected, but God has a plan and I trust that I am in the place he wants me to be”. Rather than giving yourself evidence that you don’t have the skills to be in a loving committed relationship …

It's funny how the things people like about me in public (enthusiasm/passion/fun, etc) doesn't translate well into my M b/c some of it is a masquerading dance that doesn't work well in deeper-than-surface M

… tell yourself “I am passionate and enthusiastic about becoming the wife I want to be and my husband deserves, I’m excited about the next part of my journey where I will learn to experience a deeper level of commitment than I have so far known.”

It’s easy and it’s so powerful. I’ve gained significant insights into how I contribute to the things that go right and wrong in my life throughout my separation and divorce drama. One of the good authors on how to change the way you think is Louise Hay. Her book ‘You can Heal your life” is compelling reading. She has a simple philosophy that what we give out, we get back. She thinks that everyone is responsible for every experience in their lives and every thought we think is creating our future.

One of the things that I think you really need to do is to forgive yourself for what you perceived you did to contribute to this. Forgiving yourself is as important as forgiving your H and it’s easy to do. There’s lots of stuff on forgiveness in your marriage saving books.

I like your friends analogy about feeding the black dog. There is an American Indian saying that “where attention goes, energy flows” – take your attention away from what is wrong, and assert it on something that is right – your energy will flow there.

Take care

[believing_isaiah43]

Wow, guys, thank you so much for taking the time to post thoughtful and thorough replies to my posts. What great points, and I want to chew on them several times before I address them; especially your request for more stuff about my issues Always. Right now I'm going to cruise through the rest of the forum and then come back and read your insights another 4.859 times and try to swallow them and make them a part of my mindset.

Thank you guys SO much; I'll be posting again soon! News at eleven.