Once again, c'est moi, but I can only pop in again for a few minutes as I have to be up at 5am to work the rest of the week.
Had a particularly difficult weekend, I actually packed a bag and left the house intending to stay away a few days to clear my head. Went to a friend's house (her H had an A and they reconciled, so she's familiar with the torture of the process), and sat up talking til about 1am and then I said, "I have to go, I can't have my kids waking up w/out me there and wondering where mommy is" and went home and sat up talking with H until about 3am. We have an MC appt on Thurs, and may discuss with her turning it into IC appts. for each of us for a while and then back to MC later. We'll get her input on the weekend's events, discussions since, and her perspective about it. My.
Such a difficult freakin' process, ya'll. Made no less difficult by my swinging emotions. I was thinking about it, I grew up in a house where if you were mad or upset, you DID something about it: yelled, hit something (or someone), etc. So, I have apparently taken this with me; it's hard for me to suppress my emotional reactions, to -in the moment- back up and see the big picture and act accordingly.
We had a really honest and good discussion last night about things -not the A specifically, but our interactions, and H's increasingly changing mental status - he's been diagnosed with adult ADD and on meds for years, but it's gotten worse and after some research we're wondering if it's a really high-functioning Autism (tactile, noise issues, lots of stuff I won't go into here), and of course as it's 'progressed' it's interfered with our relationship and how we interact. Our talk was good, but as H said, the next time we have an argument or conflict, this level-headed person that is me now, will leave the building and the defensive, missile-lobbing, wants-to-run-away chick will re-emerge.
SO. Fun times, eh? Things are actually decent right now, considering the recent emotional carnage, and me not being a 'safe place' for H. So I keep sabotaging the R with my frequent trips to Crazy, population: 1. Back to square one-ish, and I hope to hold on to some semblance of sanity for a bit while I figure this out, and treat H better.
And for about 5 hours on Sat. night, H thought I was gone for good and trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life. Not my intent for him to feel that floor-out-from-under-you panic, but he did at least get a small idea what it was like for me in Dec when he was deadset to leave me. I told him that, but again that it was NOT my intention and I wouldn't EVER want ANYONE feeling remotely like I did those 2 months. ugh.
Then I read threads of people like GH/PL/A14/NM/MamaB and feel like a LOSER , b/c you guys can hold it together in the face of such inner turmoil at times, and I so far have not (except in the actual crisis of the A, ironically).
There's my latest Jones for drama in a nutshell. SO going to be working on getting off the crazy-making machine. That's step ONE in my 180 plan: Stop over-reacting wherever possible, and also to stop making NEGATIVE comments in general. (i.e. talking about what GOOD happened today instead of something bad that happened right off the bat in the conversation). Simple. Two things. Starting small so I don't overwhelm myself.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: Then I read threads of people like GH/PL/A14/NM/MamaB and feel like a LOSER , b/c you guys can hold it together in the face of such inner turmoil at times, and I so far have not (except in the actual crisis of the A, ironically).
To be short, that's BS. You are NOT a loser. Simply because you put so much honest effort into your self-analysis and you ARE doing SOMETHING to make progress. I think you are a lot better than you think.
You are a sweetpea, GH. Thanks for posting. Worked 12hrs today and go back for half day tomorrow. so. tired. Need some new feet.
Anyway, I was re-reading some of the posts from earlier in my thread and 2 things popped out that I paused to come post about. A_14 advised me to 'get centered' - which is absolutely necessary. How that happens or what it looks like is not clear yet, but I was once again reminded how important that is to sanity and a stable R.
And Walkingback addressed my negative self-talk, which our MC also has addressed in both H & I, and gave us homework to try to catch our 'tapes' of that when they play in our heads and re-word them. I honestly didn't think I would be able to 'catch' it b/c it's so ingrained in the way I think that I figured it wasn't even an audible voice anymore. But I have noticed it at times, and have been amazed at the stuff I'll say to myself w/out even thinking about it. 'I'm so retarded', 'I'm an idiot', etc. yuck. When I have caught myself (only about 0.001% of the time that I'm doing it, I'm sure) I've been able to say, 'no I am NOT an idiot, I'm just tired and distracted' or whatever. So just the fact that I've made that effort to do an excercise I've been aware of for years but never acted on has pleased me somewhat.
In other news, last week MC told H to commit to coming to bed with me just ONCE a week (he still has kept the habit of staying awake at night as his decompression time), and we go back to MC tomorrow with that UNachieved in the last 9 days. sigh.
To clarify, this is not a come-to-bed-to-ML assignment, just a come to bed before-I'm-already-asleep-so-we-can-hang-out-and-talk assignment. Granted, there was my Exit Stage Left on Saturday, but we talked about it and he made the plan to come to bed twice, and postponed twice, and hey! -would you look at that? Assignment not met. Something to discuss tomorrow, so I'm kind of glad for that part of it.
Will let you know what comes of the MC appt tomorrow. Thanks for hanging in with me, those who still read here!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Believing, for what it's worth, I still believe in you.
You CAN save your marriage. You are exhausted from your busy schedule. Thank you for giving so much of yourself to other people, that alone proves what a wonderful woman you are.
When you get a break from work, try to read. GH has started a wonderful thread (don't know the name off hand),where everyone recommends books that have helped them.
Quote: In other news, last week MC told H to commit to coming to bed with me just ONCE a week (he still has kept the habit of staying awake at night as his decompression time), and we go back to MC tomorrow with that UNachieved in the last 9 days. sigh.
I think I read in "getting the love you want" that this is called an exit. That book (required reading in Imago therapy, which my C practices) suggests that couples work to close all such exits. The exit is a way one spouse builds something into the R that allows them to escape from it without seeming to do anything out of the ordinary. An affair can be an exit, but like your H, my W uses that "late night time" as her way to decompress, as she says, and have her "me" time. I suspect that it has a lot more to do with NOT having "GH" time as it does her being alone. She's alone all day long...alegegly...lol.
I think your C is on to something, but I don't know if the "so-we-can-talk-and-hand-out" part helps. To me, this is just more pressure. I have found that since I STOPPED trying to start talks in bed and really just allowed it to be "close" time between us, she is a lot more likely to come to bed with me than stay up. I used to start deep conversations ALL the time when she came to bed. It got to the point where I think unless we were to ML, she didn't come to bed with me for well over 2 years. Damn...wish I woulda seen that back then. Oh well, live and learn.
Hi Believing....wow, what a crazy work schedule you have here.
OK....a few things....you need to push the STOP button on the crazy machine. I can be harsh here b/c I have one too, and it's NOT OK to live in that. I too learned it from home, where we were overly-"expressive" in our emotions...as Betsey once stated, almost abusive, then we all went back to normal, kissy-kissy. NOT.
Make undoing this your first priority. When I did this, it worked for me. Within months, H said that he actually felt SAFE talking to me....you know what a compliment that was? He has a really traumatic reaction to angry folks, and I didn't help at all. Of course, after finding out the A, I slid back a LOT that night and raged, but then got over it (pretty quick for a person who was just told that their H slept with someone and was still hiding things). Just remember, you can go to all the MC you want, but until you make H feel safe, you will get nowhere. You can expect no progress from him, because technically you're not trying either...to at the very least make him feel safe in his own home and M. He feels like he's walking a minefield...and to top it off he made a huge mistake....so if you flip about smaller things, how is he to expect that you aren't going to constantly lose it over his A.
At some point you really need to work on putting this behind you. The A happened....so did a LOT of things you did in the M (and we need to get BACK to this, again and again....your anger is one of these things). You both made mistakes....you have an H that wants to work it out. This will only work if you can forgive this, and try to forget it. By that I don't mean trying to induce amnesia, but rather in a way a friend told me to consider it..."make sure that you have forgiven and forgotten to a point that you KNOW that 20 years from now, when you have the WORST fight of your life, you WILL NOT bring this up." Well said, and a good goal. I suspect, like me, you have a nasty habit of throwing things in H's face. Second goal for you, stop that. He has a brain and a memory, he is guilty, he doesn't need you to remind him of his transgressions.
Another small goal....what are his LL's? If you're particularly negative, stick with your goal of saying positive things....most of all, why not also start complimenting him on small things...thanking him. This really worked for me. It meant a lot to H, who initially thought it was fake (so would I). Then it becmoes habit. You said that H lost his job over this....likely he's feeling crappy right now, so give a little boost. Why, b/c at one point he was a swell guy, and you can be that now.
I also think that your anger comes from feeling hugely betrayed...and you were. A few words about that. First, a good passage that I read in reading yesterday said that you can overcome huge pain simply by stopping feeding it. Stop focusing on it...little by little, and it will get less. The more you feed it, the more intense it gets. The bigger of an issue it is. Easier said than done. Get your anger out, process it, but you're getting stuck at anger and feeling betrayed. You now need to move to understanding it, accepting it, and letting go. Write more about your understanding of H and why he did this...what it came from, what were the issues in your M. This brings me to the second point on anger....you are feeling intense anger because you feel so uniformly wronger...just YOU in pain....when you start to fall into this spiral, start to temper it with thoughts of things YOU did in the M that hurt H. This is the only way I find any compassion through this mess. Think of times H was patient with you, waiting for a real M (you said this once). This helps you to see it took 2 to bring this down, 2 people with their share of mistakse and need for forgiveness. Has H even approached HIS anger about the M? Thats where my H is now. It's there. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but it wasn't all H's either. I know you never imagined this happening to you, but you BOTH imagined a better M that you had.
About the bed thing. Make it light....not about talking, not about expecting. The part of the day I loved most with H when we were "happily" married was going to bed. We just cuddled and laughed and laughed. Joked and laughed. Then went to bed. It was nice. Try this. H won't feel that he has to have sex, nor will be feel pressured to talk only to have you start a fight.
ABout centering yourself. First is the positive self-talk. Praise yourself for dealing with such a hard time so well. For still being married and for having self-awareness and desire to change. For going back to work and supporting your family and being a great mom AND W. You are wonderful. Believe that and act on it. Next, envision yourself as a woman with lots of grace and compassion, act it. Just think of all the things you want to be as a woman and start being those things. It's actually kinda easy. Next, the best thing I learned about centering was ENJOY THE MOMENT. Always. At work, at home, with friends, driving, doing chores, with H. Stop worrying, think less about the future uncertainty and past pain, and just enjoy the moment. Share a laugh, a touch a good talk and be thankful for that moment and live it, fully.
I know I might have sounded harsh here, and it probably is...but I care for you and want to see you move past your issues and traits to a better M and partner. I also understand, all too well, your issues, b/c I AM THE SAME. But you can do this.
Now, tell us what YOUR homework from counseling was.... What are your goals for yourself? How are you monitoring that? When you come back here, tell us of the times that you did things RIGHT. Small things you did to change...compliments, a time when you would have picked a fight but let it go... Now, I'll ask again...dig deep and what were the issues in your M that were YOU. Really think about this, your behaviors, outlook, etc.
Less time thinking of the A, and more time about YOU. The A is over, but your M is still alive and the only way it will thrive is if you change things in YOU (and H changes things in HIM) that made the mess in the first place.
Quote: Just remember, you can go to all the MC you want, but until you make H feel safe, you will get nowhere. You can expect no progress from him, because technically you're not trying either...to at the very least make him feel safe in his own home and M. He feels like he's walking a minefield...and to top it off he made a huge mistake....so if you flip about smaller things, how is he to expect that you aren't going to constantly lose it over his A.
Have you been in my kitchen and bathrooms, where H and I have these fights/discussions? H has stated constanly lately that I am not a safe place, that 'anything i do doesn't matter', that he starts each day back at zero having to prove himself to me, that he doesn't feel like a valid human in his own home. And I am confounded, b/c there is some validity to what he says, but I feel so ill-equipped to change how I react or act. I wish I had a personal coach in a secret earphone telling me what to say when, you know?
It's not the A specifically so much anymore, as much as what I feel I'm not 'getting' or what he's not 'giving'. But he made the -sadly accurate- point that I'm not changing/making the effort because I'm WAITING to see if it's safe for ME to go the the deep end. And until I'm reassured, I won't step in and get in the deep part. Since November, H is not exactly in the deep end, but he is definitely wading chest-high compared to where he was pre-A and during A. I again, feel emotionally retarded and unsure how to effect a change in myself.
The MC gave us an assignment to do 5 surprises for each other, and I am frankly BLANK as to what to do for H. How sad is that? I'm married to the man, should KNOW him and his needs, and cannot figure out what he would want and appeciate as a relational surprise. Not supposed to be gifts or anything that you purchase, really. Any suggestions, ideas would be SO appreciated.
We don't see her again until the 10th since she's out of town this week. So I have more time than usual to figure something out. I am usually really creative, but I'm worn down in this R and need to pep myself up to engage in it. Again, I'm so handicapped at engaging in an R, I feel so debilitated.
As an aside, I re-read what I wrote about feeling 'debilitated', 'ill-equipped' etc, and want to clarify that I'm not beating myself up with negative self-talk (or at least that is not what I see here) but that I really do not have the relational skills (never saw it modelled, etc. with crazy old Hollywood as my guide for 'normal', since my abusive home was most definitely not the norm). Just wanted to point that out in case someone was going to jump on my wording here (and you still may, that's fine).
Anyway, I (OF COURSE, what a shock!) must go back to nap as I'm scheduled to work tonight. Shifting between days and night shifts is really no good. I'm pooping out physically and mentally. H has taken the kids to the pool and I am feeling left out of the fun (b/c that's another one of my HUGE issues from childhood to this day: being/feeling left out)
Thanks again for hanging out with me, ya'll. I appreciate you.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: But he made the -sadly accurate- point that I'm not changing/making the effort because I'm WAITING to see if it's safe for ME to go the the deep end. And until I'm reassured, I won't step in and get in the deep part.
I wise woman once told me that until I was ready (and I, like you obviously am not yet) to take the kind of emotional risks it would take to FULLY open myself up to this new R with my W, it would probably not happen. Until I was ready to lead by example, SHE would not be willing to take the even bigger (yes BIGGER) risk it would take to come back to the marriage 100%.
The point was that yes, we have been through hell, but the key here is that our worst hell is in the past, or for the most part anyway. THEIR hell is ongoing (relatively speaking). They went through hell to get to the "affair point" and then hell during the affair (yes, it WAS/IS hell no matter what they said) and then when they look forward to their future with us, they envision more hell ahead.
In their eyes, we are bitter, angry, hurt, untrusting, spiteful, and bent on revenge...maybe. We are just as likely to take them back and then cheat on THEM for a myriad of reasons than not. We are likely to take them back and then become a WAS ourselves in a week, month or year. In their mind, we will NEVER truly forgive them. How could we when they can't ever forgive themselves. In their mind, we'll never really believe the affair is over...because in their mind THEY aren't sure it is either...guilt, guilt and more guilt, mixed in with a little regret and a HUGE amount of uncertainty.
BI, at some point we have to accept that we are probably going to have to jump in the deep end with all the lights off and the very real potential that we are jumping into a pit of oil filled with mutant sharks. We have to understand that for the most part, we are living on the side of the equation with all the resources for understanding what we are going through. We are in no way superior to our WAS's other than in the fact that our lack of ignorance of these issues puts a greater burden on us to act in ways they are probably not even aware of as options.
Our burden is to act out of unconditional love, knowing full well that we could be hurt again, but so too knowing that if we are, it will be OUR decision to be so again, NOT theirs. IF we choose to love, trust and live with them again, we do it knowing they are deeply flawed, as we are, and that those flaws COULD lead to more trouble down the road. We are tasked with forgiving the unforgivable so completely that they see the path to that forgiveness for themselves. To forgive them their transgression is to forgive ourselves for whatever role we played in the situation that lead to it.
We take NO responsibility for their acts beyond contributing to a mindset and we take FULL responsibility for our own life, decisions and love.
BI, it IS up to you to jump in to the deep end but realize that now, more than ever, you can swil better, kill mutant sharks with a quick flip of your wrist, and if need be, call on an army of "little ear-pieces" (us) to help you at least figure out where you may have gone wrong, if not stop you from going there in the first place.
Stay strong, learn to take risks that you KNOW you can handle, and even a few you may not, and live life the best you can.
Quote: In their eyes, we are bitter, angry, hurt, untrusting, spiteful, and bent on revenge...maybe......In their mind, we will NEVER truly forgive them. How could we when they can't ever forgive themselves. In their mind, we'll never really believe the affair is over...because in their mind THEY aren't sure it is either...guilt, guilt and more guilt, mixed in with a little regret and a HUGE amount of uncertainty.
GH, thanks for that. Sometimes I think it's all about me and forget what H might be feeling. This really clarifys it. Now to jump in the deep end, off the high dive, and take emotional risks. We want our spouses to feel safe and loved by us and not regret their decision to remain in the M.
assignment, just a come to bed before-I'm-already-asleep-so-we-can-hang-out-and-talk assignment. Granted, there was my Exit Stage Left on Saturday, but we talked about it and he made the plan to come to bed twice, and postponed twice, and hey! -would you look at that? Assignment not met. Something to discuss tomorrow, so I'm kind of glad for that part of it.