Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[believing_isaiah43]

I love ya'll madly. thanks for hanging in. I wish I knew what the deep end looks like, or even how to find it. I was thinking yesterday that I have even longer to go than I initially thought. H & I were having a discussion about renovating the basement, and I got defensive about his suggestions and was trying not to be, and to put my feelings into words and it was such a struggle! I had this knot in my chest and couldn't define what the feeling was, or how to explain it. ugh. I realized that if I'm not mad as hell, hurt, or really excited about something, I have no idea what I'm feeling. Can I go back to 'Go' and collect $200, b/c I really want a Mulligan on this life. But I did struggle to half-a$$ explain myself and later emailed H to thank him "for taking the time to listen to me stumble thru my thoughts when you had a lot to get done."
And he replied "Thanks for sharing your feelings. I need that..."

So I'm trying, but oh to be back in May and not ride this ship to the bottom of the ocean like we did. Still no physical affection, doesn't even hug me when he comes to bed anymore. I think he's got to ramp himself back up to look positively upon me again. Ick. Working on the GAL thing, but it's a fine line for us b/c we lived very separate lives pre-bomb so that's not really a 180 in our M. I need to lovingly detach more than just GAL, and yet be available. It's like dancing on the head of a pin.

Anyway, been a while since you had some lyrics from me, so here's a Nickel Creek song I've discovered recently on the iPod shuffle:

I wish you out of the woods
And into the picture with me.
I wish you over the moon,
Come out of the question and be.

If this going to
Run round in my head,
I might as well be dreaming.
Run round in my head

I rollercoaster for you.
Time out of mind
Must be heavenly.
It's all enchanted and wild,
It's just like my heart said
It was going to be.

[believing_isaiah43]

oh, how soon they forget me....

Actually, this is the first day in several where the BB would let me post a reply (?!) - I've been reading but not able to post to you guys til just now. I am impressed with all the help/insight you are giving crazedmom and emily21. Go you!

Of course I leave for work in 45 minutes and run away again. ugh. still ups and downs here at Chez BI_43, but better in the last 36 hours than before, so I really look forward to posting that soon. Will try to jot stuff down at work tonight; of course every time I say that, work is crazy with admissions and busy patients all night. Just chicken in (bawk! bawk!) to say hi, don't forget me!

[always_14]

Hey there. Hang in there. Remember, focus on YOU....what are things you are working on that you wished you did differently in the M?

Good that you're working toward a more authentic communication. I really think you nicely, honestly explaining your mood helped H to understand where you're coming from without feeling attacked.

Good job.

remember, count the baby steps in YOUR progress...look inward, keep going.

[believing_isaiah43]

Well, sure enough I got to work last night and ran like a horse all night with 2 admissions and busy patients. More fun tonight too. Ugh.

I will post something GH wrote to Emily21, that has been a struggle for me as well. Very insightful I thought:

Right now, you feel safe in being angry and sad. If you decided today to be happy, all of a sudden you're in uncharted waters and you'd have to accept the unknown. You KNOW how to be angry and upset, that is natural to you now. Learn how to accept that the unknown is NOT something to be feared or avoided.

That is SO true for my life; being hurt, defensive, and looking out for MYSELF first above others (in an UNhealthy/protective way, not a GAL way) is my Default mode. Doing anything else is UNnatural and quite unsettling.

We're moving slowly, though. Thought we were moving backwards there for quite some time, and I - in my innate, frustrating way - got (surprise!) impatient and cranky and stuffed it (I thought) until MC on Monday where I suddenly started crying uncontrollably b/c I was so lonely and scared this wasn't going to work. Not big fat squalling sobs, just that quiet desperate misery where your eyes cannot stop leaking, your voice is small and pitiful, and you feel so helpless/hopeless. MC actually said it was good that my emotions do come out, and was concerned that H doesn't let his out much.

We also discussed in MC how H doesn't feel 'safe' with me, secondary to how he was raised - crappy conditional-love parents always waiting for him to fail, they never talk about what a great kid/man is was/is, always bring up something bad about him/his actions - it's a VERY hot button for him. C asked him what it would take to make him feel safe, and he really doesn't know, which is somewhat no-win for me, obviously. He kept saying that he needs me to stop 'nagging' (UGH!) him about coming to bed at the same time, and to give him credit for what he DOES do, and stop throwing the OW/A in his face when I am upset about something unrelated (although at times, all roads lead to OW when I'm upset. Working on that).

That's about all the direction I got, so these issues are obviously important to him, but the not-coming-to-bed thing just SUCKS, and more so b/c it was ongoing PRIOR to the A.

So we have more discussion/fighting/whathaveyou later that evening after MC, maybe-you'll-be-happier-without-me-and-we-can-find-what-we-need-to-be-happy-outside-of-the-M-blah-blah, H getting frustrated with that crap, and I get in the car and go to my 'thinking place' for about 20 minutes to clear my head.

I can't even remember how we ended the evening, but it wasn't the happiest place in world. Then H comes to bed around 2am and initiates some serious, kick-a$$ - it was flatout fabulous, and I was, frankly, humbled by how he could just put whatever resentment/weirdness aside to just be with me and meet a need of mine (and hopefully his, but as you guys know I'm the one who wants it more and feels an EC with him after IC - I am a stereotypical guy here, for some reason). SO here's this amazing session in the wee hours after a really difficult day between us.

The next day we teased each other a little about it, and I honestly told him how I was humbled by his effort to make things work in spite of such yuck between us, and that I have been difficult and obtuse, and asked him to forgive me for that. I told him "I'm in" (re: working on making a M that makes us both happy) and he said "Count me in, too". I really would jump off a cliff for him, to make things work between us, when I feel "fed" physically and connected to him that way. My whole attitude/countenance is completely shifted when this happens. Odd? Am I a man trapped in a chick's body? (ha)

H has started his own business since losing his job post-A, and we've been working together on the website, and discussing the clients he has/and ones who are in the wings, etc. This is something that's been nice to discuss between us, as well as finishing the basement for his office, etc.

While I thought this was a good thing (and still do to a great degree) MC encouraged us to spend 30min together a night to discuss NON-task topics (i.e. NOT kids or work), but things where our 'hearts can connect'. She pointed out that we are wanting the same things from each other but our hearts are not finding each other in our communication, if that makes sense.

Okay, YAY! I've posted something other than 'I'll be back' FINALLY.

Oh, and GH posted some Linkin Park lyrics this week, and I listened to that group MUCH during the A so I thought I'd share the lyrics to "Easier to Run" which was both H and myself at different (thankfully) times during/after the A:

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb;
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see;
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would, take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have;
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a path

Just watching in the sun
All of my helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced;
It’s so much simpler than change

[believing_isaiah43]

My gosh, ya'll. I came to ask for help with a situation that has made me VERY uncomfortable for the last few hours. Normally, I would get all freaked out, not process it long enough, and attack H with it in an accusatory way well before I had time to even ask for someone else's opinion. But because of the amazing people on this board, I knew almost immediately that I had to ask YOU for help first before I made any potentially stupid moves.

Now, I've just read about GH's sitch and just want to go pout and cry in a corner I am so upset for him. This compounded my bad mood - I am amazed I didn't say anything when H came to say goodnight, and bust my own sitch wide open.

Anyway, let me take a breath and calm down to tell ya'll what the heck I'm talking about. And before I even start, no, this has nothing to do with the OW. Not directly, anyway.

Since we've been working on the M, H has given me access to his email accounts. I have his passwords and his computer remains unlocked (where, during the A, he had started locking it up w/ a password so I couldn't get on) all the time. Anytime he changes passwords, he tells me. He has no idea if I'm doing anything with that knowledge or not, but wants to correct his mistakes by giving me access and no reason to worry. His words.

With ya'll knowing that, I'm not sure if it's considered snooping or not if I check is emails. And I do occasionally, but not religiously like I used to when I was hacking during the A, or right after it ended when I just couldn't stop reading his emails, even benign ones to nobody about nothing.

I consider them "random drug screens" just to see where his head is at. OW doesn't even have this new email address, so it's not like I'm looking for her there.

Usually there's nothing even remotely of interest, but sometimes there's an email to a close friend or two about our marriage and I get an idea of where his head is at and how he sees us, outside of what he says only to me. Most of it has been mildly reassuring.

A week or so ago, H sent out a link to some 1980's music videos to a group of people (myself included) and a lot of high school friends of his. Several of the friends replied to the whole list, and so I could see the debate publicly of various 1980's bands, who liked who, good-natured ribbing about it.

Stick with me, I am making a point I swear.

SO: I get on this evening after work to see what's going on briefly. And in his Trash folder there's an email from a chick that H knew in high school. I met her about 9 years ago, and have been in touch with her myself occasionally over the years, most recently having made a huge scrapbook for H's 40th birthday last month of memories from people he's known all his life, and been in touch with all of these high school people for months compiling photos and memories of them for the scrapbook. She, of course contributed.

She had been married when I first met her, and has now been divorced for several years. So what I found is an email from her that contains a long thread of emails between them. She was replying to the banter from the other HS friends, and HAD replied to the whole group previously, but this time she replied, it was to H directly instead of the whole group and they went back & forth about 5-6 emails between them. Last one from her today. Don't know what he sent back, if he did. The gist of it was reminiscing about who each of them dated in high school; why did you like him? why did you like her? where did our group go that New Years? what was that girl's name? etc. How's your XH, asks H. He's in C, she replies, and tells that he never even told the C they were divorced, blah blah. And H replies that she's better off w/o her XH (which is true, he was a nightmare).

But, STILL. Is anybody with me here on the whole discomfort thing, or is it just ME b/c my H has previously had an A and I'm extremely sensitive to one-on-one conversations he has with any female?

DBing (no R talk) is not really the issue here, b/c we're both supposedly commited to working it out, so this is fair game as a concern. Or is it?

Do I say, hey H I was reading your email the other night.... ?

Is it snooping if he gave me access?

Should I wait and bring it up in MC this week?

If I do, is that an ambush?

How would you approach this subject? I don't want to make him defensive, or convict him about it, and it would have been just fine had it been a 'public' email for the whole group to see.

I KNOW I am not keeping quiet about it b/c my inner red flags are going off like crazy, just for the whole discomfort thing. I have learned from my H's A - he doesn't see these things coming, this slippery slope with a 'friend', he's just suddenly in Inappropriateville and didn't realize he's bought a ticket. I want to avoid him getting on any train here, but don't want to be the Fidelity Nazi, you know?

Some help? I would sure appreciate some insight here, I'm a little foggy on my perspective.

[StevieRay13]

OK, so what are the possible outcomes if you talk to him about this?

1) He complains that you are making more out of it that what there is. Says she is just an old friend and tell you not to worry. Also, H know how you found out and will make sure next time to empty out old emails.

2) He gets pissed that you are snooping, even though he gave you access to his account. Says he made a mistake and puts password back on PC.

3) He understand what you are saying and is sympathetic and says he won't contact her again. Not likely that he would do this, but I had to list it as an option. Anyway, he starts to resent that you want to control him and starts doing it behind your back.

I guess what I'm saying is that you can see where this might and might not go, but it is you seeing this not him. Do you really think that you can hold his hand when ever he starts talking to people of the other sex? Do you really want to live that way?

He is a big boy and yes he does need to earn your trust back. Here is a good test to see if he is capable of dong that. I know how you feel and can relate to what you are saying. The thing is you can't live his life for him. You have to release all control you have over the sitch and let it go for better or worse.I can see no good coming out of you confronting him on this other that letting your opinion be know. If he ignores what you say and has to find out for himself then you are setting yourself to be hurt.

Look at it from experience. How many time have you told a friend that they shouldn't go out with a certain girl/guy? Does your friend ever listen to you? If so, do they immediately stop seeing this person? I highly doubt it. Does this get the point I'm trying to make across to you? People have to live their lives for better or worse and no matter how much you want to say them agony or pain they are going to do what thy want.

[believing_isaiah43]

Thanks StevieRay for replying. It's been over 24 hours since I discovered this email, and that's like a CENTURY in Drama-Queen Standard Time for NOT bringing up something that freaks me out. And as simplistic and cliched as this sounds, it really DID help to sit on it for this time.

I honestly don't think I have ever EVER sat on a concern of any sort this long in my entire marriage, but always ran out of the gate pell-mell, tethered to my wild emotions like a rodeo bullrider. This is a 180 for me right now, whether or not H realizes it. I can't believe how much more perspective I have and am so much calmer. I realize I must sound like a Kindergartener just recognizing their first word on paper, to some of you but I am dumbfounded that it really did work to sit on an issue and let it deflate some of the panic in it. You just have no idea.

Anyway, I still debate whether to bring it up, but it's not half as urgent as it seemed last night. Will still do my "random drug screens" on the email, and make decisions as we go (after this new and exciting cooling-down period I've just discovered!! perhaps you've heard of it?)

This, I hope, was both a test and a turning point for me to learn that emotions don't have to rule my life, and I'm not a doormat if I am quiet on a concern while I mull it over. And that while I am thinking about a potential problem/hurtful thing, I can still treat my H well and be nice, not the P/A bee-itch that I have been in the past.

Still would appreciate any opinions of this email situation, and your opinion on what you would do if you were me. Is there more than one person reading my thread? Pretty please?

[jacqm]

Isaiah, I've just spent the past couple hours reading your thread...the others are right; you are a gifted writer!!

Just a quick background so you know where I'm coming from:
H and I've been married 14 yrs; last dec. i got an out-of-the-blue "i want a divorce". He's mostly living with the OW now, and i'm [im]patiently waiting, trusting God til it fizzles out. Then i hope i'm in the same position you are in now. (my threads are all in 'separated')

my gut feeling about the email:
in a sense, you are both trying to prove yourselves to each other; your H for being faithful and committed to your marriage; you, for learning to control your feelings and reactions to your fears.

Since your H gave you access to the computer as a way of gaining your trust and proving his trust-worthiness, i think it would be appropriate to let him know about it, and what your feelings were.

I would tell him
1-that you appreciate his openness, and that you respect that about him.

2-that you don't feel compelled to check 90% of the time, but whenever the fears/doubts get hard to handle, instead of bringing them to his attention and/or causing an argument, you check and are reassured by the lack of anything to worry about.

3-because of this new confidence in him, you want to mention that you DID see the email(s) from the old g/f and are NOT worried that anything inappropriate is happening, but that since you both know how these things sneak up on a person, you just wanted to mention it might not be a good idea to continue

4-BUT that you trust him to do the right thing.

I say this because it might accomplish the following things:
show your H that you are taking time to reflect before reacting; that you are gaining trust in him and believe the best instead of the worst FIRST, that you can be vulnerable and share your feelings in a non-threatening way, and lastly, that you trust him to behave in a proper manner about it without checking up on him.

Just my opinion, but its because of the need for trust, openness, and safe communication between you and this might be a way of showing growth in that respect.

but again, its just my opinion and you know better what might/might not come of it.

my prayers are with you!
jacqm

[believing_isaiah43]

jacqm!

THANK YOU for posting, and really for taking the time to read up on my sitch, I will try to return the favor over the next few days and visit yours, and may move to Piecing soon (was considering it recently, but I just really like my peeps over here). I can't tell you how nice it was to read your post and thoughts. I am thinking you are on to something, and I really want to bring it up but the 'urgency' is not there nearly like it was (thank God). I just did a spot check again tonight and see nothing between them (although his Trash & Sent folders have been emptied so I can't be 100% sure).

I plan to sit on it until I can't, or unless a door opens to it during our MC session on Thursday a.m. - I will keep you posted. Again, my thanks to you for wading into my situation and caring enough to think about a response. A big HUG to you, I am feeling less alone today b/c of you.

[always_14]

OH MY GOODNESS!!! You are amazing. I wish I could give you a gold star for patience award. That's incredible. For that alone, you should feel quite proud and like such a grown woman.

I think you'll find that things are not as bad as you think. I also think that we tend to expect that our H's will instantly be our best friends again, etc. and sometimes they need another vent.

Keep calm.