Always! Thank you my friend, for stopping by. I am reading up on you and am also sending you a cyber-gold star on your report card as well!
JACQM: I am slowly reading your thread in Separated, my free time is so dang limited, but I want so much to be as thoughtful to you as you were to me. You and Always14 are my new cyber-best-buds.
I took your advice to a "T" -as H came upstairs last night and asked me what was on my mind (related to something else I will post about in several days, when I have more information. How's that for a tease? ha). I said "Two things" and mentioned the email first. I followed your script as best I could remember it, with lots of validation, trust re-iterated, and that I felt uncomfortable b/c of the potential for sharing TMI with this chick, but trusted him to do the right thing. He immediately said he wouldn't email her again privately and would only include her in group emails, which was fine. I told him that I trusted him, but even before the A I had never felt entirely comfortable about her in the 9 years since I've met her. Never bothered me much b/c I completely trusted H before when she was confiding marital issues etc (plus he was telling me about it), but in light of our recent history, it was Red Flag Central here.
He did ask if he had done anything to motivate me to check his email that day, and I said no just had a funny feeling to check. Which is pretty much the truth that prompts my 'random drug screens' but I didn't tell him about those as to not make him upset, defensive, etc. as that was not my intent. It was a good conversation, and we'll see what more comes of it in MC today - if it comes up. I'll let you know.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Believing--that's so wonderful! I'm praying for you!! jacqm And Always--what wonderful posts you write--I've read what you posted for AmyC-still thinking about what to respond.
Okee-dokee, the email checking did come up in MC and I mentioned my "random drug screens" in context and H actually laughed about it. A good sign. We talked about several things in MC that I had not mentioned here previously:
(1) H had a CT scan of his head, as his neurologist was concerned about something behind his left eye. He's been having some tactile, overstimulation issues for a while (I may have mentioned this) and was incorrectly diagnosed as ADD. We don't know what it is but have since found out his head CT is clear. Dr has him on anti-seizure medicine for all the synapses firing in his head. He is not manifesting physical seizure symptoms, but the overwhelmed/overstimulated feelings may be treated with this med. We'll know more in a few weeks.
(2) I had suddenly had a bunch of not-good symptoms in the female area, and never have infections 'down there' - therefore was very concerned that H had brought me an unexpected 'gift' from OW. Made a Dr appt for yesterday, and H was feeling like complete sh!t about it. Happily (odd word) it is NOT an STD, just a regular old infection that I have never had before but happens all the time out in the world. So I'm duly medicated and should be fine in a few days. No big deal. But it made us both pause and be concerned about it, and it only re-fueled my hate for the OW, which had been on the back burner for a while now. Re-heated hate & loathing is no fun, especially when it is now disproven as valid. ugh. Still want to hate her some more. Also frustrating b/c I was just feeling really decent about my physical appearance, fitness, desirability as a person, etc. and this was a nice blow to the solar plexus. Temporary, but a blow nonetheless.
On the good side of these health issues (which, hello, we don't have health insurance for, groan), if there is a good side... H was feeling horrible when I brought up the potential for an STD (after I brought up the email issue, same night), but I completely (and sincerely) told him I was not mad at him, thought no less of him, just wanted this cured and gone, whatever it was. And it's true.
So, between CT scans, doctor visits, email checks, and MC session, we have drama for the week covered. Hoping for a pleasant and uneventful weekend & week ahead.
Was going to post some lyrics, but forgot which ones I had in mind. Will post them when I think of it!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Some lyrics for a Sunday night. Jennifer Knapp, Lay It Down:
Seeing as I found a rock in my pocket Seeing as I found a glitch in my soul Make-believe won't hide the truth When judgment falls and it falls on you Bend a knee my friend, bend a knee
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault Say I believe, I believe Lay it down This the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah
Pride can break a man right down from iron Twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul Handprint of God on the small of my back My second chance, my second chance I'll bend a knee my friend, I'll bend a knee
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault Say I believe, I believe Lay it down This the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah
My heart, my heart redeemed If it pleases You Love If it pleases You Love If it pleases You Love
Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault Say I believe, I believe Lay it down This the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I don't care how far you are along the road away from the A, pain can suddenly fall on you from a great height. I'm driving home from work yesterday, and -BAM!- there's the physical pain in my chest (that tightness) from During The A. Like my body has a memory and re-lives how it felt during that time, with no warning.
Made me want to stop the car, give into the feeling and just cry. Didn't, but almost.
Weird. Unsettling. Etc.
I get frustrated when that happens, and suddenly dissatisfied with the way my life is playing out with H, compared to the A and how he was in it. Yes, yes, I know all the logic, but fcuk. It hurts. I want what he gave to her. I always have, and there it was, pouring out for someone else.
H & I were emailing last night late while he was in his office working, and I initiated it, and he gave me nice but short replies, and I kept thinking how much I crave his attention and checking my inbox for a few sentences, when he gave her fcuking NOVELS in his correspondence to her. YES, I AM ILLOGICAL TODAY. I have the man at home in my house, in my marriage, etc. and part of me just wishes I was having an A with him instead. I am certifiable.
If you're crazy and you know it, clap your hands ::clap, clap::
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Believing, I know what you mean about wanting what he gave her...i cling to the verse of "I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten" (Joel 2:25) that AmyC had posted. Hang in there...God is faithful.
As for me, i am becoming convinced that H is in mid-life crisis...something that fills my heart with dread. Yet, I have His assurance that we will be together again. I just hope its before i'm 80-some years old! take care-- jacqm
BI, I know those feelings well. I too want what she gave to him, or maybe a better way of looking at it is I want what he brought out in her. It takes a pretty self-aware person, which I think we all are here, to understand that how you are is a choice, not a simple reaction to your environment. Our WAS believe the "love" they share(d) with OP is what made them who they were in the affair. To a certain extent, they are right, but in reality, there is more to it, and it's that "more" that we're after.
Why did my W feel so much more able to be physical with OM? Why did she open up to him? Why can't she do that with me?
I ask myself those questions all the time and I have also asked her. Neither of us has answered the questions yet.
BI, I think the fact is that something, the personality of the OP, or the fact that our WAS were running and this person just happened to start running along side them, becoming an instant "best friend" may have played a role. The euphoria of "love" probably added to that feeling that they could be "open" with the OP in a way they don't REMEMBER being able to be with us.
I think there are a thousand things that factor into this but I think it's dangerous for us to fall into the trap of expecting them to just be this way with us. There is a LOT of history of feeling unsafe and really, just plain not wanting to be that way with us, that they have to overcome, in addition to any negative feelings we are projecting into the sitch (i.e. our anger/frustration/pain).
You are perfectly normal to feel that crush, just realize that what you want is NOT what they had. You want what YOU had with MAJOR renovations so that your old house (M) is totally transformed but still a place where you have history and family. It's a different desire than wanting a totally new house.
ok, it's scary how your feelings mirror mine to a T!! have you been picking my brain?? never replied to you before, I saw your post on "piecing". You have been through a lot! my hat off to you for being a SAHM and then started working full force, you are amazing.
Going back to the feelings of the A, again, I'm speachless because what you post is exactly how I feel, I keep finding stuff, as of Tuesday found yet again another note of my H's when he was with OP and yes, there was that tightness in my chest and my hands were shaking and felt that sickness in me.
I also didnt' mean to snoop, I was looking for something else and BAM! Right now, next to me, there is a list about how H is not with OP anymore and how they separated, and how it is OVER now. I need to remind myself because I am still sick about it. YES ! I WANT WHAT HE GAVE HER DAMN IT!!! we are paying over 10k of debt he incur and a good chunk he spent on her, makes me so sick, we are on a tight budget and I even have to count our trips to McD's w/ kids. Honey, I so feel how you feel, and you know what helped relieve that pressure on my chest? this verses I found on my bible on Tuesday: (thinking of OP): "mine is the vengance says the Lord" "do not pay evil with evil, overcome evil with good" a lots of other verses telling me not to let anger get the best of me (I will find them)
On the note I found what is pretty much the reason WAS spend time, money and attention to those home wreckers, he wrote "when I feel bad, I want do do something nice for SOMEONE else".
Do you see that? the OPs are mere DISTRACTIONS!!! there are an outlet, a damn toilet if you will, where they poured out their frustrations. WE are worth more, when they married us and spend time and $$ on us they did it out of LOVE not desperation.
WE ARE WORTH A MILLION TIMES MORE
Yes, I too (internally) salivate for crumbs of my H's affection. But let's put it this way, we are staring over again, we are building our M brick by brick, and any improvement or gesture from them are steps forward.
BIG hugs, hang in there, you've done so much)))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat you are right. My H said the same thing. He said that he could not talk to anyone like he talked to me, was not in love, carried away. He said he projected great things onto her that she really wasn't. blah, blah.
I read things he wrote to her, and it wasn't what he ever wrote to me.....he wasn't florid or loving, and I remember each of her emails she always nagged at him for not calling, not spending time, etc.
He said the same thing that your H did, Cat. That at times he felt unappreciated by me....not just for things he gave me, but other things, like I nagged him, criticized, in his words..."men want to give, be the caretakers, be the earners.....they want to be appreciated for that. You Sh*t on what I gave you....and I wasn't looking to get into another woman's pants, just wanted someone who was crazy about me, that would appreciate what I gave them....that needed me in that way....I like giving, and I like someone being happy in receiving it."
Well, I appreciated every gift he gave me, even the guilt gifts. But, he's right, I didn't appreciate enough the other things. I did in the last year, but he's hurt over the other stuff.
I think this is a large part of it too. Sadly, I didn't think we played into gender roles, but I think we do. My H was never like that, but recently admitted to "what men want"....the fixer, the provider, the earner, the doer. And, to be honest, I like being the nurturer, the carer, the giver in that emotional way...which is why a bulk of my feelings of failure/disappointment (turning to resentment) towards H was that he was miserable with work and stayed that way, often wanted to be that way...and I could do nothing to help him, console him. I hated that he thought OW was "joy and excitement" to him in dark moment (our M), yet I tried and was nothing close to that when he was miserable with work.
BUT, now I realize, b/c of what H has said, that he wasn't really happy....miserable and depressed all the time. I know that too, b/c of how fragile he was during the time of the A, how hollow that happiness was, and how he admits that today. AND, if the A was so damned good, why are they back now, or in my case, why does he hop from woman to woman and always say he's miserable.
I cannot thank you enough for your kind and truthful words; what a blessing to have you pouring support into my life thru this window we share. I (of course) have to run to work (boo! we step on night shifts! stomp) but will be back to post more later and catch up on you as well.
:::SMOOCHES to all of you:::
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
