Run with me through rows of Speeding Cars

[cat03]

I'm sorry about your pet, it is so hard on the little ones, my ds also cried for days (and I with him) when his froggy died, oh, it broke my heart seeing him cry. Hugs))) hope she is dealing with it better today.

Wanted to share something with everygone, (BI, you'll like this, it involves lyrics ) as my H and I were driving this song came up, and he said "I could've written this song" as I read the lyrics today I can see how many WAS feel exactly this way:
BLUE OCTOBER LYRICS

Hate Me


I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so [censored] far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Had another backstep with H yesterday, about some damn thing I read from an old note of his to her. I can see now that when I bring old stuff up because I want to be clear about something all he sees is that I'm trying to drag him through the mud and make him miserable, that is not what I'm trying do do but that's how it comes up, please learn from my mistakes. I ended up leaving him a note (I never do that) I actually wrote down what BI said on one post "I hurt because i want what you freely gave her". I just had to get it out of my chest, want him to know I didnt' mean to make him feel guilty, just so he'll know that I miss his love and that somedays I'm running on empty.

I put this images on my head whenever I try to think and remember and do reconstructions about him and OP: me digging a hole in the ground through a thorn bush, ripping my skin and bleeding as I try to dip up something that should stay dead and buried. BI, you mentioned this imagery before, having this two dogs, the good and the bad, when I envisioned OP and stuff they did I imagen myself giving the bad dog a juicy steak just when it was about to die.

Let's try to block those thoughts until our brain stops going down that path, let's think of all the good things that could and will happen down the road instead of poisoning ourselves anymore.

By reliving the past we make it the present, it isn't, and if we dont stop that's the way we will always think, we dont' want that do we?

[believing_isaiah43]

Cat, you are ON it, Doggone it (as we say here in the south). Excellent post re: the hole we keep falling in re: the A.

What you focus on, expands.

I read that here somewhere over the months and have not forgotten it, b/c it's TRUE.

It's also true that when we bring up the OW to clarify something or want to understand a word/gesture/what-the-F-ever, that the spouse (the truly remorseful spouse, that is), is horrified to talk about it (but will) and then they feel farther apart from us b/c they are racked with guilt all over again. As my H said recently, whenever he thinks about the A/OW, he is ashamed.

I keep thinking he might be missing her, or something about her (gosh, the way she smelled, even. something small), but he is ashamed. says he won't even let himself 'go there' when thinking about her. It's my issue that I wonder at times if he does 'go there', or if he ever will 'go there' again. I pray not, but I also know that I have to LET IT GO and throw myself wholly in this R/M like never before. And if he F's me over again, I'm still a better person for having made the leap. Sounds against logic, but it's how I feel.

Hamster Update: Ya'll don't know this rodent. She is the Superhero of all hammies. She has escaped numerous times, fallen twice (TWICE!) down an 11 foot chimney opening. We've had to rescue her twice (TWICE!) from that depth thru a little tiny hole at the back of the fireplace (think mini gurney made of juice box and twine, a flashlight the only illumination, and HOURS cramped in a hunched position in the fireplace). Broken foot the first time, bloody head the 2nd. The vet is amazed at her. And she recovered fully both times.
Anyway, she's a kamikaze hamster, and is still alive. Even looked to be sleeping somewhat normally during the night. I still think she's at the end, but my H says he won't believe she's dying until she's really gone.

Jacqm, I also think your post was DEAD ON about giving that helaing thing to God, that my ICK with getting over this A needs to be mosty between me and God to get healed, and the actual M itself is what is between H & I (and God too). We're screaming headlong into PMS week, so we'll see how this resolve holds up, but my now-logical brain accepts that as good advice!

On an interesting note. I posted a long essay on my blog last night (much of it re-heated from here) about my past and how it affected my R, and H left me a comment! His first comment words were "Real and Honest" - which is something he never thought I was much of, so that was encouraging.

[believing_isaiah43]

Ooh, so many new people and posts here (sigh) - a shame. Infidelity is just PISSING ME OFF. It's pandemic, forpetessake. I just want to primal scream somewhere for all the selfish, hurtful acts to people here (and their kids)

Anyway, there's a blog I read called Marriages Restored. And it's been 10 (TEN!) years since this man's wife's affair and they've turned it around, but he still has problems occasionally. There's a link in the sidebar to his version and then she also writes about it, and they both brought lots of baggage. She had a PA but he also had an EA prior to that. Lots of good stuff to read thru, IMO. Like we all don't have enough reading material at the bedside - ha.

Kids and I have been listening to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" in the car a lot, yelling out the chorus (fun!) but I also love this part of the song:

Standing in line just to hear a "hello"
Faking a smile with the coffee to go

Hadn't posted some lyrics in a while, so there's a snippet!

[believing_isaiah43]

Running to work, making LOTS of good overtime money this week though. Needed, but so difficult to a) work nights and b) feel disconnected from the fam.

Ugh.

Also, a moment of silence for Runaround, the hamster, who died last night. We buried her today and my D6 put a sweet note in her 'coffin' and threw flowers on her site in the front yard.

[always_14]

Hey BI....sorry about the hamster. May she rest in peace, and perhaps go that eternal Hamster Wheel In the Sky...where you run all day and NEVER get tired.

Cat and BI....I KNOW how hard it is to forget the A. I am fine through the day, and then WHAM. I think the only reason I'm fine most of the time is that I don't live with H. Sometimes I think that maybe this thing is bigger than both of us. Then I talk to some friends here with wonderful, 30-year Ms where one or both partners had As. I have no idea. I can intellectualize it and all that, then there is the visceral response.

I think more than the sex, it's the emotional part. Then again, my therapist said the other way too, and it's all hard.

I love that song, Cat. The video is heartwrenching. You think he's talking about a lover, but he's talking about his mother who loved him through all these issues he had, and never gave up on him. It's such a sad video.

Cat....has H come clean about the A and details? Probably not, they never really do, it's too humiliating (oh, yeah, b/c I was NEVER humiliated..like the phone call I JUST GOT that rumors are STILL going around about H and his As....I felt FANTASTIC about that and H is the ONLY person suffering....what a bastard).

BUT...if you want this to work, I think the "clarity" questions have to minimize. Here's how I think it could work. Perhaps if you work on the M, build a solid foundation of friendship, trust, and all that nice stuff, you can THEN ask about the A. But, I know in order for you to do that, you need closure and disclosure from the A. But, push through it. I am a big believer in that you get what you seek, eventually, if you're patient and have a strategy of letting the other person come forward. I think you would get more honest answers out of him if he is more comfortable with you, more comfortable with the M and your connection.

Though we're still miles from that, my H is more open about the "why's" of what he did, what happened. And it usually spills forth in the conversation as it progresses and we have some good dialogue building, with me being CALM.

[believing_isaiah43]

Hey Always, you are so insightful. Thanks for consistently popping in and shedding light into my darker corners. It is hard, the emotional component to the A (loved her, wanted to marry her, most perfect/beautiful woman, etc), as well as the sex. The sex was only once (although talked about ad nauseum afterward) and the EA was so much longer than that prior to the PA. So, yeah, just a big stewpot of difficulty to strain the reality through.

It's a bit like snooping, the asking for clarification, in the emotional fallout it can bring. I have NOT brought it up as of late, and while my thoughts still whirr like a Quisinart many days - it stays contained w/in my own little brain for the time being.

We have a mutual acquaintance who is separated with a D3 and his wife is having an A. He is all-to-pieces over it, and has spoken with H on occasion, ironically, as he has no idea of our sitch, and then one afternoon spoke with me (we see him at our pool with our kids). H just asked me tonight, "What did you tell Friend? b/c he says you 'told him' about our problems"

I said "No. I did not. I told Friend that we had been on the verge of separating in Dec/Jan, that we'd had some problems but it was H's story to tell Friend if he chose to, and if you had told me at Christmas that I would still be M'd and together, I would've laughed in your face. I said all that by way of encouragement to Friend." H wasn't at all mad when he asked me, but I think he seemed surprised that I would "spill the beans", and seemed reassured that I did not, in fact, spill said-beans as H initially thought.

Believe me, enough people know about my beans in this small town, that I do not need the extra hobby of bean-spiller on my resume.

H has perhaps forgotten that it's not exactly a point of pride that he found me unattractive and not worth being married to, not too long ago, and someone else was much more worthy to him.

I was speaking to another mutual friend (who does NOT know) about a 3rd girl we know, now divorced, who's H was cheating on her during their InVitro treatments, forGodsSake. My gf's H commented that this girl was way too attractive for her H to be cheating on her. Ouch. People are so ignorant about A's when they don't have to worry with them. I of course piped right up and said, people have A's no matter how fantastic the spouse looks. And then I shut up, and mulled over my inner checklist of all my imaginary OW vs BI traits. Logic be damned, apparently.

So. Just worked 3 night shifts and on dayshift today
- don't know which end is up this week, and working so many 12hr shifts in a row just sux for the state of connectivity with the family, esp. H. Feeling needy and whiny. Just tired.

[believing_isaiah43]

Ya'll. I just had such a bad dream this afternoon. I was able to come home early today b/c our patient load was low enough on my unit to send me home. I am so tired from this run of work this week. Lots of overtime and swing shifts.

So, I am feeling puny and come to the bed about 4pm for a nap, and have this AWFUL nightmare. It sounds silly to write the details, but the upshot is that our fam was living in an apt. somewhere for about 8-9 months and one day I hear H in the apt next to ours laughing with OW, and it turns out he moved us there right next-fcuking-door to OW months prior and never let on. I go over to the apt to confront OW and she basically laughs at me b/c I'm so stupid and gullible.

I woke up right at that point in the dream, jumped out of bed and opened the bedroom door, startled H who was coming up the stairs, and burst my crazy-sleep-deprived self into tears.

I told H I had had a nightmare, he asked what about, I shook my head, still crying. He hugged me for a minute and reiterated that it was only a dream, and working 3 nights in a row is killing me. (of course I have several 3-night runs coming up in the next few weeks. kill me now).

Ya'll, I wept like a refugee for the rest of the evening, just walking around with my eyeballs leaking tears that I couldn't stop. Every time I went to get a tissue to wipe my eyes in the bathroom, I would just sob. WTH? I guess that inner Quisinart is not successfully keeping my junk to myself. Danged subconsious.

And so. Some Tori Amos lyrics...

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder what's in a day
what's in your cake this time

i guess you heard he's gone to l.a.
he says that behind my eyes i'm hiding
and he tells me i pushed him away
that my heart's been hard to find

here
there must be something here
there must be something here
here

baker baker can you explain
if truly his heart was made of icing
and i wonder how mine could taste
maybe we could change his mind

i know you're late for your next parade
you came to make sure that i'm not running
well i ran from him in all kinds of ways
guess it was his turn this time

time
thought i'd make friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time

baker baker baking a cake
make me a day
make me whole again
and i wonder if he's ok
if you see him say hi

[believing_isaiah43]

OMGosh, ya'll somebody please be online on this Friday night; I just found a profile of H on MYSPACE,
Status: SINGLE (?!),
Children: I DON'T WANT CHILDREN (?!?!?!?!)
and this is a NEW ACCOUNT.

WTF is this? This goes against absolutely everything I thought I knew (again) about this man. I am SHAKING, SHAKING. OMYF-ingGOD!

His myspace blog is PRIVATE and can't be viewed unless you're a friend of his. WTF WTF WTF

advice? help? what would YOU do? is anyone there?
H comes home in less than an hour - what do i do? I want to show him his myspace webpage on my laptop when he gets home and ask him to explain it. This is not DB land, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COMMITED TO THIS MARRIAGE AND RECONCILIATION. WHAT DO I DO?

HELP!

[MuddleThrough]

BI, try and find some way to focus on the good in him. Try to go overboard in the opposite direction of where your reactions are taking you now. Is there a chance, however slim, that there's some reason that page exists that DOESN'T have to do with cheating? Try and find one, for your own sanity.

I would suggest confronting him, AFTER you spend some time admiring him and being grateful for his presence. Just to gain a more neutral perspective so you don't jump to any conclusions or rash judgments.

Hang in there.

[RBinBR]

Pray ... right now! Pray for the strength to be kind to your H, and to love him unconditionally. Whether you confront him or not is up to you, but you need to do it in love.

So sorry ...