I have had a difficult week emotionally, and worked nights too, which 'disconnects' me from the family and makes me feel adrift. So, a double whammy.
I'm really grateful for the friends here who have posted encouragement and also similar feelings. I feel much less alone by having this BB and the amazing people who 'live' here.
Something I don't think I've brought up here is the fact that H told me during the A that he didn't love me anymore, would never love me again, and hadn't loved me long before the A started. "I'll always care about you and what happens to you, and respect you as the mother of my children" yadda yadda, etc. Quite the teardown.
About 2 months after the A ended -around March- we ML for the 1st time and he said ILY. He wrote it once in a card not long after ("i do love you") and that was it. We had some grand come-to-Jesus discussion not long after that and H recanted the ILY. He wants to feel it, but does not, and is through telling people what they want to hear just to spare their feelings, and that includes me. He trusts that doing the right thing, etc, will bring back the feelings, that God will honor the marriage and he will someday love me again. Not to 'yadda yadda' God, b/c He can do anything. The question I guess is WILL He?
About a year pre-A (I only found this out post-A), H lost his love for me and was praying for God to restore it. God did not, and to compound the insult, H fell in love with OW. yippee. So in the heinous aftermath of an A, we're supposed to find love in the rubble? (yes, i'm being a smarta$$ tonight, b/c it's just p*ssing me off and I can vent here)
So, H doesn't love me, yet he cares for me and wants the M to work, etc. So I didn't bring that up again b/c hey, it hurts like hell, let's just sidestep that for a while please. And I certainly stopped saying ILY to him after that. Big elephant in the room for me.
But, this week in MC, it's been 6 months since H left the A and severed all contact with OW. So, I decide to ask him 'in a safe environment' in front of the C, where his feelings are for me. He reiterates that "I care for you very deeply" (oh, VOMIT) but not the other. And of course I sit there with the big leaking eyeballs (b/c apparently that's what I do a lot of in MC) and a whole world of hurt for this lost love. Fcuk. Fcuk. Fcuk.
I've been reading Jokerman's thread in Newcomers (as is everyone!) and one of the things that breaks my heart is how he doesn't love his W and never did. How the OW is prettier, and more fun, etc. even though she's a fcuking lunatic and his W has the grace of an angel right now. But I digress. I am fortunate that my H was, at one point, hopelessly madly in love with me (and vice-versa), so it was there at some point.
But my fear: am I stuck with someone who will never love me again? It sure feels like it. That has been very discouraging, on top of the chest-crushing-A-flashbacks I had prior to this happy convo this week. Not a happy place. I realize, as H says, 'it was a long walk in, and a long walk out' but dang.
SO! To recap! A difficult, disconnected, non-love-filled life this week. Wheeeeee!
Yes, I'd like a little cheese with my whine. Might as well vent here, and not freak out IRL.
Any encouragement welcome.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Dude. Weekends are hard, b/c NOBODY'S HERE. Miss ya'll.
A late-night email from my H after we sat upstairs for a while talking (he has an office downstairs in our house, and we tend to email each other at night. A bone of contention for me, b/c I'd rather him be in bed with me, but I digress):
I know you are struggling with your issues about my affair, but it has been better lately. I expect you to struggle with it, since it was so horrific. I am so sorry about doing this to you. I would never have wanted to put you through this. Like I told you, I have tremendous guilt and shame about what I did, and I know that even though we got here together, that I was the one who committed the act. I can never justify that.
I am grateful for his willingness to talk about it, I just wish I could trust and rest in the fact that it is over and he doesn't compare me or miss OW, or all the other raging emotions ya'll are also familiar with. Ya'll know. It's my issue at this point, really.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi Believing! My puter locked up on my last attempt to reply and naturally, it was wisdom packed and so profound! I'll try my best to redo it.
about his feelings not being 'there'...this is definitely not a problem if you are both patient. I've read about people praying for it and then its there, stronger than ever. (restoring what the locusts have eaten, 'member?) Maybe there are some issues to be dealt with first--might be worth talking that one through.
One note--my H needs affirmations and compliments a LOT (so do i, but somehow that never concerns him) and in the last few years, when i saw he wasn't giving them, I stopped giving them too. Unfortunately, I think that was one of the things that finally drove us apart-he wasnt getting anything from me anymore. I would seek guidance on that; it may be one of the things that will bring him emotionally back to you--your consistantly being there for him even when he wasn't.
as for emailing each other--H and i always communicated best on the phone. i remember having arguments and we'd separate afterwards-he'd watch TV and i'd go upstairs to read or sew...then i'd just call him on the phone (we had 2 phone lines) and we'd talk for hours and work everything out. brings back memories. do you email deep stuff or just surface?
i hear you about the OW...i asked God to end this quickly because the longer it takes, the more crap there'll be to work through later...it HURTS and it comes to you like steel tipped arrows right in the heart. its the enemy trying to get you. i do know that God can protect you from that--He's been protecting me from the hurt of H being with her now-unless i slip up and let myself dwell on it. I claim the verse in Ephesians about the armor of God: 6:16 "In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the eveil one." It works, believe me! It was a big revelation to me about life that God doesn't remove the arrows, but He does provide you with a strong shield to deflect them. Also, the verse in Philippians 4:8 "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things" This is for our own good--to keep us optimistic and hopeful, and not depressed and hurting. We need to learn to control our minds-not an easy thing to do; i'm not sure which is harder to control, the tongue or the mind. i think we indulge the mind, because its just US that hears it BUT the thoughts are the breeding ground of all our feelings. if we think bad things, we become angry, hurt, resentful, etc. if we concentrate on positve things, its easier to stay upbeat. If we have problems in that area, God will help us if we ask Him. (WTH-the Bible's talking about maintaining a PMA!) End of sermon...was that for you or for me???
I lounged in bed today til 11am!! not a usual occurance; i usually get up early no matter what time i go to bed. i was laying there contemplating my situation and wondering what would happen if i started flirting and actively pursuing my H--what if i tried to jump him one day, would that interest him? would it gradually start to intrigue him enough to infiltrate his mind and relationship with OW?? We've had such a checkered past; ML in the most outrageous places, i wonder if i started in like that again, what would happen?
good luck with your late hours...monday i start early hours; we have stage shoots for the next 3 weeks and i'll be working 7-3pm...nice cuz i get to go home earlier, not nice cuz i never seem to get to bed before 2am. Oh well, life is like that (see, that's my PMA cuz i wanted to say, life sucks). Hang in there, BI, and thanks for your post on my thread-it helped! jacqm
Quote: I know you are struggling with your issues about my affair, but it has been better lately. I expect you to struggle with it, since it was so horrific. I am so sorry about doing this to you. I would never have wanted to put you through this. Like I told you, I have tremendous guilt and shame about what I did, and I know that even though we got here together, that I was the one who committed the act. I can never justify that.
Believing, just another thought. what would happen if you showed him unconditional love, total forgive/and/its forgotten love? Keep the hurt buried deep, only to be discussed with God who is the only one who can truly take away the pain, anyway... could your pain be heaping guilt on your H? He obviously feels remorse, and the longer you are in pain, the deeper his remorse, and maybe that's what is keeping the ILY from being felt by him? just a thought. Course, i would TELL him that you have made a concious decision to no longer worry about the A--that you were going to step out in faith and let God heal you, but that you were going to concentrate on you, your H and your M from now on in a positive, complete way. Let him know that the pain will still be there, but that God will deal with it and will deal with your H's feelings as well if he wants. When the Holy Spirit fills you with His love, it will overflow into all your relationships. There is no room for bitterness or sorrow, just love for your family. Someday soon i hope i have the opportunity to put THAT to the test!! Right now, with God's help, i try to maintain a judgement-free relationship with my H. jacqm
I just caught up on your thread. (By the way, thanks for popping over to mine.) I think the biggest thing that may be going on is that your H's guilt is keeping him from loving you. Part of him doesn't feel worthy, and he doesn't feel like a good person anymore. It's hurt his self-esteem. When he's romantic with you, it reminds him of his failure.
The best thing you can do (IMO), then is to prop him up. Let him know that you believe in him. Praise his good actions and follow it up with something about what a good father, funny guy, able businessman, etc that he is. And anytime that you tear him down or make him think less of himself, you hurt that.
I know that you already know this, but I didn't think it would hurt to repeat it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Jacqm and RB, EXCELLENT advice my friends. It's slow in coming, this forgiveness/unconditional love thing but it's coming. I needed to hear it from you today. perfect.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hey guys, I will never leave this board (she says sincerely!), but I have just-this-second started an anonymous blog for being 'real' as opposed to the family website that privately I always called a "Stepford" blog b/c it is so vanilla (pictures of kids, life is great, total BS).
When the A happened and H lost his job, one of the first things my MIL said was "you're not going to put it on the website, are you?" - she also didn't want any family members to know, etc. Ya'll. She is a whole other thread.
Anyway, I don't intend to go into far-and-away detail of the A like I did here, but will definitely cull from this thread initially to post about my real world, so there will be some repetition at first.
I told my H about it (he has his own personal one too), and prefaced it by saying that it was not for H-bashing, but for BI-finding and he could choose whether or not to read it. I rather think he won't. Not b/c he's worried about what I'll say there, but he just doesn't get all wrapped up in what I think, or feel the need to know. A mixed blessing, as I sometimes think it would be nice for him to be dying to know all about the inner moi.
Hell, I used to get on his computer and look at his iTunes from the night before to see what songs he'd listened to, and try to gauge where his thoughts/emotions were from that. Not in 5million years would he give a rat's hind end to see what music I'm listening to.
BI, i just read thru your blog and you're off to a good start! I bookmarked it so i won't miss any updates. hey, i went to my first I'm-all-alone-and-on-my-own dance tonight--a swing dance. haven't done that in years but it was fun. not looking for anything but a good time and lots of dancing, but it was NICE to hear someone actually say my name again, and to have someone enjoy being with me, even if only for a hot, sweaty dance. jacqm
Girl, that sound AWESOME! Good for you, I covet! ha. Will check in w/you later today, must herd the family toward getting dressed for church (hyah! ::cracks whip::)
On another note, our sweet hamster, Runaround, is on her last breaths this morning. Sat and pet her with my D6 and talked about dying and heaven, etc. So sad.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
for the 1st time and he said ILY. He wrote it once in a card not long after ("i do love you") and that was it. We had some grand come-to-Jesus discussion not long after that and H recanted the ILY. He wants to feel it, but does not, and is through telling people what they want to hear just to spare their feelings, and that includes me. He trusts that doing the right thing, etc, will bring back the feelings, that God will honor the marriage and he will someday love me again. Not to 'yadda yadda' God, b/c He can do anything. The question I guess is WILL He?
Might as well vent here, and not freak out IRL.
