I read DB just a couple of days ago and implemented a couple of the steps suggested in the book. This is a link to my first post in the newcomer's section (I should have posted it here).
As I've posted before, 180 worked! Now, she's curious as to what has happened to me. Is it ok to discuss with her things I'm planning or just remain mysterious? What if she wants to talk about our relationship? That's ok, right, as long as I'm not the one initiating?
Feedback would be much appreciated. I haven't felt this good about myself since finding out that my W is confiding (possibly more) with OM.
Keep her curious - mystery is important. Don't talk to her about the book, that would be giving away all your strategy.
If your wife initiations a relationship talk simply validate her feelings. It is too early for you to give much away - you must consistantly make the changes in yourself and let her notice them and be attracted back to you.
This is tough, but if you get it right you will reap the rewards.
Good luck
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
To validate is to do something like this...imagine a conversation between you and your W. This is how it would normally go WITHOUT validating.
W: I really think our marriage is over. We have not been on the same page for a long time and I wonder if we will ever get there again. I don't really even feel like trying anymore.
You: What do you mean! We are always on the same page. Our marriage is NOT over. I KNOW we will get there again becasue I believe in us and I love you. I think if you give us time, we will be ok.
Now, on the surface, that seems ok. You didn't get mad really, you simply stated how you feel but in the course of that, you invalidated how SHE feels and in turn, made her feel "wrong" for feeling that way.
Here's how the same thing would go if you were to validate her:
W: I really think our marriage is over. We have not been on the same page for a long time and I wonder if we will ever get there again. I don't really even feel like trying anymore.
You: I understand how you feel. I know things have been less than good lately for you. It makes sense, given all that we've been trough latley for you to feel like there is no hope. I'm sorry you feel that way.
The key to validation is not necessarily to agree with what she says because you CAN validate AND disagree. The key is to let her know that you heard what she said, and accept her right to feel that way. If you want to then disagree, fine, but in your case, probably better to just validate and then move on.
Again, you just don't want to make her feel that YOU don't think she has the right to feel a certain way. By validating her feelings you make her feel safe to express herself to you.
Remember, you can validate without agreeing.
Once more...
W: I really think you're an a$$hole for how you've treated me this past year.
You: I understand how you would feel that way.
You could then go on to appologize if you agreed with her, or you could simply say "but I don't agree with you." Don't defend yourself, don't get into long explinations. Just simply validate and move on.
I think it sounds right, it makes sense to me. I've been actually doing some of that the past couple of days but the stupid thing is I get carried away. One of the DO's I've read about was to be the one to end an activity before the W decides to. The other night, she thought it was nice out to cook steak out in the backyard. I prepared and cooked everything, she prepared the table, lit a couple of candles and turned off the lights. Everything was perfect until the time when stupid me mentioned what our receptionist told me. A girl at my work said she's interested in me. That kind of busted the whole evening. Now, if I knew validation then, it would have been a whole different story.
Not to be rude, but what does that have to do with validation? What does what your receptionist said to you, and a steak dinner by candle-light have to do with validation.
I guess what I mean is how would you have used validation in this example. I missed something.
It seems to me like you just needed to use the ole tried and true "keeping your mouth shut" technique here, lol.
Sigh, end of the month and here comes June. It will be our 9th year anniversary on the 28th and I am nervous. Do I plan something, is W planning something. This isn't really much of a question, I'm just venting.
On another note, W thinks we need to find a different MC, the one we've been seeing for 3 weeks now upsets her because of talking about the past. Sigh again. I've been looking at AAMFT to check if there's one in our area that employs SBT in their practice AND accepts our insurance.
