Not too much interaction with W lately. Talked to her other week and things got abit heated. Told her that ideally we would work things out and if she wanted to be part of it we could and I would be up for it. W said no way it's over, get used to it. I said that seeing what has happened and the way she has been acting lately that I can see that it is not going to work out and I will be giving up. W said I was contradicting myself. I tried to validate but ended up feeling like I was talking to a brick wall. W is seeng lawyers about splitting up the joint assets next week. Her father has to change his will and because her parents are tennants in common with us on the mortgage this is not a straight forward process.
Will be going to see a lawyer next week to see where I stand in regard to the division of assets. I do not want to give up what I am entitled to. I have been in this marriage for 18 years and am not going to relinquish what is rightfully mine. Earlier we talked and I said I'd just go for one third of the house equity, but now I feel I should also go for one third of the car, one third of the household goods (furniture, tv, fridge etc) and one third of the business I financed for her. Will see what lawyer says. As there are not a great deal of assets involved it might end up costng more than it is worth to fight it out in the courts.
Asked W if she wanted to got to an Indian festival with me today, Deepawali Mela (festival of lights). Just said "I'm going and would she like to come. If you don't want to I'm ok with that as I'm going anyway". She said she would like to go but said "Dont think we are getting back together, blah blah, blah". I guess she thinks I'm still pining for her.
At the moment I'm beining to feel a bit equanimious about the whole deal. I have been working on myself and getting to feel good about my life (except for the M & separation bit).
Going on nine months without a drink now. How time flys when you're having fun.
Well went to the festival thing with W. Wasn't a bad day. Wanted to hold her hand and touch her and maby give her a peck on the cheek but managed not to. W talked about her meditating and said this week she was starting to be able to see things before they happened. How she had worked out that she had to do what she was doing and she was doing it for herself and some people might call it selfish. Well I see it as selfish but I kept that to myself. Just validated what she said and turned conversation around to other matters as best as I could. Told her about me nearly getting evicted again and she advised me to get somewhere else to live. I wanted to say I have a house and you and the kids live there mabybe I should move in there but didn't. Had an offer to stay at the family home tonight (sleep on couch) W said she didn't care if I did or not. Wanted to say well if you don't care if I stay or not I may as well move back in. W said are you staying here or going home. I replied don't call the place where I'm staying home. I decided to not stay the night as I end up feeling worse when I do stay there. Cried on the way home, first time this week. I get the car and the kids tomorrow while the W goes to see her new bf. It will be good to have the kids but I hate it when W goes to see her "friend". Nothing I can do about it though. I suppose the "date" went pretty well overall, no major R talk, no me saying lets get back together (cheesless tunnel) only backslide me mentioning my shi&&y living arrangements. W said she had a good time and I said we must do it again sometime. I guess it is a small step one of many that I must take on this journey.
Got a TM from W today (friday) 'Hav u plans 4 weekend? U want kids Sat night and Sunday?'. My sitch is am lodging at someones place and have been told that I cannot have the kids around. If I 'get' the kids I have them at the family home whilst W has a sleep over at BF's place. I have previously done this and said 'no worries, It'll be good to be with kids'. Every time W has returned later than she said she would. Well this time when I phoned kids after I recieved the TM W gets on the phone and asks about her TM and I advised that I couldn't do it. W said 'OK' and handed phone to one of the kids, no small talk at all. Got my D to get W back on the phone and told her that if she wanted me to look after kids she would have to give me more notice and we would need the car so we don't end up just sitting around the house for two days. W was very curt in her response. I could tell she was a bit put out by my boundary setting. I really felt like I had/have been accomadating her on the other times I have looked after them so she could get away with her new BF, but am not going to jump at her beckon call any more.
I do want to see my kids as much as I can but am not going to be an on call baby sitter for her.
I know I have to get a place of my own so that the kids can come and stay and I do not have to stay at the family home feeling like an unwelcome guest on an ovenight stay.
W forced me out of the house but wants me back on occasions when she wants. I cannot and will not do it any more. She wants to be a single mum and has told me categorically that I will not be getting any custody whenever I have mentioned I wanted 50% at some stage.
No more hoop jumping for me.
I feel I did the right thing, any comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Went round family home today W said 'I want that computer you took when you left for a few days to do my tax. It has Quicken on it.' No, 'can I use your computer please if you dont mind' or anything like that. I told her she couldn't have it and most of the programs that were on it are gone now as I had no use for them. I seems it is my fault she has lost the original discs for her tax program. I advised her to buy a new one. Had she asked instead of demanded I would have let her use it. W still expects me to say 'how high' when she askes me to jump.
It feels good to be taking the power back. Reminds me of someones post here that talked about the 'dumpee' becoming the 'dumper'. I dont have to live in fear of being kicked out of the house anymore because it has already happened. Whatever happens in the future I will be able to handle it I have changed for the better and am still growing day by day. W has lost the plot and to me appears less desirable every time I see her. I am still open to reconcillation but W will have to come out of the her MLC and make the first move. I will still try to be open and friendly towards her but am not going to be walked over or treated with contempt by her. I will not show her any anger, resentment or jealousy. Of course we all know that that is easier said than done.
Yes Paul, That is what has happened to me. As we detach they DO get less desirable - especially when they not only do not work on themselves but they see no reason to. Then we focus on us and our boundaries and we grow stronger. We are on the right path Paul. Life is so full of opportunites and they do not revolve around our spouses.
More on computer story. W was visiting BIL with the kids and MIL & FIL and was telling them I woudn't lend her the computer. D16 piped up and said you didn't ask if you could borrow it you pretty well demanded it. W said later to D 'did dad say I demanded it', D replied "I was there when you said 'I want that computer for two days'".
W has appears to be quite distant in all interactions with me lately.
Had D9, D11 & S13 for the day today, we had a good time. Library book sale, fish and chips, beach and an hour with these Christidelphians. Would never have dreamed I would be spending time with religious types 12 months ago.
Got back to family home about 5pm and hung out for an hour or so, even made W laugh once or twice.
Seems the more I have no expectations and not holding on to outcomes the better things seem to go.
Not much happening with W, get to see kids couple of times a week and phone them every day. W asked if she could use my credit card to pay for her web hosting account. Told her she couldn't and would have to find another way to pay it. She wasn't impressed, but I figure that if she wants the single life, she can organise things like that herself. 12 months post bomb next week, things seem worse to me. W is dating, I'm not living at home, eldest D16 wants to have nothing to do with W's bf. I guess I have gotten a life just haven't got a W at moment. Have been going to two mindfulness meditation groups Monday & Tuesdays. I find that the mindulness training has helped me deal with the bad thoughts and feelings I have been getting. I would recommend people look into to it i they are having a bad time. I would prefer W comes around, but know whatever happens I will be able to handle it. Let's see what the next 12 months bring. Good luck to all fighting the good fight.
