Paul, I seem to have missed your thread entirely, and my heart goes out to you. I totally agree with your actions of late, let her deal with her own needs. I am glad you have stuck with making your life good with or without your W.
Who would have guessed that any of us would be doing the things we are doing?
Quote: I would prefer W comes around, but know whatever happens I will be able to handle it.
Hi, Paul.
I'm so happy and excited for you that you've found this calm place in your situation. You sound like a strong, worthwhile man who can handle whatever your life throws at you. Congratulations!
Good for your daughter standing up to your wife with the computer situation. She must have gained that strength from you. And the stopping drinking! Yee-haw!
Jounaling... I've been reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, 'Anger - Buddhist wisdom for Cooling the Flames'. Excellent read by the way. In it, besides advising on how to handle anger in yourself and anger directed at you, he also gives advice on R matters. So I thought I'd try out some of what he was recommending in regards to opening up compassionate communications.
me. 'W do you still hold alot of anger and resentment towards me'. W 'Yes a bit'. me. 'I am doing my best to make up for the way I treated you'. W 'you havent changed, you may have stopped drinking but you haven't changed' me. 'what can I do, please tell me so I know'. W 'What was the "don't tell me what to do" from the other day'. me. 'I only asked you not to tell me what to do. I didn't shout or say anything angrily'. W 'I cannot trust you, I told you to stop drinking years ago and you took no notice, I said if you didn't stop I would find someone else, well I did'. me 'you never said you'd find someone else'. W 'yes I did, you were drunk when I said it and you replied "so what"'. me 'I'm truly sorry for what has happened'. W 'forget it TNP it's over, we're never getting back together'.
more was said along the lines of her feeling apprehensive and guarded around me thinking I am judging her all the time. I advised her that felt the same way around her.
W 'I've always been totally honest with you'. me 'what about OM1, I asked you numerous times if there was anything going on and you denied it'. W 'nothing was going on till after the bomb'. me 'W I've read the MSN logs it is there in black and white'.
W silence
me 'W you know I still L you and wish there was some way we could work this out'.
W got a bit teary at this stage and I must admit so did I.
As I had to leave directly, I thought I'd try for a hug.
me nonchalantly 'W give us a hug will ya' W 'ok'
So I got my first hug of my W in over three months. Wasn't just me holding on, W held on also. Am not getting my hopes up too much over this but the hug shure felt good after all this time.
I guess there is a fine line between persuing behaviour and letting my W know how I feel about her.
Will look at this as a baby step. Now I gotta finish the book. Am about half way through it and thoroughly recommend it to anyone trying to deal with anger whether the anger is their own or directed at them.
Good luck to all who find themselves in a similar situation.
She still does not trust you but time is working on her.
She still chooses to remember what she wants to remember – mostly the negatives. She was not lying when she said that she was always honest. From her point of view that is what she remembers. She has to or her view of you and M would be in question. That is why they rewrite history.
She still is not ready to try again. From her view she has tried and tried. She will not risk getting burned again. She is still weak. That is why they are so entrenched in their positions. If they were stronger they would risk it b/c they would know that even if the worst happens, their self-esteem would support them. They do not trust themselves.
She still sounds just like my W.
Yes Paul, these are baby steps. You did well. She may start to come around or not but I read strength in your words. Your self-esteem will see you through this.
This is my first post to you. I just finished looking closer at your sitch. You are the first example w/WAW that has second A, was online dating....just like my WAW who just seemed to have started her second A. For some time I felt like I'm the only one here.
I admire your strengh. Since I believe my W has started the 2nd A (while she was 'working on the M') I'm ready to give up.
No advice but lots of support from me. Hang in there.
W keeps saying it is over. She has no feelings for me and is looking for someone else. I have to take this at face value and let her do what she wants, I cannot make her do or feel anything. Makes a bloke feel powerless, but in this case I am powerless over her. However I am not powerless over what I do and how I interact with her, the kids and her family and friends. I know she has suffered over the years and her actions are a result of the anger and resentments that have built up. It is her way of getting back at me and boy is it working a treat.
It is only the fact that I know this that makes me want to keep on the path to reconcilliation.
She is a good woman and a great mother and it is a real pity that I took her for granted for so many years. I have been (since bomb and starting DBing)and still will be treating her with respect however I have started setting boundaries and some of them have upset her. That is why I initiated the the R talk mentioned in my last post here. I had to let her know (remind her) I was still up for working things out if she so desired.
Am 48 tomorrow, never thought I'd be in this situation at this stage of my life. Might pop in at family home for an hour of so mainly for the kids sake. Have my Tuesday Mindfulness Meditation group to go to that night, as it is only a small group I don't want to let the other members down by not turning up. The mindfulness stuff is quite life changing and I cannot recommend it enough. It has really helped me handle the depression, the negative emotions, the feelings of rejection and bad self image etc that I had been getting whilst going through this. Look into it people.
FIL is 70 next Thursday and I have been asked round to join the family celebrations. Normally FIL's and my b.days are acknowledged on the same day. Time to see if my 180's with W's family has borne any fruit.
Am taking kids out to lunch on Saterday for a bday treat for me. Told W she is welcome too, if she wants to go. Doesn't worry me if she goes or not, actually will be cheaper if she doesn't go.
Good luck to all you standers/quiter/undecided out there.
'When no one is doing what you think is right, do it yourself'
'We need to let go of everthing that no longer serves us. How long must we carry the burden of the mistakes of our past'.
Today is Thanksgiving here in the United States. I said a prayer for many of my new friends. But I cannot forget my overseas friends that have helped me soooooo much over the past six months.
Sending a prayer you way – thank you so much – I wish I could do more. May your life be blessed.
