I guess every day is thanksgiving day if you really think about it. In some ways I am thankfull all this has happened. If it had not I would still be living a pretty sh*tfull life. At present my life is not too bad if I dont think about the sit. regards the W too much.
What have I got to be thankfull about...
I am thankfull that I am now relativly healthy both physically and mentally. A far cry from the old Paul of 12 months ago.
I am thankfull that I can now look in the mirror and actually like the person looking back.
I am thankfull that I have four wonderfull children that love me as much as I love them.
I am thankfull that I can now see the part I played in this situation coming about and have been able to make numerous positive changes in the way I react and interact with my W and family.
I am thankfull that I am now more able to recognise when negative thoughts and feelings like anger, resentment and hate start to arise I am able to know they are arising and can replace them with compassion, love, joy and most importantly understanding.
I am thankfull that I found AA, am still sober, and know for a fact that if I started drinking again this sit. I find myself in would very quickly get a whole lot worse.
I am thankfull this board exists and there are many people here willing to offer help and support to others even when they themselvs are hurting and going through, possibly, one of the biggest and hardest tests in their lives.
I am thankfull that I am alive and that the life I have lived (as bad as parts of it have been) has got me to a place where I do have alot to be thankfull for.
Well its been over 1 month since I have posted here.
I wasn't looking forward to Christmas and the new year but they ended up quite good considering what has been going on. Spent xmas day at the family home with W, kids & her parents. It went well, I went with the intention of making the most of it and making it as enjoyable for the children as I could. Boxing day was smme people plus all W's brothers & sisters, their spouses and children. Everyone had a good time.
Spent newyears eve camping with D9, D11 and a few friends I have met since we seperated. It went good, the girls had a great time plaing drums and exploring.
Didn't put any pressure on W at all through the festive season. We seem to be communicationg fairly well even if it is in a quite reserved way.
OM 2 semms to have distanced himself from W. W it seems wanted commitment from him and he didn't want to commit. Don't know if its over or still simmering. W will now probably start looking for another one. The hedge of thorns praying may have helped here.
I had been thinking of asking W out to dinner one night out of the blue. Well was talking to W earlier in the week and she asked what I was doing Friday night. I was thinking she wanted me to look after the kids so she could go out but I decided to say I had nothing on. Well you could have knocked me down with a feather when she said "you want to come with me & D16 to the Surf Club for dinner and dancing". I tried to not look too eager or gobsmacked.
So we went on Friday night, not before I'd bought a new shirt, jeans and shoes. W had a great time and so did I. It was really good the hear W laughing and to see her enjoying the music. Worst part was not being able to show her any affection. No hand holding, arm around her or hugs, especially when that is what I so want to do.
I feel the "date" was quite a breakthrough, but I know I cannot expect or read too much from this. At least it gave me something to write about.
Its only the 7th day of the new year and I know for a fact this year is going to be alot better than the last one whatever happens.
Wow! You sound great. And your wife is noticing "the new Paul." There's no mistaking that. Congratulations on getting a 'date' with her. You've worked so hard on yourself and you are now seeing your wife taking some steps toward you so she can have a closer look.
I just had my first 'date' with my SO last night too. He took me to dinner for my 40th birthday.
Have seen a small improvement in the sit. with my w. We w, d16, s14, d12, d11 and I had a day out together. W has mostly declined outings with me and the kids since the separation.
We were talking on the Saterday and I asked what she had on on Sunday. W suggested we all go out for the day, so we did. This is the first time she has suggested we all go somewhere as a family since we seperated. When I say 'as a family' I mean w, kids and me. We have all been to family occasions together involving her parents and brothers and sisters etc, but not just us, alone as it were.
Also w had expressed interest in going to Al Anon eight or nine months ago and now is going to go to her first meeting tomorrow night. I am taking her as there is a meeting for me at the same time and location. I very happy that she has decided to take this step and hope that she will be able to get something out of it.
W started a myspace account and sent me a 'sign up as a friend' email. I followed it and did the be a friend bit. When I saw her space and started to have a read I saw that she had put her status as ... (drum roll please)... DIVORCED. The word she should have used is separated, I guess in her mind she is divorced. So I took my be a friend thingy back. W asked later why I hadn't signed up and I just told her that I didn't really go to or do myspace much so hadn't bothered.
Mixed signals if ever I saw them. D16 reminded me the other day that I had told her I would wait one month for every year w and I had been together. That means till November this year. The end of April marks the one year of separation that is needed in Australia before a divorce can be lodged. I won't be lodging one although the thought has crossed my mind a few times lately.
I find that now, some 14 months post bomb. that the w ant the sit, is not allways in my thoughts first thing in the morning and I can get through most of the day without thinking too much about the sit. But the sit. is allways there ready to ruin the moment if I let it.
W wanted to try to rent the dvd 'The Secret' last Saterday night. She couldn't get it. I was going to hang around and we would all get pizza and watch it. Couldn't get the video so I headed off home for the night. Got a rare phone call off the w on Saterday night that the film was on tv that very night. Spooky hey. So we got to watch it. although w and kids saw it a the family home and I saw it where I'm staying.
The Secret is, you create your own reality. What you ask for is what you get. If you think and believe everything is going to go wrong it will, on the other hand if you think and believe is going to be perfect it will be.
Doing things as a family is wonderful Paul. I wish I could write the same. My ice queen is still cold - even after a year now. Thanks for reminding me how we create our own reality. That helps.
Stay the course. On month for every year? That may be low. But we cannot wait forever, can we?
Took w to the Al Anon meeting, left her to it and I went to mine. I'm glad she has decided to go it will help her, if she puts in the work.
As for 'One month for every year'? That's flexible. The mindset I have now is w will have to make the move. I will be DBing my a$$ off. But I will not be asking for any reconcilliation or instigate any R talk. I have just got to get on with my life and see what happens.
The door seems to have opened ever so slightly and she has to be the one to open it further and eventually open it fully. All I have got to do is stay the course.
W invited me to nieces bday (10) on Saterday, will all be going together. Heard about a camping weekend w, kids and w's brothers, sisters their partners and their kids are going on. Hoping for an invite and have asked d16 to put the idea up. I know I should just let the invite come but I can't help trying to help things along a bit.
Well I got the invite to the camping trip. D16 didn't have to do any prompting either. Am getting mixed signals from w. Went out with w last Friday night just her and myself. Went to see a music competition final for young aspiring musos. There was about eight finalists. It was a good night although I found it hard to get a good converstion going with the w I guess she finds it hard to talk to me too. Was around the family home on Monday and asked w if she had many people coming to her meditation. She said most had cancelled and if she could contact the one person that hadn't cancelled she would cancel it and go and visit OM. I just said MMM. Don't know if she was trying to get a reaction from me or what, well I didn't give her one. I thought OM had backed off.
Have made a concious decision not to pry, spy or try in any way to find out what w is up to. The knowing only seems to give me grief so it is better not to know. Also if w found out I was prying etc. it would set the cause back somewhat.
So it seems that there are some positive signs from w lately. The fact w is still wanting to go to AlAnon and she has wanted to do things with me lately and the fact that she invited me to the camping trip all positive. I have still got to be patient though.
Well, went camping. D16 wanted to attend school and then watch the final OC episode on the Friday night. The rest of the family W, s14, d12 & d10 went on the Friday morning. Ended up D16 decided to not watch OC and her and I got to the campsite after dark. All W's family was there lots of nieces & nephews. We arrived just in time for dinner (bbq) talk about good timing. Nice campsite, bush setting in a national park with nice waterhole. I got to sleep next to w for the first time in 10 months. W and I didn't really talk much and she seemed a bit distant from the rest of her family. She spent most of the time reading the Men are from Mars & Venus book.
Trying to figure out what went wrong with last om I guess.
As part of my GALing I have met lots of new people and one of them, Justin, was going to play a gig on the Saturday night. He plays 12 string slide guitar whilst also playing the didgeredoo. It's a very good combination. So I came back late on the Saturday afternoon so I could see him play. Noticed w was watching me leave when I took off, normally she shows no interest. The show was great he has some good sounds but it was all instrumental.
Went back to the campground on Sunday morning and spent most of the day there and helped everyone pack up.
Finally heard w mention something about depression. mil, W & myself were together an w was tlaking about the kids and especially how demanding d14 is when w said 'maybe thats why I get depressed all the time'. Huuummm food for thought.
W still wants to go to AlAnon meetings, I have been taking her but am starting to feel that if she want to go she can drive herself. She has shown no real interest in me and considers herself divorced from me and that the m is over. Why should I take her? I know that it was my drinking that brought about my w's need/want to go to AlAnon but am I obliged to be escorting her there once a week. I suppose it is a good way to see her regularally. I asked her if she intended to do the 12 steps and she told me she's read them and is doing them all the time now. I was a bit put off by that as I am of the understanding that someone (a sponsor) takes you through the steps one at a time. The fourth step involves looking deeply into yourself to expose your character flaws. Was kinda hoping w would be putting a bit of effort into it. I suppose time will tell.
W's home phone and mobile have been cut off again for nonpayment. I don't like see this happening and know she must be hurting but theres nothing I can do but keep DBing and enjoying and making the most of my new found freedom.
Don't seem to be obsessing over w so much lately although I do have my moments.
Hi Paul, I've never posted to you.........; my you are a strong man....I couldn't handle seeing my H as often as you see your wife, so I've gone No Contact for a while. My H considers himself divorced as well, but we have never even discussed the possibility. He has a young OW (24) and he himself is 35. I'm 34 and we have 3 kids (8,6,3). We had been together for 17 years.....;we had so much love and passion but according to him we "broke" things....Oh well...you know how it goes ....
He is the type that wants to have a great friendship with me, see the kids as often as HE likes and have his OW on the side as often as HE likes........ I couldn't deal with it anymore and we've just come back from a ski trip with the whole family (H, myself, and the kids) and it was GREAT, I realised how much I still love him and how much I miss him. The reality of life when we got back (him going back to OW) hit me so hard that I needed to initiate NC again....it hurts...it really does. I'd LOVE to see him often, like you see your wife, but it pains me too much and I also feel that he is stuck in REPLAY by me just fullfilling his "fantasy", he needs to see some conseaquences I guess, SOMETHING, but mainly I need to let him go and I need to have my life because I constantly live in his !!!
I wish I had your strength and your obvious calmness to see things for what they are !!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
