Been just about one month since my last post on this thread. Been lurking & putting some input in every now and then otherwise.
Just about given up on w ever coming around. Would be nice but not essential for me. Would be great for the kids. Guess I've had one too many kicks in the gut.
w's business partner, who knew what was going on early in this sit. has done the dirty on her. This is the woman who w has stated was her mother in a previous life when they both got burnt at the stake. D16 told me w was crying when w was telling mil about it. I know it is upsetting for w but I'm in no position to do any consoling.
W has been distant around me lately and I can feel a great barrier between us. We can't seem to be able to communicate any more, it all seems to me to be strained. I was happy to take her to Al anon meetings but given that w only seemed to talk in mono syllables was, and is not, much point in even trying. So I am not pushing her to go.
I recently have come to the conclusion that I have to let go of the person who was my wife totally. The person who was my wife is helping me in this process by inviting om into the family home to hang out and sleep over. My children don't like om much and I am inclined to agree with their perceptions of him in this regard.
Youngest d10 sent me an email yesterday telling me, amongst other things, she 'hated that M**k dude'. I had to answer her to tell her not to hate him, that she has to help mummy all she can and no mater what I am and alway will be her daddy.
I have been doing my best to not think about the sit. if I find myself dwelling on it I have to just remember to come back to the present. Lately I have been starting to get back into stuff I had just dropped when this sit. started. Am going to develop a website and learn computer animation plus whatever else I decide I want to do.
The 12 month separation required before being eligible to file for divorce comes up April 27th. Am tempted to go ahead and file myself as a way of getting some closure. W is not inclined to do any assets settlement and this would be a way to get the ball rolling. I know you all will say don't file if you don't want the d, that is what I think too. It is just what with the om staying over in the family home, in the marital bed mind you, kinds of seals it for me.
I won't be doing anything hastily but I've got to get this stuff out. Up to recently my going to see the kids was also an excuse to see w. Now I don't really want to see w. I want to see the kids but, and this is a major but, what if om is there? I really do not want to meet this person. Yesterday w was out and I was round the family home supposed to be taking kids out in the family van. Turns out w couldn't get back in time and had om in tow. I begged off taking the kids out as the festival would have been winding down when we got there. I took off before w and her friend turned up. Feels a bit cowardly but I don't want to be makeing a difficult situation worse.
What a life we all have people. Never a dull moment.
You've come a long way. Good for you. Just wanted to pass on advice I got from my DB coach, which may or may not help in your sitch. But since your wife had a problem at work, it might have been the time for this. Here goes:
Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth--don't make it any harder than it already would be.
Listen like a lover/friend. Validate her concerns even if you disagree with them. Applaud loudly for the 1% of good she does or says.
Once she feels "safe" to talk to you, partly b/c you WILL NOT bring up R talk, she'll share more. That builds on itself.
The OM is nothing but a bandaid and is of no importance. I know, easy for me to say. Just telling you not to waste a second of your life on him. At least indifference to him could be a goal.
And for the record, I've had 2 relatives divorce only to later remarry their former spouses. One of them had alcohol as a factor and I know they both got sober. Years later they remarried and are happy today. My aunt divorced her H and they remarried 5 years later, and when he dies last year of cancer, his wife and kids were at his side. It happens. In both cases, neither went too crazy/bitter/raging and both M's had kids, which meant continued long term contact like you have. She'll see the changes in you and the "blended" family crap will start to haunt her.
No mother is unmoved by the father of her children lovingly interacting with them. It matters. It is noticed even when not in front of her face. She'll hear the kids stories of their fun with you. I forgot what you are doing about custody and don't know the law there. But in this country, if you have a regular work schedule, you'd have a very good chance of getting them half time. Good luck on that and stay calm, and on your program. I've been through a 12 step program myself and I have a lot of love and good feelings about it. It takes courage and integrity to go thru what you have gone thru with the 4th step (?) "fearless moral inventory",etc. Although I found it so hard and so frightening, they ought to call it the "Fear FILLED moral inventory..." Oh, I have some wonderful cousins in Australia. Really wonderful people. One of them was widowed twice and when I asked her how she felt about losing two husbands, she said: "I'm so fortunate to have really loved two men and been really loved back..." Great PMA. (hugs) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You sound wonderful Paul. Letting go is hard. You file first? I posted to Faithisbelieving (FIB) about that, may help you see the 'other side' of 'letting them do it all'.
Going round to see the kids this arvo. Won't be saying or doing anything stupid in regard to w & her actions. Just going to catch up with and advise kids that if om is staying there and they don't like the idea all they have to do is call me and I will come and get them and they can sleep over at my place.
I will have to get a place of my own so this can be more doable in the future. I will have to double, no triple my income for this to happen. I have done it before so I can do it again. This time I will be in control.
Feel like telling w only to talk to me if it is about kids or asset separation. But you and I know I will not.
Don't think he is moving in but you never know.
Wish w would use the cheap bandaids, you know the ones that fall off in an hour.
Havent been to my Monday night meditation group much this year so am going tonight.
Felt a bit iffy once or twice today at work but but have been a lot worse, so pma is building slowly.
Here is a quote from an intro to a song. I don't know who it is, probably Hunter S Tompson"...
"There was no point in looking back. F*&k no. Not today thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger. A man on the move and just sick enough to be totally competent."
hey, that was my wedding song!! Anyhow, does your comment about not saying "only discuss kids/assets" mean you bring up R? Hmmm. Hope not. Definitely think there is not much to say when LM is present.(LM = loser man). Sorry you are here. At least your kids see your efforts and that matters much more than we can know. My d18 told the woman she babysits for, that she "admired" how much commitment I've shown to M, H, etc. I had worried A LOT about looking like a doormat to her. Very happy to hear those comments. Bet they apply to you too. But yep, all LBSers need some boundaries too. (hugs) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My D16 has a myspace and on it under hero's is, you guessed it, TNP. I believe she has noticed The New Paul so has everyone else I choose to interact with including w.
Went round to see kids but didn't bother going to Monday group last night as it is about 1 hour each way and I do have early starts. The smaller, local, Tuesday group is 5 minutes away so I make that one regularly. Fixed the w up though, what do you do in situations like this, I did what any self respecting db'er would do. A big 180, she probably knows kids would have told me about LM and would have been expecting me to say something or act up in some way about it, so instead I gave her a present.
Recently I bought 'The Secret' book for a bargain price, initially I thought I'd get it for w but then thought 'stuff that I'll have it'. W currently is right into the secret and the power of intention and all that make your own reality stuff. Actually I was the one who put her onto the secret in the first place. Last night w was going to have a bunch of her friends (female so thats ok) around to watch the secret so it just came to me to give the book to her. It was a real joy to see her eyes light up, I know she really liked it. In fact d16 txt'd me today saying w was bragging to her friends about it.
I didn't hang round long as I was intending to go to meditation, said my goodbyes to the kids and a 'see ya' to w. Started off heading into Brisbane but it looked as though it might rain so I turned left at the freeway instead and headed home. It was just on dusk and I was flying on the bike overtaking cars and semis doing about 15-20k over the speed limit all of a sudden, you guessed it, flashing lights it was the police behind me. 'What jolly bad luck' I thought or words to that effect. I pulled over to the left lane and the police car kept going and pulled someone up several cars ahead. I couldn't believe it.
Must try to keep the speed down.
As far a w goes same routine, be friendly, approachable, supportive. Don't be angry, resentful, jealous, argumentative etc.
Didn't get to see the kids much as om was round family home and I am in no hurry to meet up with him.
W never ceases to amaze me, you'd think w would want to spend Easter Sunday with the children but no she fobbs them off on her parents and goes out with om. If I'd have known that was happening I would have been with them. Oh well.
Phoned kids today and was advised om had left the building so decided to go round for a visit. W kept her distance, she came and offered me 2 small easter eggs and I declined. I just said "no thanks", I could tell this upset her but I just couldn't accept them from her. This is probably not good DBing but I just went with what I was feeling and I was not feeling too good.
W will just have to handle it. Really feel like I'm at a crossroads now. Hang on or to hell with it. You'd think that after 16 odd months of this I'd be more aloof but today just got to me.
As for treating w like a friend it is hard to do if it is not reciprocated. D12 suggested I stay for dinner tonight and w said no without missing a beat. Kinda tells me she don't want me around. I don't particularly want to be around her either at the moment, so I guess the feeling is mutual.
They really couldn't come up with better stuff in soap opera's. Pity The kids and I have to go through this though. It would be nice to just be able to change channels to some lite entertainment for a change.
Not much happening arround here worth repeating. W continues to have om over the house on weekends. I've been keeping my distance but last Saterday I was round there when om turned up. W and her beau talked at his car for a while so I went inside get a better look from my old/our bedroom d16 followed. So I got my first glimpse of l.m. in the flesh. D & I made a few jokey comments about him and I made a point of not being too nasty.
Back to my seat under the veranda, wasn't feeling too upbeat by now because I could see we would have to meet!!! Kids were around me when w and lm enter our space. This was it. w goes "Paul this is Mark". "Hi I say" then reach for the handy local newspaper and continue reading where I'd left off. Lm makes his escape into my house. I continue maintaining my precence for a few moments then make my escape to mil's house to catch up with mil's sister. Had a cup of tea and some light conversation with w's auntie and in laws till w and lm left for their trip to the shops. D16 said I handled it very well.
I'm sure w and lm were stressing out about the introduction and w is probably still waiting for repercussions from me regarding lm staying over. Don't know what inlaws make of it all I am making a point of not discussing it with her family any more. Everyone says move on etc, etc. Thats the easy solution and I'm a sucker for punishment.
Visited the family home again today said hi to kids first. w was ebaying so just said hi and left it at that. Chatted and whatnot with the kids for a while and fixed James' 'puter, then finally said my goodbyes to the kids. W was out side as I was leaving so I said see ya and was about to head off when w started a conversation.
She has got involved with a charity called Watoto that raises money and builds homes in Africa and is having a big fundraising event at home in three weeks. over 200 expected. Aparently lm is coming and I am welcome too, that is if I don't feel too uncomfortable about it. All w's rellies will be there most of her friends too.
Told here I'd love to go "Count me in for a $10 ticket". Said I'd help out if needed etc.
This is going to be weird. Things are good between me and her brothers and sisters and her parents. They all have an awareness of MLC. W's friends mostly will have a demonized view of me I'd say. Given w has told me previously that her "fiber friends" group and her meditation group couldn't believe it when she told them what it was like for her in her life with me when I used to drink. I don't disagree with w in this point either I did make her life hell, mine was too.
It ain't now though folks.
I'm looking forward to going after all it is a good cause. Wifey dear doesn't know what she could lose here.
Wow Paul, You handled that well. I would have lost it I think. Or maybe not. But having the OM there when you were, plus introductions? How often they twist the knife they shoved in our backs b/c of our past sins.
What ever happened to forgiveness? What ever happened to it is wrong to be with another person when you are still legally M?
At least you are on the high road. Stay there my friend.
