All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[HappierAndHealthier]

Cat

You're sounding better again. Remember, this stuff will only hurt you.

I am not sure that I understood your last remark to me. You did mean to prey with your H? or you don't mean to prey about my sitch?

I was not trying to dump my sitch into your thread, just empathizing, and explaining why it is emotionally easier on me. As with everything else time does heal.

God Bless and keep your eye on Him.

[cat03]

Hi HH, sweety, (i'm a bad speller sometimes) I meant I didn't want to pry and ask you questions that maybe you didnt' want to talk about, I don't see many posts from you and didnt' realize about your H's A. You can unload ALL you want girl, we've shared so much on this board that I do really care about what goes on w/you gal)))))

Yes, time heals, it's been a rollercoaser (thanks pms!) of emotions. During C I didn't even cry as I told the C everything (H did go next day) but oh boy! yesterday I was a zombie, was about to do something really dumb but didnt'.

H took it alright, had so much to do for the academy that he was busy the whole time and tried to let me be, which made me mad and glad at the same time. Today I feel better, for some strange reason I keep replaying the part from his letter where he talks about them 2 doing u-know what. I think I'm trying to make it insignificant and numbing myself to those images, a dumb way to get over it, but over all do feel much better.
I just had to come to my post last night so I could get some solace from you all, I ate every word, you guys who posted dont' know how much youve helped, lov you all))))

[HappierAndHealthier]

Not sure which thread to reply to.
As I was driving home on Friday, I so wanted to edit my misspellings. sorry. not as dumb as my spelling makes me appear.

Regarding my sitch. Not much to tell and I really have no need to unload. I did a lot of that, much of it wrongly, and I have come a long way.

Cat, I have followed you from your first days on the BB. and you my dear have not been the easiest to follow. You are the sweetest lady. You have always been best at giving comfort to others.

if there is something about my stich that you want to know, ask. I am an open book to the extent that if you ask, I will have an answer even if its that I don't want to talk about it. So far, I've never had to use that line.

I only know 2 things about relationships. Snooping hurts the snooper everytime, and sometimes the R also. And, time does heal. Let go of the letter. Don't beat yourself up. It's a choice like everything else. LET GO.
I've had to do it. Many here on the board have had to do it. and you will find yourself better for it.

[cat03]

that's how messed up I am, posted on the wrong place! meant to post on this thread not the older one.

Your words on my other post are opening my eyes, I have them half closed because of my hissy fit I can't think straight and I'm doing the "corpse digging" again, unearthing what can only hurt me as you say.
HH, you are something else, I can't believe how much youve' grown while I seem to go backwards with my insistance on making timelines and trying to find out about all he did while away, picking at the scabs and never letting myself heal. Thanks sweety)))))))) I think the craziness is leaving me now, I think my sences are coming back

You should be talking! I had to figure out where were you when you changed your name you rascal! not until this past month that I actually have a thread, so you are right, I'm hard to get

[cat03]

Here is my post, for anyone who cares, which was supposed to be here not on the old thread, if anything, learn from my mistakes:

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH this damn rollercoaster!!!!
Friday- felt good, went to C, didn't even loose my cool
Saturday- felt bad enough to go out and find someone to ... yea, that
Sunday- felt much better, pushed all images aside
Monday- feel that sickness again, looked again for dates and loose ends

He said he hadn't had sx w/HW (homewrecker) for a long time before he came home and we ML. Guess 1mth it isn't a long time, I was piecing in my mind again a timeline (yes, I was torturing myself, I TRIED not to! I even put on Rocky at 6am in an efford to distract myself from crazy thoughts) and it doesn't seem like he is telling the truth, this are my suppositions, I guess I could be wrong, I dont' know anymore.
We went to Vegas in end of April, though originally his plan was to go w/her, he bought plane and show tickets the 13th of that month, hotel, all the works.

ARRGHHH, the details are killing me, yes, we ended up going together, and yes, I understand he needed time to get her out of her mind, he came back to me right after his plans didnt' work out.

My heart is chopped up again, just talked to C on phone, he tells me that no answer H gives me about the past will satisfied me (ei why he went on a family vacation w/us & planned his trip to Vegas at the same time) soooooooooo, *SIGH* I'm fighing little demons right now.

OK, reading from my cheat sheet:
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

[always_14]

Hey cat....it's OK to feel how you do. You just unearthed a lot of stuff. As long as you don't take it out on H or kids, it's OK to feel crazy, like screaming, like hell.

I have a suggestion. I have also found some horrific stuff recently, and it was so much easier to deal with since we're separated. Our lives are not together now. I'm not suggesting you separate, but can you perhaps go away for the weekend or something, just to get some space. Right now, you are with H, near the room full of letters/stuff, and just memories. At least a day trip.

Your H probably did a LOT of things while he was gone that is hurtful to you now. The hardest thing to remember is that he did it to himself, not to hurt you. Moreover, you will get over this, while H has to live with it and likely screwed himself up more.

I suggest you take a look at Pregnant and DBings thread....she has a really good take on the whole thing.....that lives were separate while gone and what he did then was his life. It's tough one to swallow, but it's something that I am beginning to realize might be the thing to think while finding forgiveness.

[Gwyn]

Cat,

Reading up on your posts. I KNOW how you feel, we all do! I'm piecing too and some days are good and some days are bad, but the one thing I can tell you is that if you don't let go, you will destroy everything that you want so bad. If you want your marriage to survive, you have to let it go! Your H made horrible mistakes and probably will in the future but it sounds like to me he wants to be with YOU - not the ow. Your H, like mine, knew what his consequences would be but he got so caught up at the time it didn't seem to matter. Now, that the cloud lifted, he sees the damage and now he has to live with it. Piecing, IMHO is harder than walking away. You have to be goal oriented. Get through today, then tomorrow, then the next without snooping, loosing your temper, etc. Take one day at a time. Don't look at the big picuture right now, you're not ready for that. Take one day at a time. Get up in the morning with a positive attitude. Tell yourself "I'm happy today" and be happy throughout the day. Then when you go to bed, say to yourself "I made it -tomorrow I will decide to be more compassionate and then do that. One day at a time. That's what I do and again, sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not, but I pick myself up, set my goal for tomorrow and strive to meet that goal.

I'll be checking in and reading up on your sitch.

Good luck!

Gwyn

[cat03]

always and Gwyn you are sight for sore eyes!!! thanks so much for coming over, been looking for you two for a while!
The anger is subsiding, but just in case I carry a piece of paper w/ posts to me (like yours) to read them whenever I feel bumbed, you both are heaven sent!
I want to be free from this new monkey on my back, and slowly but surely is happening, managed to even be affectionate towards H before he left for the academy.
The only thorn in me is why he sent her flowers, the damn flowers again!, on her b-day on April when he came home, was he still contacting her? he erased some things on his phone before handing it to me when I found out about the A. When I screamed at him about the flowers he never did tell me why and now I'm getting all worked up about it and want to ask him calmly if he still was getting over her. ARGHHHHHHHHH, small set back here. I already told him I wasn't going to talk about what happened before he came back, well, this is after he came back, I so want to bring it up tonight.
Great, there goes all the progress I've done.

For the most past Im 2/3 of the way there processing the A and do have some more peace of mind about the whole thing. I sure as heck won't look anymore, details do make things lots worse, I finally understand that now.

[SvenTheRed]

Hi Cat,

First, let me empathize with your situation – my WAW had a very intense PA that lasted several months. The sense of betrayal is overwhelming. I too was a snooper. I’m “reformed” now – you’re right – WAAAAAYYYY more good than bad comes from it. Interestingly, now looking back, a PA is all it really seemed to be which in some ways hurt that much more. She used me as her “emotional” blanket – many days it felt like she was keeping me just close enough….

The DAY after she asked me to move home and that we would give it another shot, the OM called several times. And I know she talked to him for a couple weeks after, seemingly trying to keep “both things going”. She has yet to fully “apologize”, but in the end, I don’t need that validation. I’m validated in smaller ways, every day – mostly because I STOPPED seeking it. When I started living my life for me (a DB/DR tenet), WAW started to notice, other’s noticed, and I regained control. It was a “wake-up” call for both of us on what is important in life.

Sooooo, it ain’t easy and like one other poster said, piecing is where the real work begins. But I will tell you now that I am here, I don’t regret it. In fact, I have found that working toward our happiness together has and will be extremely rewarding. BUT, it takes a FUTURE FOCUS. Forward looking goals and a sense that looking back only brings hurt. This needs to become your frame. We say ILY again when ending conversations or when leaving the house. We’re physical and fun loving. We have a long way to go, but we would seem to be on the right path. Patience and time will heal the wounds.

Lastly, some “martian” advice. And if you haven’t read Mars/Venus, I suggest that you do. After I read that, I found what it says about us guys to be completely true. When nagged, criticized, or spoken down to, we shut down. We go off to our cave and I don’t think that is good for your situation. Men seek significance. Nagging can make some of us feel unimportant or that we are wrong. Take time to listen and understand. It’s tough stuff, no doubt, but it will yield results, but you have to let it.

Hope that helps in some way….

Sven

[cat03]

I’m validated in smaller ways, every day – I STOPPED seeking it. When I started living my life for me

Hey Sven, thanks for your post, it helps me to refrain myself from going haywire on my H if and when I bring up any issues, you are right, he shuts down with "i dont' remember" and no amount of prying will make him say anything else.

I have to live life for me, I guess i loose sight of that since I barely get any validation from my H. He has a one-track mind (adhd) and his #1 priority is work. Since his MLC was brought upon full bloom after his other job turned him down on several promotions, he is working hard at the training 4 his new job, so he doesnt; have much time for me, and I have to understand that and find ways to make myself happy.

I will drop the accusatory tone I was planning on using on H tonight, it's another cheeseless tunel that never gets me anywhere.