All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[cat03]

I'm just recuperating, I was a basket case and no internet yesterday.
The jist of it is that after I found out about the flowers I went to his locked room (where we agree I wouldnt' go anymore) and found a huge box full of pictures and letters, it was too much, after a few I read (all written from H to OP) I found out that H had lied to me after he came back, he admitted he did it not to cause me grief & because he'd thought I'd leave him:
1.His affair lasted months, not a few weeks
2. He did have feelings for her
3. They were intimate pretty much right after he left our home
4. He stayed the night for a long time
5. When he took me on 2 dates he also took her out on much expensive places, took her to the very same place we went on V-day, showed her off to all.
6. Spent hundres more than I ever though on concerts, outings, etc.
7. Had spent time w/her helping her out at home w/her animals

I dragged the evidence to my bedroom (yes yes, Idid WRONG, I should've walk away, I should've call someone, I was weak and couldn't help but look inside, he said he kept stuff because he still had to get around to get rid of it and because if ever he wanted to do anything stupid he'd have those reminders)

I called him furious, he came home, before I could push the note in which they said they were intimate on his face he quickly started gatherign everything while I yelled, I slapped him w/both hands, I was gone.

Long story short, I kept trying to tied loose ends, to ask more questions. He said a few things but kept telling me he wasn't going to tell me anymore and that he hasn't contacted her at all, that she hates him and that it was an on and off R (btw, she was a sick person in the head, on his letters he mentioned how she needed medication or she'd ge "grumpy")
And I can recall how sometimes he'd spend time w/us & when he was distant (the on and off part, she did tell him to give her space several times, that she didnt' want the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" between them, ever, he'd always signed "your friend" after all his letters)

Yes, i guess he needed time to get her out of his head, found a 1pg journal where there were postings after he came home about how selfish she was being, (2wks after he was home)like a dummy, I still wish I would've checked the dates more carefully to see how he was feeling on those first weeks w/me)

Boy, I have given advice to so many people about getting over OP and to not snoop, and look at me now! I was much better believing it was an EA of a few weeks than this.

Anyways, I'm seeing the C tomorrow and he will see him too soon, he said he was afraid I'd try to get more info out of him and that he'd feel like he was in the inquisition if we went together.

I'm taking my friend's advice and reciting a memory verse whenever i think of the details and about them two together, I know he had sh*t on his brains when he was w/her and when he did all that stuff. When he was dating me he was always happy, he fell head over heels for me, he seeked me out not out of desperation but because he choose me and loved me, and that he was my first and I was his first too, I'm trying to recall about all great stuff we had together.

He still tells me he has issues & that's why he isn't affectionate w/me & doesn't do much on weekends (he took her to great places and planed whole menues & great things for her, he never does a thing w/us)

Back to square one, I also told him that I wasn't going to initiate sx anymore, that if he really didnt' feel any affection for me I didnt' want pity sex, & that he should initiate when he feels it from his heart, he said "oh yea, that's really going to help".
I don't know how long this will last, but I wont greet him w/ a hug like I used to, I won't kiss him goodnight unless he does, maybe I'm doing wrong, I don't know, maybe I just need to cool down.

*SIGH* Thank you Lord for giving me peace, it's riled me up to recall all this, but for the most part I feel ok. That night before he left we did talk quietly, I cried,he hugged me, told me how he still has much anger about himself in him and how he is struggling to be that good person he was before.

[JAG_06]

Oh cat ... I feel so badly for you right now. I know you're hurting and you don't deserve it - nobody deserves to feel as hurt as you do right now.

I'm just leaving to go pick up my In-Laws at the airport so I don't have time to write more ... but I will check back in with you later once I've had some time to digest everything you've written.

Hang in there.

[cat03]

thanks Jag, it's amazing how one thinks things are going along nicely, then Kablamo!!

[HappierAndHealthier]

Oh Cat

My Dear, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please keep your head and heart with God.

Try to let go of the past. His anger with him is his issue. Let him do as he wishes. Honey, you know this, don't snoop, you'll only hurt yourself.

PA sucks, I know. for me atleast I've know for a year, then again in my stich PA has been on going for this entire past year. So much for the stat on 6 months.

Cat, I'll say extra prayers for you.

[believing_isaiah43]

Just stopping by your curb to hold your hand and sit with you, honey. Brought some beer and a pack of cigarettes so we can get all redneck while we sit here...

Oh, honey. I don't even know what to say to you. I certainly won't lecture about the snooping b/c what's done is done. But don't look at any more of it, Cat. Just don't. I KNOW how hard that is to put feet to. I know how hard it is not to chew on that bone, and just gnaw on the things you already saw/read. I KNOW. Just sittin' here with you on the curb sipping my beer, b/c I am no pro at doing the right thing, but I can hang out here and hurt with you like nobody's business.

Grieve what you need to grieve. Absolutely. But don't throw it in his face in a fit of emotional insanity. Put it elsewhere. Post here. Write in a journal. Talk to your C. PROCESS it first. Don't R talk. Don't A talk. Just sit still and work thru your emotions and get a game plan. Get centered. Get your head together. As much as you can, anyway, when your feet have been amputated out from under you. I know.

Breathe in and out, Cat. It's all I know to do some days, honey. You WILL survive this. This will not consume you and you will be able to breathe without that elephant foot on your chest. I don't know when, but you will.

Here is my favorite new verse from the Message bible (LOVE that translation):

So here's what I think: The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale. Your heart's been in the right place all along. You've got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it. Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can't. The heart regulates the hands. 2 Corinthians 8:10

Chew on that a while, as we sit here on the curb my friend. Hold on.

[cat03]

thanks gals wish I would've read this yesterday. Another blowout yesterday on the phone, because a. Iwasn't sure I believed him when he said he got himself tested for STD and b. I wanted to make a timeline (yes, I'm stupid) of how long they were intimate-- I pushed to know when he went to get tested.

Long story short it was horrible, he got defensive, didnt' think his med history was any of my business (turns out he went to dr for something else not sexual related, somethign he is ashamed of & didnt' want me 2 know about).
I see now why he refused to give me a date so I could check, but I pushed & pushed, things were said, he told me how my bringing this stuff up didnt' make it possible 4 him to find his feelings for me.
In the end he said that if I wanted he'd get tested again Monday to show me he really has nothing. I'm still breaking my head as of why he just can't prove to me he went to a clinic if he knows 100% he has nothing. Could there be any other reasons? I don't know, I don't know anymore.
Thank heaven I'm seing C tonight. I did texted H afte our phone convo and appologized for pushing so much and for hurting him w/my proding.
Guess he still was getting over OP when he was back & that's why he sent her flowers, just wished he'd say so instead of lying and telling me he had no idea where the charge came from (the cc charge for flowers)

Let's make it back to square -10, I don't even feel like reaching out to him anymore, to be affectionate, hope that changes soon.

H&H, Ididn't want to prod, I couldnt' find all your posts but did learned about OP on your case, I'm sorry honey, thanks for supporting me, it means a lot to me)))))))))

BI, that verse is right on for me, I'm loosing sight of what I really want in my life. He told me he can't console me because he himself is still lost, so that's why my grief is evern greater. I'll come to whine here and will work hard at doing my damnest to be a forgiving wife at home.

[imLIN]

Oh boy, Cat....first off let me tell you how sorry I am that you discovered all that "stuff"....also let me tell you that I totally understand your feelings...the betrayal is devistating to say the least....but I can tell you it is not the end...

First let me just comment on the flowers....could be many reasons....maybe SHE has the number and sent them to herself just to cause problems???....maybe he was feeling guilty about involving her in this mess he made and so he sent her flowers feeling that he didn't go see her in person or talk to her so it would be ok???....but in the end, it doesn't matter because you found out he had lied to you...

The bigger issue...EA that really was PA...I won't go on and on with this but I am not suprised...no man wants to admit to an affair....they know it is going to open up so much and they can't handle anything....he didn't lie to you in his mind....he lied for you....

Listen to me....you need to relax....you need to stop casting blame....you need to realize that he is back with you and it is going to take time...my H has been back for 6 mos. and still can't say "I love you"....but he is here and we are getting better....it is hard to see as it goes along...it is when I look back that I see how far we have come....

Get control of your emotions....if you can't control them then take a personal time out....let him know why....tell him you feel out of control and don't want to make things worse...he will respect you for this...

Also...hug him, kiss him, I will leave the sexual thing to you because I understand the "pity sex" feeling...but don't take away you affection....that is what heals...that is the glue to the relationship....and it isn't just for him...it will help you too...

I also had to wait for my H to do the STD thing...I just got him to the doctor this month!....so far things are good just a few more tests...

Let you husband keep his dignity...no more quizing...it will only make you feel bad....him feel bad for making you feel bad...and in the end you both have gained nothing for it....what's done is done...you can't change the past but you can change the future...look to the future....the only time I look back now is to see how far I have come....how far we have come..

You will be fine...today is a new day....embrace it...enjoy it....live it....

And honey...I got the debt thing all over on you...you think 10K is bad....how about 120K!....and 16K of it is on me!!!...even after bankruptcy on his part he will owe the IRS about 30K!!! So count your blessings

Lin

[cat03]

ImLin, thanks so much, he did say he thought I'd leave if he mentioned the PA. (the flowers were sent for her b-day).

I guess looking back at last yr right after he left, yes, we've made huge progress.
I hope I can find it in my heart to hold his hand again, to initiate sx, I do love him and what we had was great, too bad he can't think that far back, he can't remember how it used to be when we were happy.

That's some debt Im, wow, hopefully we can all get rid of it in a reasonable amount of time.

Thanks so much for coming to my rescue, I do love him and want us to work. It is getting better, sort of, I'm glad he agreed to see the C tomorrow on his own, maybe next time we'll meet together at MC.

[superstressed]

Cat,

It's amazing how one thinks things are going along nicely, then Kablamo!!

I know just how you feel. There's nothing else to say other than this just sucks. I thought I was over my H's A, but I guess that was because I thought the ow was out of the picture. Apparently I was wrong.

It doesn't take away the hurt, but if our WAHs wanted to be gone, they could easily be gone. Ten minutes ago I was posting how angry I am at my H for continuing to contact the ow. Now, as I type your post, I've already calmed down a bit. I think this is the cycle of things. Over time things start to hurt less and less and we realize that our Hs are not perfect; do love us; are very sorry; and are just stumbling along the best way they know how.

SuperStressed

[cat03]

Hey ST, guess we just need some time huh? we need to go shopping LoL, amazing how a few hrs at the mall improved my mood
I didnt' think my H would like to come this weekend from the academy after that mess, but he actually called me at work!
Hope you have a great weekend