All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[cat03]

thanks gals)))))))))) reading your replies help me to see that the sooner I bury the past the sooner my H and I can heal.

We had more talks this weekend, it evolved into a mess again, I didnt' mean to. Regardless, he just tol dme "ask me whatever you want and never again bring this up" I just asked 2 or 3 things, I mainly had to know about the flowers, he said he was being stupid, that he still called her to know why she was mad at him, but that she wouldnt' pick up his calls.
All in all I asked about stuff before he left, then he said had I not found him out things woulve' been smoother...it sicken me and started to think how it all went, how he run to a L when his friend told him I would screw him up.
It' s gotten me all riled up again, but I'm just figuring out he was in MLC, things most likely would've gone that way anyways, he'd still taken his money, still done the stupid stuff he did. I have to remember that "ifs" dont' matter any more, it happened, it's gone, and that thinking about it won't change history.

OK, so this time I mean it folks, no more talk of the OW, the past, what he did what he didn't do. I'm through, I won't have that constarntly on my head anymore and will figh whatever slimy thought comes to me.

[BeingMe]

Cat, I know how you feel. Just an observation about burying the past - I think one should deal with the past, rather than bury it. These things always become unearthed at inconvenient times, if not emotionally and psychologically dealt with. You don't have to speak to your H about the OW, but in your head, you have to come to terms with the A, whether it was physical or just emotional. I think I am finally getting to that point, but it's been a 2 year battle for me.

I think what helped the most for me (and I think one of the posters spoke about this on your thread), is to find something to keep my mind occupied - i.e. I started studying again. But, there are other ways too.

Thinking of ya, and thanks for coming to my thread. Much appreciated!

[cat03]

sure hon. Yes, I have come to terms with it, because the A and details would pop into my head at any times I had to come to terms with it and tell my brain "this happened while he had his life away from me" "his A was not out of love for her but out of desperation, frustration, emptiness" and such truths that my good friends here posted. If a thought comes up now and then I can fight it with the truth.

I do have to find something I really like, it is a bit hard now that H is away at the academy and all chores fall on me, trying to spend quality time w/kids after work with the little time I got also leaves very little time for me, I always end up going to bed at midnight.

Thanks for checking up on me things are looking up.

[yoyogirl]

"ask me whatever you want and never again bring this up"

Actually, we had a bust-up on Saturday too.. My H used exactly the words your H used... He he he..

Have to constantly tell ourselves.. LET GO LET GO LET GO...

Later sista!

p/s Think both of us are struggling with the same issues and emotions...

[jeanb]

"OK, so this time I mean it folks, no more talk of the OW, the past, what he did what he didn't do. I'm through, I won't have that constarntly on my head anymore and will figh whatever slimy thought comes to me. "


hi cat03
appreciated your posts to me and caught some of yours too.
your words above struck me very much
am also sorry you also have this OW from the past messing up your head at times.

It seems to me when H and I were apart and H was with OW, I wasn't at all sure about reconnecting our M, but more so about winning over him from the OW. That's why I am trying to keep this OW still from getting back in my brain and controling mine. In my sitch, I can forget this OW so well on many days and then this vulture seems to pop back in and mess with me again----how dare she!!!!! feel the same?

I remind myself daily of how far I've come and know you have too. I use the good times to push this OW out of my brain, but at the same time remind myself that things may not be as they say, and being realisticly watchful is helping me to stay stronger for myself.

Remind me too, and I will check on you & how you are keeping this OW from getting in your brain!!!

hugs:)))))))))))
jeanb

[yoyogirl]

Cat03/ jeanb - Think eventually time will be able to lessen the impact of ow on our minds and emotions. We have to learn to minimize the significance of ow in our lives, and in time she will diminish and disappear altogether.

I was surprised with myself this morning... When I saw some of ow's stuff, rather than feeling sad and depressed, I was actually thinking how I could make use the items. Being practical helps, I guessed.

[cat03]

Hey girls, nice to hear from you

I was just thinking about what I learned about depression and negative thoughts, that the brain makes a path, a thought path, and that's waht psychotherapy is all about, teaching the brain to go through POSITIVE paths when a negative thought comes through.
So when, not if (I agree Jean, all of a sudden I'd remember details about OP) those negative thoughts assault my brain I lead it through a different path now, such us "yea, that happened when our lives were separated and he gave in to temptation to fill his void, his depression" or I imagen those events on a dark far away tunnel when my H was not the person I married, the person I married would've never ever done such a thing.

I remember when he fell in love w/me, how happy, how optimistic about the future he was, how it brought up the best of himself, not the stupid crap he did w/ow that still haunts him deep inside and shames him.

Glad you are doing better yoyogirl, about op's stuff.

[cat03]

Just had to post this article that's so on the point for us:

When a divorce occurs, it is because the infidel can not escape the affair in time or cannot face going back into a marriage in which he or she is now known and understood and can no longer pose as the chaste virgin or white knight spotless and beyond criticism. A recent New Yorker cartoon showed a forlorn man at a bar compaining: "My wife understands me."

Appropriate guilt is always helpful, though it must come from inside rather than from a raging, nasty spouse; anger is a lousy seduction technique for anyone except terminal weirdos. Guilt is good for you. Shame, however, makes people run away, and hide.

The prognosis after an affair is not grim, and those who have strayed have not lost all their value. The sadder but wiser infidel may be both more careful and more grateful

and


Men in Love

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing. Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.

---------

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born - any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads - at least for a while.

Beyond betrayal...life after infidelity

[always_14]

OMG....this is so true...almost every word rang true for me. Except my H has cycled through about 4 OW (2EA and 2PA) and possibly more EA's this year. He says that his current OW "does not make him happy and is nothing serious, like a drug fix." He is pretty much admitting that she is a pain reliever.

With OW #3, he did say "I was crazy about her, I am happy with her, we laugh and talk, unlike what you and I have now." OW #3 was TOTALLY the opposite of what anything H would have found remotely attractive earlier (and I'm not just saying this to make myself feel better)...later, after OW #3 veneer faded, he admitted that he got carried away, it could have been anyone, he was running away from me and M, rebelling against it. WOW. He admitted that he did not have "a connection" with her, and wasn't looking for his soul mate or something serious, just the feeling of being good in someone's eyes, being useful to someone.

Funny, the OW's he's been with all have had kids, and we do not. Yet, he seems to want to spend time with them WITHOUT their kids, no effort to get to know them on a more personal and serious level. This almost makes me feel that the MLCer likes to keep the "fantasy" veneer and level of the R there....not delving into something serious (like "let's dream of life together, let's introduce to families, let's make serious life plans together)....it's a quick fix, and nothing that they want to enter into remote REALITY.

For H...he sees OW #4 a few times a week, undercover, with lavish trips out of town (b/c in town they are seen)....and I think they spend other time together too (I have no idea)....that's it. She does not live with him, cook for him, clean for him, pay attention to the upkeep of his life, which is what he used to have issues with me about...his main complaint was that I did not care for him as I should have as a W. But, he chooses women that do none of that, and only take from him....that he takes care of and they worship him, need him. Then I get accused of being "needy" So, in essence, I am being held to the standard of a WIFE and they are being held to the standard of a fantasy GF. H admitted that he wasn't looking to substitute me, or find another W....just wanted an escape, feel good, quick fix of happiness...keep running to it and running away from me. He said he wasn't running TO anyone in particular, just AWAY from me...and to ANYONE (it's pretty apparent he's not into quality control with OWomen). So, I guess I would rather be painful reality than a fantasy escape anyday.

I think this is an important thing for all of us to realize....it's another twist on the fantasy. H even admitted that he PROJECTED (yes, he used that word) onto OW what he wanted at that time.....and that it wasn't her fault that the veneer wore off, just that she wasn't what he made her out to be in his mind. Not the type of person he wanted in his life (his words).

Funny how they "wake up" and see things clearly.

Cat...you are SO good to remember the HEALTHY nature of your falling in love as compared to the unhealthy, unstable "falling in love" that H had with OW. He sees that now. I know it's hard, but vent here, we understand. It hurts. It's OK to let it hurt. Think of it this way, life took you on different paths for a while, you each lived your lives...you needed that, it's the ultimate act of love, of LIVING, to release attachment to things and people and let them grow. Ultimately you are BOTH going to be healthier.

I know the details haunt you....but keep DBing....try to go ONE WEEK with just positive moments with you and H. No R talk. Just happy moments of a new life together. I promise, if you do that, H will TRUST YOU again....that you won't crucify him, that he is SAFE. Remember how we did that in the beginning of DB. Well, keep doing it. Eventually, you will both cool off and actually have productive talks about the A....he will open up to you about the how/why....and you will be able to understand it.

[runningoutoftime]

Don't be too hard on yourself, it can be really difficult to work through all the feelings one has towards the OP. I remember the first time I went through this about 10 years ago and it was a complete nightmare (wish I would have DBed and had a great support network like this!). Fortunately this time has been much easier.

But regardless, it still takes time and emotions can be intense. Have you read the book "Not 'Only Friends'"? I've found it extremely helpful. It's really helped give me a healther perspective on the whole affair thing.