I just found your thread, WOW…. I feel for you. I told you I wished I had something profound to say to you, well from my own personal experience, even though it is by no means the same as yours, I found my self in the same state of mind, one thing that helped , and mind you I am not a very religious person I wake up each day and ask that I am just pointed in the right direction. So far it seems to be working.
Try and keep your spirits up. For someone who has kind and uplifting things to state I am sure you’ll do fine, even though things right now seem hopeless you have convinced me that getting things off your chest makes you feel better.
I hope you and yours find a way to work things out. I am not sure how I would react in the same situation, but I am a big trust person. I t seems to me that trust needs to be rebuilt. My aunt had a WAH and she told me that if you lose trust and respect it is very hard to gain them back.
Thanks Mike, I'm still in a rollercoaster of emotions, this AM despite putting on "Alien Resurrection" at 5:30am to distract my mind from going crazy I still went nuts and got myself all worked up. Enough that I still wondered how long/often they messed around. I was so sick... then found old budget he'd made, w/a schedule of where he'd spend the night. As he told me, there were weeks where he slept on his car, on the shed behind the house (without me knowing) on a tent! at his mom's house. I see the expenses he had, he was attempting to make a budget, it was way over his head, he knew he had all this expenses yet he continued to play casanova. Apparently he was OP's bus boy, she got a new place and he was doing some electrical connections (no, he doesnt' really know how) and getting stuff for her, renting stuff her, picking up stuff for her, ALL sorts of things, in an attempt to get her love. Did I mention she never wanted to label each other as boy/girl friend? she didnt' want an R w/him yet he did all this work for her, his note said he wanted her love and respect. Yet, when he messed up he'd be appologyzing and feeling awful, writing how he kept letting him down and how she'd get on him. I guess he kept trying to please her to prove to himself that he could be the superman to a woman, then eventually she got tired of his issues and mistakes and told him to take a hike. That's when the light lite on his brain and realized I was not all to blame for our marital problems. Granted, I too could be a witch and get on him, but i see how much he is eager to please and it destroys him when he is critized, I am taking HUGE notice of that.
I feel much better now, I went from -7 to +10 this am, I will get some sort of kava coffee or some relaxant to quiet down my brain, my brain and heart are still working overtime.
I never got to talk to him about the flowers, he was busy on a report and we talked for a few seconds. I am MUCH calmer now, and that question can wait. I have a cheat sheet from other posts and posts from you wonderful people which I read and re-read when I'm feeling low (read it 3x this am)
I found an old love letter from H to me, it felt so good reading it even though it is 9yrs old, the end specially gets to me, he says something like "if it is meant to be I know we can make it, God has a special purpose for me and you, may God be with us no matter what happens."
* Was he screwing around and liking it? yes, trying to fill a void * Did he think she was the most beautiful wonderful being on heart? yes, he idolized her once he open up to her and she conforted him, he made himself love every thing about this new "savior" so that she was without a fault. * Did he or still has a hard time letting go? probably, he invested on her big time emotionally that he convinced himself they could have something special. * Had she responded and corroborated would he be with me now? not likely, but eventually, once the lust and novelty wore off he'd realize what he'd done.
He made each time with her sound like it was heaven , the best of the best because that's all he had at the time, he still had a sucky job, there were weeks when he couldnt' sleep, when depression and anxiety would tear him up (that's when he used me as his emotional blanket and come to me for confort) so he put all his eggs in one basket.
I have to make my brain stop going through the details, all in all, my dear HH reminds me, leaving me was the biggest blow and I survived, I can survive this. Even as I thought at the time he had sx with someone I wanted him back. I can forgive and can forget, but have to work hard at showing him I feel this way, that because I love him I will forgive and overlook the little faults that I used to pick on so much.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I don’t know how you do it. I would have lost my mind and never found it if I was in your shoes. Maybe try and make a list of the things you want to improve upon or accomplish. This might help you organize your thoughts. Try and set goals, small ones not big ones. I found myself always trying to do big things trying to make a difference. I started doing smaller things but still had my heart behind them, I still did big things but not as often. Try not to dwell on the past too much, easier said than done, always keep it in mind but not the only thing on your mind. Start looking towards the future.
In the immortal works of Rik Emmett “The days seem shorter and the night are getting long, feels like were running out of time, every day it seems much harder telling right from wrong you have to read between the lines.”
Mike, I have lost my mind these past days, I have had mini anxiety attacks, one day is great the other one sucks, today is a much better day, I'm trying to digest all the info in a way that when I recall it again it doesn't sicken me anymore.
Thanks for your words, I guess it's the little things that also make one feel special. On a sane (I guess) instant I had yesterday, when I wasn't dwelling on the past, I texted my H a bit of the lyrics of this song (the blue text) , it's so sweet and pretty much what I feel:
Nickelback "Far Away" This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there's just one left 'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS] [ That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance 'Cause with you, I'd withstand All of hell to hold your hand I'd give it all I'd give for us Give anything but I won't give up 'Cause you know, you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away Been far away for far too long So far away Been far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know
I wanted I wanted you to stay 'Cause I needed I need to hear you say That I love you I have loved you all along And I forgive you For being away for far too long So keep breathing 'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore Believe it Hold on to me and, never let me go Keep breathing 'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore Believe it Hold on to me and, never let me go Keep breathing Hold on to me and, never let me go Keep breathing Hold on to me and, never let me go
Could've but didn't bring up the flower thing last night over the phone, it's something that happened when he came back, I'll ask him tonight if he is ready to talk about it, I won't push not accuse. I wish I could just drop the matter, but my anxiety still won't let me be and I want to leave anything about OP behind me forever,and this is the last thorn in my side that I want to talk about with H.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this horrible roller coaster ride lately. I wish I had some great advice to give you but all I can say is that somehow you're going to have to break yourself out of the cycle of obsessing over the details of your H and the ow.
I would suggest a project that requires physical and mental exertion. That is why I am repainting my bathroom--not that it's that challenging mentally or physically but it is helping to distract me a bit.
BINGO!! thanks SS, what do they say? an idle mind is the devil's workshop? I have so many projects I want to work on, my home, my crafts, and there I am, pouting and letting my mind drive me nuts! I do need to occupy my mind on something else. I do have tons of scrapbooking to do. I had stop because I wans't sure if I wanted to include H's photos ..you know, just in case. But I can pick that up again or fix this place, so much to do. Tonight I'm doing better, i never thought I cound begin to do it, but i"m literally pushing the dumb thoughts to the back burner, and after a while if they come back the are old news and I blurr them and push them back even farther. We're going camping, if only for one night. The OP would get on him for stuff he did wrong/forgot, I was about to do the same with my little plans to ask him for stuff he took for his A's purposes (pict frames, vases)in a way to jab him... but I wont sink that low, it'd be like reminding him how much he screwed up and will put me rigth on the same shelf as that sorry excuse for a woman.
It's getting better, slooooooooooooooooowly but surely, GOd is stronger than anything else in this world, i'll fall but He'll get me up, each time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat Let go, remember, no sin scale. The past is the past and if you hold on and do not forgive and let go, you are tormenting yourself. and you are preventing your relationship from healing.
In no ways do I consider myself brilliant or even lucky enough to have a periodic epiphany. But I posted something to AmyC in Seperated about the Lord testing us so that we learn lessons. I think that your lesson is letting go of the past.
Keep praying for help in that regard, you will get there.
Hi hon, doing much better, still have the occasional anxiety pangs. Have dropped many if not all of the petty things I was going to bring up. The only reason I'll ask about the flowers was because it happened when he came back and appologized.
I'm afraid I still fail some of those tests, still looked for stuff 2x, but I now look at it differently.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hiya Cat03 - Sorry to hear about your roller-coaster. I know how that feels...just when you think that you've come into terms with something H does, you discover something new that blow my mind away. Time will definitely lessen the impact...
that our Hs are not perfect; do love us; are very sorry; and are just stumbling along the best way they know how. Think SuperStressed posted the above. I think it is a very very valid point. They are doing their best that they know how. The reason why we are jumping is because we all are individuals, and would do things differently, and would think that he should do it OUR way.. because it is the RIGHT way??!!! (in our eyes, that is...)
if you don't let go, you will destroy everything that you want so bad.
he wants to be with YOU - not the ow
Tell yourself "I'm happy today" and be happy throughout the day Above posted by Gwyn which I think is very very good!! I am going to be happy today...and be happy for the rest of the day. My H is stumbling along to make amends... and I need to open my eyes to see it!! (Sorry Cat03 for hijacking!!) Just ten minutes ago, H came by when he saw that I was surfing... to check on the long holiday so that we could go away together...
Hey Cat. Just read through your thread. Just try to remember one thing... IF you want to know ehat your Husband is thinking you have to work on how you react to things. IF he is afraid you will lose it he will clam up. Sometimes it is too difficult to hear the details of the gruesome events. Each time I snooped I lost more and more respect for my Husband and was left with even more questions and doubts. You have to try and find it in you to forgive daily in your heart. He is home with you now!!! She is a nothing, not even worth thinking about. Let God take care of the harlots, you take care of you!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
because it is the RIGHT way??!!! (in our eyes, that is...)