All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[cat03]

Well, only one blowup this weekend, and I see where I did wrong, took it too far, in the end we did make up, need to stop bring up the fact that his feelings aren't the same as before.

Reading part of "after the affair" made me feel better about how the LBS think that the sex w/OP was far better/wilder/amazing than w/us, said how it can be ackward and infrequent, how the WAS feels the pressure to perform and that eventually the R looses its edge.

I read that at the book store, H asked me waht I was reading late at night, told him about it, hoping he'd at least say something positive about his SL w/me... he said nothing. That irk me a bit, and sort of brought it up last night over the phone, how the LBS think they can't measure up to what might' ve been amazing sex with the OP, and he said "so what if it was, why do you have to start thinking of the past" and I asked him "can't you even give me any reasurance on that account?" and he just groaned and say he just can't talk about such things, why do I have to be so graphic. He never openly talks about sex, I bring it up, looking back, he never was one to talk about it as much as he enjoyed it, was always too shy.

So maybe I'm forcing an issue I shouldn't. I won't bring it up anymore unless he does. Ok, so she was taller and chubbier than me, maybe he did things he can't do w/me, nothing much I can do I guess. I keep forgetting he still isnt' ready to give me any reasurances of ANY kind yet, *SIGH* just wished he would've say something positive about our SL.

THen again, Im whining, putting my nose on 3inches of water and drowning. Must think of the good parts of our R and work hard at remembering what' I've learned on C. Over all, the poison of the A is pretty much out of my body, I feel like I'm in this protective case, and I see the A slime around me, but it isnt' touching me anymore.

Thank God for giving me this detachment. I'll get the book "after the affair" anyways, just so I don't fret about anything else.

I'm good when he is around, after he left for the academy again I felt like a child whose mother left him alone at the mall, what a crybaby! thank heavens for work, it distracts me good.

[believing_isaiah43]

Hello, friend! Just had a minute to find your thread and say hello. Life is so difficult with the superficial veneer peeled away. Keep hanging on, you are doing okay in a tough time! Hope to post updates to my own thread soon. Taking longer than I'd like to have the time to do so. (yawn!) Working too much, and H's unemployment has run out and we are getting very tight and he's uber-tense of late. No good for the R, that. Anyway, I'll save all this crap for my own thread, just wanted to check in on you

[cat03]

hey toots, thanks for coming over to my hissy fit of a thread

You poor thing, I know your schedule is a killer, I can see how your H's job sitch could make him tense, you know, that could be a HUGE reason why sometimes he is not in tune w/you, a man's job defines him and him without a job prob makes him feel awful.
It's been mighty tight on my end too, so bad that we had to charge to our cc when buying gas, oy!

Better things will come along though!

[runningoutoftime]

he just groaned and say he just can't talk about such things, why do I have to be so graphic. He never openly talks about sex, I bring it up, looking back, he never was one to talk about it as much as he enjoyed it, was always too shy.

It's kind of funny how we all worry about the same things. My guess here is if your husband is generally shy about sex, talking about it, etc... he was probably just as shy (if not more so) about it with her.

One way I've learned to deal with this whole thing is to take it as a challenge. I may not know how great, or not so great, things might have been with OW, but I'm going to try to make them better in my own marriage. Go to the book store and look through books in the sex section ( they are usually near the relationship books!), go to Victoria's Secret and get some amazing lingerie and suprise your husband with it.

I once went to my husband's apartment with a raincoat on, thigh high boots (all us wives should get a pair of these!!! I call them the slut boots!) and super sexy lingerie underneath. Thank goodness I didn't get into an accident or get stopped by a police officer. Yikes!!!!

Anyhow, the way I see it no OW is going to outdo me with my own husband. So rather then worry about it I'm going to be better and eventually wipe out any memories of her. I think all of us here should be doing this with our husbands.

And yet, it's still really painful. At one point he did choose OW over me. That really hurts. I have "triggers" too. My husband once stayed overnight at Disneyland with her. So every time I see Mickey Mouse or think about the friggin "Happiest Place on Earth" I imagine them together there. That's really maddening.

[cat03]

I've been there the sex section, might buy a book too, prob online, I'm too shy to buy it outfront :lol

I do have nice long boots, I like that idea I could use new lingerie, since I've lost almost 20 lbs lots of my old stuff don't fit as well as they used to.
You are right, those harlots won't out do us!!!!

[runningoutoftime]

LOL! Now that's the attitude!!!!! I LOVE IT!

Wife power!

[cat03]

the "how was ML w/her "monkey is trying to get on my back again, grrrrrrrrr

wish I could have my H home during the week, it's soooo hard to work on us when is away 5 our of 7 days at the job training site. *SIGH*

OK, overall, I think we are doing alright, had a mini argument about why he had a cell phone wellllllllll before he left me and kept it hidden. It was about April when he got it (he left on Sept) and it seemed to me he was still ok with me, ML and was sweet and all. I brought it up and he refused to answer, I told him I wouldnt' have had a prob if he wanted one, why did he have to hide it.

Long story short, he says there is stuff he did that I wouldnt' like to know and that he isnt' talking, that it is better to be left alone. GRRRRRRRR, it boils me because whenever he wanted to know about something about me, ANY thing, he would hound me and ask me until I told him.
Now he's like "that is private, my stuff". Talk about double standard.

So I have learned through this trial that we each are responsible for our happiness and that we are all individuals, I also believe that when you marry you belong to your S and he/she to you, so, where do you draw the line of privacy? shouldn't I be entitled to know things, shouldnt he tell me what was going on back then?

I did agree to not talk about anything A related nor about the time he was away, but the cell phone was purchased months before he left. He said "it wans't all about you you know? I was going donwhill slowly" so I guess his MLC started at the beginning of the year.

Anywaysssssssssss, there is my rant for the day, I'm getting the book "battlefield of the mind" to help me out, will try to read it w/him, guess I need some more tinkering on this crazy brain of mine

[toughlover]

I also believe that when you marry you belong to your S and he/she to you, so, where do you draw the line of privacy? shouldn't I be entitled to know things, shouldnt he tell me what was going on back then?

Hey cat. I believe that is true for committed Christian marriage...that's clearly biblical, and I think there's no acceptable alternative. If one or both aren't basing their marriage on Biblical principles, then I guess that's up to the people involved.

My wife will come clean on objective details. So if I ask her...when did OM divorce his wife? where did you meet? did you do it in our home? etc., she will tell me. After a while, I got an accurate enough picture of what was going on, when, and where, that I was satisfied. Disgusted, but satisfied.

I made her tell me about all the beds and sofas in our home they did it on so I could replace them. Yeah, it's a little extreme, but, again, also disgusting. I mean, me and my kids sit on those couches! Talk about conjuring up bad memories.

There's other stuff that I asked (mostly when the bomb was dropped, and a couple days thereafter) that she resisted. I kind of pick and choose my battles, but she answers most of my questions, although there are some things she wouldn't talk about, I though my questions were a little unnecessary and over the top at times, so I understood.

[cat03]

Disgusted, but satisfied.

that one made me smile, guess that's what I'm after, some satisfaction. His line was "I'm actually NOT lying, I rather not say because you wouldn't like it, I could easy get away with a lie you know?"
He has major issues w/lying, so I was upset but what can I do? couldnt' push anymore...

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Cat,

Here's something I hope will help a little. I'm pulling it out from the "Not Just Friends" book.

Obsessive thinking isn't a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. Until you grapple with shattered assumptions and construct a story about the affair that makes sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing. In other words, obsessive thoughts may intrude throughout the process of recovery until healing is complete.

The author's suggestions on dealing with this is to write down your thoughts. Keep a journal. Write letters to your partner or the affair partner (that you don't send! Throw them in a fireplace or shred them afterwards).

For thought control she recommends scheduling "worry times." Designate a specific time and over time decrease it. Change the channel by imagining a remove in your head and switching to another channel. Practice thought-stopping. Shut your eyes and subvocally say "stop" to bothersome thoughts and images. Imagine a red stop sign and think the words "stop."

I know a lot of this is easier said than done. I also think it takes a lot of time.