All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[cat03]

yes, I do want to construct a story about how it came to be and how it ended. My H just thinks it is torturing me and him but it is a way of healing.

I've more of less deduced he didnt' leave me for her. He moved out, thought he was going to divorce, she was part of a group he hanged out with. She prob said the right things to console him, he was lonely, depressed, MLC and here was this "wonderful" understand person to hear him out Bingo! he fell for her. Lucky me she was a heartless whore who just used him to get stuff done (moving, errands, care of pets) and when she was done she dumped him.

I'm pretty much over obsessing, but I like the idea of practicing thought stopping, I never thought it could be done, but now that I see it is a good technique I'll work on it more, I had very little thought control up to now.

Thanks again! I do like that book. I'll share what I learn when I get my book too.

[cat03]

was just at Borders, fingering "after the affair". The book is great, wish I could get it, lots about healing. I prob wont' though, a great deal of the book talks about how the partner can help heal the affected spouse.

My H already told me he won't talk about it at all, after some forced confessions I agreed I would never talk about it already, seing him in shambles and still questioning who he was. He told me to get healing from somewhere else, that he can't console me nor is able to give much at this time.
So I guess lots of stuff there can't apply to me. Regarless, there was great info on other aspects, really wanted to share a quote from that book, about sex

there is no beauty in sex, the beauty is on the people

He thought he was making magic w/her, but up til the end he -- at her request -- always refered to each other as friends (what kind of a woman has sex with a guy for months and just calls it friendship?)

OK, the monkey is now being swated off my back. Wish I could see my H today, he usually comes back from training, but they have something going on tomorrow at the training place and i won't see him 'til the night, oh well, will take kids somewhere fun, just got paid

I still have to exorsize the "if I would've found them together at the store/restaurat I would've tell him/ her xyx" demons, my imagination still runs wild there.

Anyways, hope you all have a great weekend))))))))))))))

[runningoutoftime]

I'll have to take a look at "After the Affair" again. I've had a difficult time paying attention to things and even reading since the affair/divorce started. Generally I inhale books, but now I have a really hard time committing to practically everything. One of these days I hope to climb out of this hole.

I can understand not wanting to talk about the affair or answer questions, but maybe this can be done very very gradually. Eventually the details won't matter and it can be a story we put to rest. In the meantime I think most of us yearn for some kind of understanding.

I deal with some ugly feelings to. It really bothers me that this crummy stranger knows whatever information about me my husband chose to share with her. She probably knows more about me than I know about her. Also, it bothers me to no end that he protected and supported her over me.... and the irony of that!!!! The fact that the person who loved him the most (and would NEVER foget him and mourn his loss if he died) gets treated like garbage, while the person who would remember him for maybe 6 months and then forget what he even looked like got treated like a princess!!!! Oh well..... enough of my complaining on your thread. I'm handing the darn monkey back!!!!

[BeingMe]

They're selling "After the Affair" at Canadian's version of Borders (called Chapters), for Cdn$4.99. I think I will get it.

You know, Cat, I think it was very unfair of your H to expect you not to talk about his A, and his behaviour leading up to his leaving. Does he not realize that him not telling you, just allows your mind to conjure up assumptions. I would assume your H was having an A long before he left, or at the very least, he was using the cell for phone sex. Now, that the worst is imagined, what could he possible come up with that isn't as bad?

I think your H is in absolute denial if he thinks that not talking about what you need to know, is going to make everything alright. You will just end up resenting him, and you will the the WAS. He should come clean with everything, like pulling the plaster off a sore, and get it over with, then you can move forward. Otherwise, how do you start trusting?

My H hates talking about it too - he is embarrassed - but, if I push, then he will, to a point. I still don't trust him, because I feel he is still hiding stuff from me.

So, if your H wants the M, then he is going to have to swallow his pride, and start opening his mouth, and coming clean, IMHO. And, don't you feel bad. He's the one who screwed up, he's the one that should fix it.

But, as you say, you cannot control him only yourself. This is what Dr. Phil says about moving forward after an A - this is copied and pasted, so it is quite long. I have taken a lot of this to heart, and even sent this to my H as we started our reconciliation.

Moving Forward After Infidelity
Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, Dr. Phil can help you move forward.

Were you cheated on?

# It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.

# Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.

# Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.

# Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

# If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

# There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.

# If there was a child born of the infidelity, understand that your spouse will forever have a relationship with that child's other parent. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of that or not.



Did you have an affair?

# Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.

# It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.

# In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.

# Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.

# Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your partner, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.

# Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?

# Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.

# Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until.

# If a child was born of the infidelity, you will have to have contact with the other person in order to be co-parents. And you do this the right way by not having any contact without your spouse's involvement. If you want to talk with the other person, then you do it with your spouse present.

# Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.

# If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies.

# Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.

[cat03]

hey there, thanks for listening to my rant!

I think your H is in absolute denial if he thinks that not talking about what you need to know, is going to make everything alright. You will just end up resenting him...

I wish the C would've try to help him understand that. Amazingly enough we had a very frank talk the other night. He actually did talk about the A, some stuff I wanted to share:

HIM: why do you ask these questions?
ME: I want to know where I went wrong w/you
HIM: you shouldn't feel guilty! it wasn't your fault!

ME: Is there anything good that was brought up in you when you were in the R w/her? something you'd like to see in us?
HIM: No, the more time passes the more I realize how much she used me. I don't remember anything good, I want to forget all about it.

ME: I always thought you were having a great time 24/7 with no kids and no restrictions.
HIM: It wasnt all that, I would've given all that up just so I wouldn've have had that (A) happen. I couldnt' enjoy everything, I did feel guilt.
I think so much about how it didnt' have to happen. (I'm still trying to figure that one out, it wouldn't have happen if ...he would've know better, if I would'n't have done xyz?)

ME: What if the one day OP wants to be friends, would you say yes?
HIM: She'll never want anything w/me and I don't want to talk to her. She told me in such a way why she hated my guts, she broke it off in a bad way.

ME: I'm afraid that one day she'll be back in your life and you'd let her in, that u only came back 'cause she broke it off.
HIM: I'd like to think that eventually I would've realize the mistake I was making. At some point she was getting on my nerves and I in hers.
I think so much about how (the A) didn't have to happen.

ME: if at some point, as you've told me, you were deciding between me and her, why did you book that expensive trip to vegas and went on vacation w/me? where you trying to win her back?
HIM: I told you, I was split between you two, I did a bunch of stupid things. Now that I think about it, it was very stupid to send her flowers after I came back.
I had this group of friends (her included) whom I took advice from, I thought I could lean on them but no one cared. That's what made me decide for you, you seemed to care what happened to me. She didnt' want to deal with the issues I had.

He disclose some other details, I told him how I ask to have a clear pict or my mind goes crazy wondering, I ask not to hurt him but to put my fears at ease, to get stuff out of my head.
Supposedly he did talk to her before he left on that phone, but that he was also talking to a group of friends she was part of, that he had nothing to do w/her 'til he left.

Lot of journaling today...