Hello once again. I'm back with good news. This time it's Sarah's story.
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Like others on this BB, I too had a WAS who I thought would never come home. While we were only separated 3 mos, it felt like years. Our situation had to do with a lot of reactivity b/w us due to some family tragedies. However, our separation had been in the making ever since we got married over 2 years ago. The transition from living in our separate pads to living together, was more of a shock than we anticipated. Dealing with the different personalities, habits, moods, etc. proved to be a huge challenge for the both of us. Whenever we fought, we would say a lot of things we didn't mean and therefore, the resentment was building. My H had left me and didn't call/call back for 3 weeks. We spent our 2nd anniversary apart with no communication. It took the following principles taken from the wonderful DB book as well as advice from wise dbers that helped me tremendously:
*180-ing - which proved to be quite challenging b/c we weren't really seeing much of/calling ea. other. When my H initially left, I had to STOP calling him and WAIT for him to call back. I basically kept doing what worked and doing something different if it didn’t.
*Like others have indicated in their success stories, NO OR TALK!!!!
*I was the first to leave the restaurant if we saw ea. other for dinner. I was the first to end the phone calls. I became very business-like which drove my H crazy.
*Detach lovingly. Allow the WA's their space. They're going to take it anyway and the more understanding you could be, the better possibility of a favorable outcome.
*Act as if...I acted as if everything was great with me, that I was a lot of fun to be around, etc. For some time, my H had seen me as someone who was very uptight and not much in the way of company.(I guess the last part can be seen as a 180.)
When I had met with my H at a restaurant the last time, I got up from the table to say it was great seeing him but I needed to go. He looked at me in a state of bewilderment and reached over and gave me a long kiss good-bye. I went on a trip after our meeting. When I got back, I left him a vm saying I was hurt and confused by the way we said goodbye at the restaurant. H came right over and I asked the question, why the kiss? His response was that he still had feelings for me and was attracted but wasn't sure if we could live together. My rebut was 'who the heck can?' I think this got his attention. While one of the bullet pts. above was not to bring up OR talks, I still felt I needed to find out where H was coming from after the affection he showed me at the resturant. It was more about setting boundaries. After we talked, we went for a ride in his vintage car and learned how to have fun with ea. other for the first time in a while. Following this visit, he asked me out for a date the following Sat. which I volunteered to make dinner at our house. Times before, I wore my ring but this time I opted to not wear it this time (another 180)and I think it bugged my H (albeit, he wasn't wearing his either). It was after dinner H announced he wanted to come home. We dated for the next few weeks and then H moved back--for good!
There were other books which were very helpful too:
*Winning Your Husband Back (Gary Smalley)
*How to Save Your Marriage Alone (Ed Wheat)
*His Needs, Her Needs
But ultimately, it took the power or prayer and the belief that it was part of God's plan for us to reconcile. I prayed like never before for healing. I truly believe God's hand was in the healing of our marriage. I also asked for the Lord to give me strength and the staying power for our marriage (even though there were days I wanted to quit and get an attorney) and to soften H's heart.
One more thing...DBing doesn't stop here. I realize this will be a lifelong exercise and process. Thanks Michele and all of you who gave me such sound advice and moral support!
