Just a quick note to say thank you for providing me a productive alternative -- an alternative to H-icide. Only kidding. Or, well, only partly kidding.
I bought DR in December, in desperation. My husband had moved out and was basically not speaking to me. I felt unbelievably upset, frustrated and abandoned, and everywhere my mind turned I saw the end of our life together.
(Want details? He'd started an adult website and went back to listening to heavy metal music, shunned all householding, couldn't see my "problem" with his behavior. Meanwhile, here comes menopause for me, so I'm extra tender and emotional. Almost a recipe for the big D, which had been an unfathomable thought for us, we're the world's most compatible couple!)
I was skeptical as I read your book, because I didn't think I could give my H anything after what he'd "done to me;" certainly he didn't have a point of view? But I love him, and I remained committed to our R, and I drank in your words that said it's ok to not want a divorce.
It's been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm doing it: be patient. Be gentle. Think of him as "teething" instead of teasing me with his interest in other "babes." Not voice my outrage. Not expect anything from him. Be gracious, be quiet, soften, listen. Find humor, share that instead.
If I hadn't seen it myself, I would not have believed it, but it's working. My formerly hostile H now visits home so often he nearly lives here again!
I've marked the gradual changes in my journal: at first he sneered at my new outfits, at my gentler manner, at my after-work activities. But, like a puppy, he got curiouser and curiouser, and he wanted to play. Then he wanted to thank me for letting him play, so he did my dishes.
And here's another place you helped me: I would have taken this as a sign things were "back to normal" and I would have let him have it BIG TIME for his previously horrid behavior, if you hadn't stopped me. He simply could NOT have taken "more of the same" from me, and I would have been back at square one, bereft.
I'm not bereft, I'm hopeful. Also a bit bewildered because this way of doing things is not natural, and some days I feel I'm not valuing myself when I don't speak up to this man who seemed to have changed so much that he wasn't my friend anymore.
Of course I still cry and fume, but a lot less frequently, and not in front of the guy who left, because I see change coming. And honestly, no matter what the outcome, I'm going to be much better off as a sharp, active, attractive sweetiepie than as a bitter, dishevelled loner.
So I'll keep trying something new. Those 180s are working wonders for me.
I know for sure I'd never have gotten here without guidance and support from your book. (Though I still hide it from the people who wouldn't understand.)
So thanks ever so much! I'll keep you posted, too. Bridget
