More Nuggets of Widsom from the Veterans!

[Jamesjohn]

From trying_A_attitude

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Words are meaningless at this point. I think you need to "SHOW" how you feel. It has to be permanent change. Don't expect her to be "realizing she has made mistake by not staying and working on things?". From the little info you've provided she is a WAW and is angry and resentful. Find others threads to post to and learn how to deal with WAW's. The ammo to fight is here, but it needs to be found and used. You got a long road ahead of you, just remember, as long as you stick to it and be true to yourself, you'll end up a better person for it.

"she did not want me to be here" make sure you make the best of the little time she is willing to share time with you. Instead of "I love you", "thank you for finding the time to share with me, I really appreciate it" works better for me. Keep track of the things that work and don't work. Do what works.

[Jamesjohn]

From calystra

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Everyone's sitch is different so I can understand how hard it is at first to apply the techniques to your particular sitch.

The first thing I would do is write down what goals you want to accomplish with your R, your W and yourself.

Once you have those, then I would do four things:
(1) Review past and recent conversation with your W and try to remember what hints she was giving you as to what she liked and didn't like.
(2) Review your thread, there are some hints and clues here in as well as to things that you could work on and change.
(3) Review other people's threads continuously and try to find sitch's that match yours and see what steps those people are taking.
(4) Evaluate yourself and find things about yourself that you would like to improve or change.

When you have a better understading of your W, yourself and your sitch, you will begin to see certain things that stand out to you that you can begin to work on. It's very hard to show change when you don't have much contact with your S but you want to formulate a plan to work on your goals that is tangible - that your W will see - and that meet up with DB techniques.

You should come out of this exercise with a list of overall goals you want to achieve and the steps you're going to take to achieve them.

Then comes the important part. How do you know if the steps you're taking are working? Now you're going to have to come up with a list of ways that you will know your ideas are working.

I hope this helps... make sure to post your ideas and thoughts and we'll help you work through them.

-Calystra

[Jamesjohn]

From Michele

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This is undoubtedly the hardest time in your life. Everyone here knows that. You will experience lots of ups and downs. But the one thing you've already noticed is that when you think through how you want to respond IN ADVANCE, you behave more calmly, sanely and lovingly. This is exactly what you need to do and it's no wonder you felt better about yourself when you were able to pull it off! Good going!

[Jamesjohn]

From KentS

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I feel like life is empty and meaningless without my wife.
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This is a problem Kodiak. Trust me on this one. You have a long road to travel before you can hope for your W to change her course. You need to bring joy back into your life all by yourself.

Dependency on our spouse for happiness is like a huge weight around their ankles, pulling them down. Happiness comes from within and is shared through offering. It can never be taken.

Set her free in your heart and focus on being the best person you can for all your relationships. No matter if that is at work or with friends or family. When the sadness creeps in, tell yourself your W is doing what she needs to for her own happiness.

Make a great weekend. Your assignment is to make some joy.

Kent

[Jamesjohn]

From DB Coach Laurie

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kdr,
Boy, how could you NOT be on an emotional roller coaster? What you are dealing with can be so very tough! But as you mentioned, your reactions have not always "played well" with your wife.

First, understand that YOU DO HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR BEHAVIORS. Second, YOU MUST DO ALL YOU CAN TO STOP IMMEDIATELY what you are doing that is pushing your W away from you.

I can tell you realize your behavior could push your W to the OG. It may be helpful for you to envision actually pushing your W toward the OG every time you begin to destructively behave. Maybe that thought will be so unpleasant to you, it might help you gain better control of your behavior.

So kdr, the most crucial step for you at this moment, is to stop ALL behavior that pushes your W away from you. Take a deep breath and think first before you react. I believe you can do it!! If you have come to this BB, that tells me you want to change...so believe in your ability to do so!

[Jamesjohn]

From elwood

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I'm not the one to really give advice, but listen from a man who threw it all away because he wanted things back too quick. She is on her own time table. Do not ever bring up divorce or getting back together. You must rebuild a trusting friendship, and it will take time. Do not push or pressure, because that will drive her away. Be good and nice and understanding. From time to time ask her out, movie, dancing, dinner, but do not push. What time you spend together enjoy it, make the most of it and take it for what it is. Get out of the dumps, be happy, be strong, show her that you don't need her to cling to, but that you do like her company. Treat her like she really matters, but don't do it so it looks like your kissing her ass. Do small things without being told. She will probably not let you know that she knows you did them, but she will in time come to understand that you do care for her deeply and she will, hopefully look at you the way she use to.

[Jamesjohn]

From sgctxok

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Michele gave really good advice to Lynn that I thought you might be able to use.....her sit isn't the same, but for the intensity of the feelings with upcoming situations, I thought her advice would apply:

Lynn,
Okay. Here is some straight-shooting advice. NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND'S POSSIBLY MISSING YOUR ANNIVERSARY, YOU NEED TO STAY COOL AND NOT RESPOND. You see, the bottomline for DBing is this. Your feelings are important. You should be aware of them, acknowledge them in yourself and then YOU MUST BE IN CHARGE OF HOW YOU REACT REGARDLESS OF YOUR FEELINGS. In other words, when the going gets tough, you need to ask yourself the questions I write about in Divorce Remedy, "What am I hoping to accomplish,?" "Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer to the goal, or push me farther away,?" If your answer is farther away, DON'T DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL. Do something else. Your husband is showing signs of softening. Don't ruin it by pushing him away. Work on yourself. This is a skill you will need even if your marriage gets back on track. You can't always say what you feel. If you do, it's a formula for disaster.

Make plans for yourself to keep yourself busy if that helps you to take your mind off things. You will be so proud of yourself when you overcome the temptation to react or to get back at him over the holidays. No offense, but what a bad idea!!!! Remember, you want him back in your life. That's your goal. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Now, you go girl! Do what works!!!

Michele
The Divorce Buster

[Jamesjohn]

From scotty

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Sorry to hear about your situation, but you've come to the right place.

"My search is for advice on my current state of mind. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my wife plans to divorce me and I'm feeling that with all of the outside influences that there is nothing I can do to redirect her thought process"

I'm going to be pretty honest here.....I don't think you truly believe there is nothing that you can do to save your marriage. You would not have posted here and read the books if you thought that, with that being said, Nothing is hopeless.

Here's a few questions for you to think about:

1) Are you thinking W is going to file D just because other people say so? If so, you may be assuming. W has not told you this directly, and you thought it may be done on your trip, and it wasn't. Don't assume anything with your S right now.

2) You mentioned about setting goals in the past. What were they and did you accomplish them. Were they too easy if you achieved them quickly or too hard if you did not accomplish them.

3) Think back to why your W fell in love w/you. What were you doing during the good times of the R? What has changed since then?

4) Have you been too needy in your M? That was my big problem with my W, and is a huge turnoff to her.

In any case, these are just things to think about. i'm sure you'll get much better advice then this here, but this may get you started....good luck

[Jamesjohn]

From Trying24now

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First, I KNOW it sounds simplistic BUT the first thing you need to do each and every time you SEE or SPEAK to your H is to sound UPBEAT!!!!!

I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous considering the pain you're in, but I swear, THAT change in me made the FIRST change in my H.

When I stopped sounding like the world had come to an end, when there wasn't the constant whine in my voice, the depressed needy look on my face when he saw me, HE didn't feel so pressured to AVOID me.

We think that by wearing our heart on our sleeve, professing our undying love and willingness to forgive will somehow break through their current "cold heart" and melt them back into the loving man we married....BUT instead...it does the exact opposite.

Our desperation strengthens their resolve to be rid of us. In their MLC, they are focused solely on themselves, their own pain, the things they "think" will gratify them (OWs, new friends and adventures, FREEDOM) so when we cling...they run even harder and faster to get away from us.

They DON'T want to hear 'sound reasoning,' they don't want to take a trip down memory lane about your good years together as you recap the history of your marriage....because in MLC they convince themselves that it is ALL OF THAT that has made them so unhappy. So being 'reminded' of any of it does exactly the opposite of what you're hoping it will do.

Imagine you were at work one day, and one of your male coworkers, with whom you've known and gotten along well with for years, came up to you and said, "ILY please love me back, I can't go on without you"...
Would you rush into his arms and run off into the sunset with him? NO of course not. You'd think, "What the the hell is wrong with this guy? I don't have any interest in him, I don't feel anything for him. I don't want him telling me he loves me! And you'd walk away quickly wondering what kind of pathetic guy would profess their love for someone YOU cared nothing about?"
Well WE are that "casual Co-worker" to our Hs right now.

Our Hs have to convince themselves that everything about our lives together was a sham...otherwise, how could they live with what they're doing? Good men don't walk away from loving wives, good homes, happy families. So in order to be able to tell themselves that they're still 'good men' WE and our Ms have to become BAD so that they can justify the twisted decisions they're making in MLC. Sound arguments and facts being thrown at them by us, not only falls on deaf ears but becomes the hurtful bricks they hurl at us hoping to make us back off so they won't have to feel so guilty.

You have a long road ahead of you BUT you have the books and the support of friends on this board that will help you walk through it. AND you will survive this!!!
T2

[Jamesjohn]

From thesane1

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Firstly I dont want to build your hopes up, so please just take this as MHO.

And I totally agree with the others on try and not do the crying in front of H.

But I just want to tell you about the time My sitch turned around.

I had been Trying to apply all the techniques in Micheles books, I had acted as if and done 180's and LRT. I hadn't really seen anything positive from H, I was beginning to think this just was not working for me.

Anyway something happened that I wont go into detail here with, which upset me, I called H to talk to him about it. I felt it was a bit of a backslide, cos I initiated R talk. BUT for the first time since the bomb, H was listening, and talking. Prior to this like your H he wouldn't talk to me what so ever. Now the talk wasn't all positive, he was saying stuff like " im, sorry sue, I dont think it can work and " Its too late the damage is done. But although he was saying these things, I felt a distinct difference in his behavouir towards me.

At first when I put phone down, I thought about the conversation and I was negative, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought hang on maybe it was a baby step, he was talking to me !!

So, it was that which made me do more of what works. I thought about what I had been doing and carried on. This time I was more positive. I backed off, I was happy when I saw him and I never brought up R.

He started to spend more time talking to me and its gone from there to where we are today... dating

So, Maybe its nothing... But then maybe its something!!

So just keep doing what you have been doing.

Sue