You know, I was kind of in her same place - could stop drinking in the evenings 'any time' and did't want to be labeled a 'loser' for taking anti depressants.
Two things my counselor said made a difference.
First, she pointed out to me that our brains are complex chemical systems, like any other part of our bodies are. If we had an ulcer we'de take medicine. If we had cancer we'de get treatment. So, why is it that if we have depression - which is just another PHYSICAL ailment of our bodies that has a psychological side effect, why don't we get 'medicine' for it?
Second, alcohol is a drug. It happens to be capable of high levels of physical addiction. We NEED it after a while. Doesn't thaty PISS you off? It pisses ME off that my 'fun' drink became addictive.
Alice Cooper once said in an interview that he drank a lot before and during concerts, but one day he was drinking a lot and realized that his 'fun' had become 'medicine'. And he quit drinking alcohol. Just like that.
Yes, she CAN quit anytime. Just like I could. The question is when will she be PISSED OFF enough at this substance, and how she has allowed it to get such a level of control, of NEED in her life.
A strong personality like mine, and like hers, can get to the point to where you'll decide that you WILL NOT allow your body and brain tobe 'sick' and addicted, and that you will take care of healing yourself by not drinking for 90 days, which is the least amount of time it takes to break an addiction.
For me, it's almost a year. And it was because I was pissed. No AA, no 12 steps. I am in control of my life and my body was ill, so I took care of it.
Try explaining this to her. Ask her if she want's control. And, does she listen to Alice Cooper?
I have a little time and I will try to keep this as un-graphic as possible.
Basically, OT, as I have known all along, you and PM were right. It took me just stepping up and DOING something rather than waiting for her to somehow invite me in so-to-speak.
Yesterday/last night was probably one of the most unlikely days for this to happen since I had a TERRIBLE day and a headache for most of the afternoon/evening. I was in a bad mood but tried not to take it out on W or kids.
At some point in the night, just before bed I just blurted out something that I would like to do to my W in a playful way. Before that, there was really nothing much going on. She laughed it off but I didn't stop. I kept going, getting more descriptive. She kept giggling but didn't really do much more. I was on the couch, she was in the kitchen and from there we went to bed.
As we got into bed I said "So, how about it?" (obviously there was more to it but I don't really want to get into THAT much detail.
She said (since it was about midnight by then) "Oh sure, take the day off tomorrow and we'll stay up until 2-3."
Of course I said "SURE!"
She laughed because she knew I couldn't do that today (we have a trainer in and I can't miss the training). But I did say I would take the kids to school and let her sleep in, all she had to do was -------. I persisted. She said something like "I haven't said no yet..." and from there, I just, well, I just did PM, OT and all the rest of the women telling me to just "do it" VERY proud.
One thing I made SURE to do was to kiss her a LOT. At one point she started crying and said "You never kissed me like this, ever. It's all I ever wanted you to do and you never did. All this time, it's all you had to do. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't sexy or something."
Of course I made SURE she knew that wasn't true both by words and actions. I told her how incredibly hot she was and that any lack of kissing/affection in the past was on me because I now know what I was missing.
There were also a LOT of tear filled ILY's and many other loving things said by her. It was almost like a gush that she's been holding in for a long time. That was as nice as the physical part and really seemed from the heart.
I won't go on and on but I do think this was not an isolated event. We are going on a 4 day working trip together without the kids starting Thursday so we'll see.
I DO NOT have any expectations. I have been here too long not to know that it's possible that she may pull back but I THINK I am ready for that IF it happens. NO EXPECTATIONS.
Of course, I think this is a major turning point but the real work begins now. As I always said, I just want the chance to prove to her how much I now understand, and also that I am willing to keep learning about me, her and us. I want to build romance, passion and intimacy into our entire life. She has to FEEL that, and I think she will.
For her part, I can also say that her, um, behavior last night was different that it used to be. I won't dwell on it but it was VERY nice and she really showed a capacity for affection that has never really been there before.
Thank you for all your support during the MANY days, weeks and months when I didn't think this day would ever come.
I just hope I can put all you have taught me into practice now and REALLY start to save my marriage.
It's funny, last night I learned more about my W and what makes her TRULY happy than the past 10 years combined. It seems SO simple now that I know but for some reason, either my stubbornness or her lack of communication, I never got the message. Now I have it loud and clear and plan to listen VERY well. It's really sad how obvious this stuff is yet somehow I failed to either notice or act on it (BTW, same goes for her too).
One other thing that occurred to me as I have been posting over the past few weeks is that most of what I am now posting about are the actual core issues of my marriage, NOT anything having to do with the affair, etc. Looking back, that is REALLY nice, and I think what we all hope to do eventually. Isn't the whole point of DB to give us the ability to move past the surface issues, mainly the affairs, and get to the real problems underlying the immediate concerns.
Her drinking, my anger, the daily stress, my travel/being gone all the time, her unhappiness at missing out on certain career opportunities, etc, etc, etc, are all things we have been talking about, working on and making progress with. That has not been the case for several years now and I just realized it.
Things ARE good right now and I mean to do everything I can to keep myself happy, contribute to her happiness and do the best I can to make my marriage one of the success stories.
Quote: One other thing that occurred to me as I have been posting over the past few weeks is that most of what I am now posting about are the actual core issues of my marriage, NOT anything having to do with the affair, etc
Interesting observation and, in hindsight, you are absolutely correct. Obviously on some level you both have turned a corner and are now focusing on the core relationship issues. Keep up the good work!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Geez, GH, I haven't checked in on you in a while, but I guess I know when to show up. Just when the story is reaching the climax Oh, sorry bad joke. But GH, I mean really WOW. I am so so happy for you. I do think you are right, you have been focusing on the core issues of your M, and you have had a breakthrough. Even if there is a little back pedaling or whatever next, this is a breakthrough and you are on the healing road. I am so happy for you. And you are once again an inspiration to all of us. Patience, persistence, doing the personal work, all paying off. You are awesome GH. Thanks for giving all of us some more hope today. One day more than anything I hope I have in my thread Thanks for going there. And if I'm not back here before then, have a great several days away with W on Thursday too. That is awesome. Time for the two of you. This is all so good. Keep it up GH. Oh sorry, another bad joke. It has been a while, be tolerant of me LOL
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Oh, sorry bad joke. But GH, I mean really WOW. I am so so happy for you. I do think you are right, you have been focusing on the core issues of your M, and you have had a breakthrough. Even if there is a little back pedaling or whatever next, this is a breakthrough and you are on the healing road. I am so happy for you. And you are once again an inspiration to all of us. Patience, persistence, doing the personal work, all paying off. You are awesome GH. Thanks for giving all of us some more hope today. One day more than anything I hope I have 
It has been a while, be tolerant of me