I started to read a little of your last posts ((SAW your first post in piecing)))) and I am interested in reading more,, One question I would like to ask you and you can answer me when you have time... How long did it take you to let the "OP" and a thoughts be gone? I have forgiven and to be perfectly honest my M is better than ever but the "OW" and thoughts of the affair still haunt me not daily anymore but enough for me to want to ask for your insight... Thank you and sorry for the hijack... God bless...
Ali, I seriously dunno how I got past that, or honestly if I really am. All I can say is that at some point I just stopped thinking about him/them/the affair every minute...then every hour...then a day past and the next day I realized that I didn't think about it all the previous day.
I hate to use your sitch to answer your question, but looking at what you say about your H's tattoo, I think if there were something like that, constantly reminding me of my W's OM, I'd probably have a much harder time.
That said, all I can say is that you just have to let the new, better thoughts being produced by your "new" marriage take the place that those terrible thoughts have occupied for too long in your head. I guess what I am saying is that part of it must be an active choice by you to let go.
I know there was a point in my ordeal I realized that I actually enjoyed (for lack of a better word) the pain, suffering, anger, etc. I felt entitled to it because of what she'd done. When I realized that, I also realized that it was a sickness of sorts to cling to those negative feelings just because they'd become comfortable. I guess I did start to force myself to stop wallowing in the misery and start reveling in the new happiness I found, both with myself and within my marriage.
Maybe you just need to do the same. Maybe you need to reject the comfort that the pain holds for you and take the risk of feeling truly happy again. It's a HUGE risk for us because once we allow ourselves to feel that way in the company of our S's, we risk everything again, but hell, life's a risk anyway so why not.
Maybe you just need to do the same. Maybe you need to reject the comfort that the pain holds for you and take the risk of feeling truly happy again. It's a HUGE risk for us because once we allow ourselves to feel that way in the company of our S's, we risk everything again, but hell, life's a risk anyway so why not.
You know you may be on to something there,,, I AM afraid to let go of the pain some b/c my husband seems to knock the wind out of me when I am really happy by doing something awful....... BTW... a light went on in my head when I realized that yes looking at her name every morning and every night when he wants to snuggle.. or even laying on that side of his body and he puts my head on her name basically.. I feel as though she is in the room with me... The tattoo is on his chest.
If only my H knew how much it hurt.
I did mention my hurt the other day and he said I know I am sorry.... But he can not really know the pain.
and BTW to totally hijack your thread can you help me with a question? I will post it in my thread.
And thank you for your post it helped alot. God bless...
BTW Ali, I was not aware of some of the things going on in your sitch. As I posted on your thread, some of what your H is doing makes is VERY hard to "just be happy" but I still think you can. You simply need to do more of what you have been doing and that is remaining calm and asserting your right to be treated as an equal, not someone to cut down on a daily basis to make H feel better.
I wanted to stop by and personally thank you for your kind words your way of thinking is so wonderful,,, I do not know you well yet,, but from the advice you gave me you seem to be a beautiful, caring human being. I hope, and I am sure that with all your new knowledge your wife and you will celebrate many, many years together. It is amazing how something this painful turns out beauty when we harness it and learn from it... God bless...
Thank you Ali. You are too kind. I guess my fate is that I am a much better writer of posts online than I am man in the flesh. I AM a good man but somehow the moment often leaves me unable to communicate or act as I would like. I have anger issues. I have intimacy issues. I am childish and difficult at times but at the end of the day, I hope I am growing past some of that and with the help of you all, and also by helping you all, I believe I am.
This seems a bit too much like tooting my own horn for my taste but a lot of people seemed to like this post of mine from piecing and I thought I would post it on my thread here too in case it can help someone else here.
---------from my thread in Piecing--------
Ok, this is something I was thinking about this weekend.
It seems to me that failure to succeed in saving a marriage can usually come in two flavors. First, that the WAS is already too far gone/committed to leaving the marriage. The second, and from my perspective, by far the most common, is the fact that the LBS is as much a WAS as the WAS is...let me explain.
So many times on these threads we see people decrying what their spouses did to them and how they just can't seem to get past it, to forgive them their trespasses. They keep saying "But she broke her vows. She f--ked another man" as if that somehow gives then exclusive dominion over the choice to leave the marriage. It's almost like the WAS flipped a switch, starting an inevitable process that ends in divorce, or at least that's how many LBSs seem to portray their feelings about the sitch. They feel that things are irreparable when in fact they are not.
The simple, inescapable fact is that for most, and I stress MOST WASs, the end of the marriage is at least as justified (and thus the affair) or MORE justified due to the months/years of "broken" vows THEY feel WE broke. Remember, the one about sleeping with another man/woman is not the only vow exchanged although many of us would like to think it is, or at least the most important of them. Many LBSs think it is the most important but when you stack two or three of them together, say loving, honoring, cherishing, in good times and bad, etc. then that one about forsaking all others seems to be out-gunned from the perspective of the WAS. All of a sudden, for the WAS, forsaking doesn't seem so bad when you feel unloved, un-cherished and not honored in the least, let a lone respected.
Sure, there are your cheaters who cheat just because they can, and for the LBSs of those exceptions to the rule, I doubt this site, these books, or anything else here will be of much help. For the rest, the marriage saving techniques we talk about here and try to practice COULD be the difference between two WAS's walking away from each other (because when a LBS gives up on the marriage, in essence not living up to that vow of "for better or worse", they become a WAS too) and two people, having made mistakes working toward saving something that was once worth everything in the world to each of them.
I thought of all this when I was shooting a wedding over the weekend and for the 7-8th time in the last two months, I witnessed two people exchanging vows. I heard how each vow seemed to carry weight, and how as each one was said, the bride cried more and more, the groom smiled more and more. Each vow was a piece in their marital puzzle and I sincerely think they meant all of them, not just that one we talk most about here. I saw them ACT like they meant each one as the day went on, as he opened doors for her, as she held him and loved his embrace, as they fed each other at the reception and dedicated songs to one another. I saw such love, honor, cherishing and dedication from each of them that I realized that take any of those components away and it would be noticed by at least one of them, if not both.
Something has been taken away in our marriages. We were hurt beyond our ability to express but we CANNOT forget that our spouses were hurt too, probably long before we were and whether we agree or not, they fully believe our transgressions of the pact of marriage, in the form of broken vows, gives them as much right to vacate the marriage as we think their infidelity does us.
We are not right any more than they are, nor are we necessarily in more pain than they are. We are simply on the receiving end of the broken vow with the highest visibility and worst PR spin.
Bottom line is that you either want to save your marriage or not. You can't control whether your spouse does or not. Obviously they cheated on you, or at least had an EA at this point so they are leaning the other way. You either want to nudge them back your way or the other, it's your choice but please realize that at some point, it IS your choice to make. You HAVE to decide one way or the other because to make no decision, to committ to doing nothing is the worst affront to yourself you can make.
Lastly, and maybe most offensivly, that part about them sleeping with another women/man being the deal breaker...sorry to be so rude/crude/heartless but I have never seen so many virgin brides/husbands in my life than those gathered here. Come on people, they slept with people before you and as long as they come back clean (as OT and others will tell you, get that part confirmed if you can), there really is no difference other than they promised they wouldn't do that after they married you...what did YOU promise them?
I can't say in the end if your efforts will be successful if you do all this DB stuff but what I can say is that if you don't decide you want to save your marriage, and committ to doing whatever you can to achieve that goal, you won't be successful in doing so.
Just remember this last thing; by choosing to save your marriage, you are really choosing to save yourself first.
That was awsome GH. Very well put. I know I have broke some of my Vows but you are right by saying that the Ifidelity one was the most noticable. You are right that everyone focuses on it too much. However I believe the thing that is the worst is that the trust was broken by the lieing and cheating. I believe that is going to be the hardest thin to repair. I would take my W back in a heart beat because I love her so darn much. However it is going to be a long and hard road to fix everything that we as a "Couple" have broken.
Thanks again for posting the GH it was very well written. OSU
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
