My husband and I recently entered therapy with a solutions oriented psychologist who recommended your book. We have both started it. I went immediately to chapter 10 on adultery since my husband had been having an intimate friendship (which included hugging, kissing, email, phoning and several long bike rides but had not progressed to intercourse) with a much younger, married woman with 2 kids for 3 months. I broke it up. We agreed to try to repair things, try a counselor for the first time, etc.
Here's my dilemma in your book and in my counselor's assumptions. My husband should be sorry but he is not. He says that the OW met an emotional need and he assumed our marriage was headed towards divorce. He also wanted to see if he was attractive to other women. He says he feels no remorse and will not apologize.
This makes it really tough for me to move on with the program. I am not super human after all!
We do not fight or have the normal difficulties couples have. We are very active and grew in different directions. My husband was totally involved in running and long distance biking.
In the last year I got tired of reaching out to him and did throw in the towel. Over the years I have built friendships outside the marriage as advised by my psychologist to avoid loneliness. I also became very involved with horses --- buying one, working at a farm, hanging out with horse-women.
Please say "the words" to get me past this hump with his not being able to apologize. We are doing great on spending time with each other. I was working on my goals last night. This is the first time I have ever seen him motivated to work on our relationship. That is exciting for me. But I am really stuck on this one thing.
Thanks so much, Kathy ********************************************************* Kathy, I totally understand your need for an apology. Anyone in your shoes would feel that way. However, if you want to save your marriage, listen to what I have to say. Here are "the words."
He needs to feel that you completely understand why he sought friendship outside your marriage. He needs to hear you say you understood HIS lonliness. I know you were lonely, but he probably felt exactly the same way. He probably interpreted your making a life for yourself as your exiting the marriage. If your therapist didn't help you articulate this well enough, he needs to justify his actions. He will continue to do so until he feels you get it. So get it. Let him know you understand. It doesn't change the fact that you were hurt deeply, it just says that you see his point of view. That's very important.
Secondly, what people have to do to save their marriages isn't always "fair". It's not fair or right that he doesn't acknowledge your hurt. IT's not fair or right that he isn't actively pursuing your forgiveness. However, sometimes you have to be patient. The time might not be right for him. He may feel guilty and in order to make himself feel okay, he withholds "I'm sorry." Forget the words right now. FOcus on the fact that he's working on your marriage. If the bond gets stronger, it's entirely possible that he will apologize in the not too distant future. Be patient. Be wise. Your marriage depends on it, even if your therapist doesn't agree. Trust me on this one.
I have been DBing for over a year. Things had gotten to a nice peaceful spot -- or so I thought, but H before he left town to visit his family told me again he is very unhappy.
He said he wants to resolve the problems between us - but when he says that he really means he wants a divorce. Several times we have gone to a counselor, then H says he wants a divorce, then he doesn't do anything to get one and our lives hobble along.
Now he even accuses me of infidelity since I take birth control pills. I'm 47 and we've been married 19 years. These suspicions started when I started doing things without him -- going for walks, out to dinner etc -- as he wouldn't come with me.
We have three children and are both good parents. Our careers and marriage have suffered because our priorities are on the children.
I have made lots of improvements. Son told me it was the best Christmas in many years -- H doesn't like Christmas so I didn't ask him to do anything. He finally suggested I put up the tree. I thought things were going well and I could relax a bit.
So I was ready to concentrate on my own career and health and now there are the veiled divorce threats again.
Is this as far as I can get?
He was emotionally and verbally abusive and totallly depressed. I have made changes that have triggered changes in him for the better. For example, having the children's friends over for dinner helped to stop his raging at everyone during meals.
I fixed my own flat tire and the heater. Also, friend helped install toilet seat. While he's gone I plan more improvements.
He once said he wanted me more independent. I've always worked and we each make about the same $$$. Yet, I sense that when I look happier without him he becomes angry.
Neely, I just wonder whether he feels threatened by your changes. If so, don't stop changing, but I just wonder whether you compliment him and build up his ego when he's acting lovingly. Does he know what you appreciate about him. Without doting on him or pursuing him, does he think you still love him? Michele
I think you may have hit on something. He was really OK on the 26th -- helped me make our bed which he NEVER does. Also, was willing to go out to dinner on our anniversary and gave me a gift certificate (though it said Happy New Year).
When he did make the bed with me I was afraid to say anything, in case he turned against me.
I haven't felt safe enough to treat him lovingly -- was trying to be independent> Also I have to be real careful with compliments, as he gets mad if he feels patronized.
He e-mailed me for the first time ever and responded to my response. Also sent a picture. I panicked though when I found he had a job listing sent to him before he went to Taiwan. He's talked about his career going nowhere and his desire to go baack there but not fitting in anywhere at all.
I couldn't sleep.
ANyway my goals are to :
Make marriage Loving, supportive and to appreciate and encourage each other in our careers.
I will set the example by being more loving -- showing I care. I'll do housework when H is around. I will listen to what he says.
I will support his goals and let him know I do. He set up a worksheet to track expenses and I will start making entries.
I will show appreciation by doing things for him.
At the same time:
I will exercise, I will work on my career less hours and more challenging work.
Hi Michele, I have read DB and am reading DR. Here is my link: Super D-Busters Needed Thank you for participating on this board. I am wondering just how to DB my H. He just moved out. In his eyes a mutual decision, but I hated letting him go(know I had to do it). We are seeing a C once every 2 weeks and each other twice a week. I'm not sure how to approach this situation. Have done 180 with pursuing and control. Also have done a 180 on giving advice. I have been doing the LRT as best I can in this situation. Possible identity crisis, MLC. He is WAS, not "in love" with me anymore. Has anger for sexual rejection over the years. This is blaring in his mind. I know it will take time. Just not sure about doing LRT effectively. Also what to do in C, where we are supposed to talk about OR. Thanks Sweet Orange
I am fairly new to this DB game, have been at it for a least a month. I have even had a teleconsultation, which was really helpful. Here is my link with my sitch., please take a peek. http://66.111.66.234/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic&f=9&t=000682 - (hope this works?!)
Short overview, married 5 yrs., relationship 10. Last 2 years very tough. Tried couseling not so good. I did a lot of pushing H out the door. H did not communicate or share his life too much.
Anyway, H has been gone about 3 mos. and has said it was over from the first day he left. Has pushed for me to file D. I did all the wrong things for the first month (pleading, etc.) and then went dark. After 2 weeks dark, H called to see if I filed, when I said this was not something I wanted H said he would file.
My question for you is how do I get H to see that I have been working on myself and made changes when we have no reason to make contact (no kids, H leaves 1 hour away)??? I feel like H has put me out of his life so that it is very easy to forget me and create new life. If I don't reach out to H, how can I get his interest back???
I am dazed and confused, and really wish I could change things around. Please Help Me!!
Member Blownaway Member # 3855 posted January 27, 2002 03:01 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wow Michele!!! How do you keep up with all this? You truely are a wonderful woman and I have much respect for you. I wonder if you could help me with this one? My thread is Cant do this Anymore on NC. Big problem now is business. I cant get out because H cant buy me out. The B is in dire straights. My H is determined to save it. I realise that we would lose everything we have if we sold or I forced settlement now so would like to also work it. Trouble is, I am finding it so hard to detach whilst working with him everyday, I am scared when OW returns from east she will come in office etc. The reason I wanted settlement was to be able to move on. My H said, "you are making everything so final!" This is just after he told me he wanted to explore R with OW and not work on our M! My thoughts are: 1. Work together to save business, perhaps in doing this H might realise that I am not so bad to have around and want to work on us one day. 2. Let him have his time with OW (not much else I can do anyway) and maybe he will see grass not as green. 3. If we are to work to save business that H does not allow OW to come near office. I couldnt stand that, it would kill me! How do I do this and DB effectively? H is coming around tomorrow to talk about our options with business and how we can do it. I fear he is going to ask me to not work there and trust it all to him, his track record doesnt give me much faith. It (business) is so part of us and our plans together am wondering if it is something worth holding on to and working together on? When I look at it, the people who have been telling me to just get out, are divorced people who have not managed successful relationships and who just think I am wasting my time. Am getting so much conflicting advice from family and friends, work associates etc. I am scared and battle weary, and all the other stuff. My brain just doesnt want to work properly atm. Thankyou Love BA
ooops sorry, posted this on the old new questions thread so have pasted it here! Blownaway
ANy advice to give for someone married to someone who is so preoccupied with his past that he can't live in the present?
I realize the conditions my H grew up with haunt him. We've been married 19 years -- he threatened divorce two years ago, but couldn't/didn't follow through due to lack of funds. Anyway, he's back to talking about all that -- just like he used to. He's in therapy now -- so this may be helping him.
Can he ever focus on the present? It seems he doesn't see me or the kids .. just sees his mother and brothers. He deemed his mother incompetent and his brothers neglected.
How can I change the pattern? I usually listen and say how sad and is there anything we can do now?
