I have returned home after my battle with MLC and we are making so much progress. we have not talked about all that has happened over the past few years. to me this is a relief in a way but I keep wondering if my wife thinks about my actions or the past.I gave her the opportunity to ask me anything she wanted and she just said she was glad I was home again. she had no questions. Is this even normal? she has said absolutely nothing and has not thrown anything in my face.should I be grateful or should I bring it up and if I do will it only cause more problems?I have apologized many times. sometimes she looks sad and it makes me wonder if she is thnking about the lost years we had. I am just going on and on here I am sorry. any input from someone who has been there would be great.
Finally free I am not in peicing but my h did come about two years ago after 6 months away. I did want answers then and I asked too many questions. I know what I say to many is to wait and the mlcer will tell you when they are ready to open up. I know now if my h returns again I would want answers but I would not hold him down and make him answer. I would let him answer at his own pace but I don't think I would let him fully back into my life until I had the answers.
Having said that though it is not the gory details I want answers for. It is really the why and how he felt (is feeling). Mostly I would not want the same things to happen again. I think if he is ready to answer these things then it would help both of us to heal.
If you are comfortable with answering the questions your w may have then maybe ask her if she has any and be as honest as possible with your answers. No sugar coating.
FF...I have always LOVED your posts on threads, as a former MLCer....and when you first came on the boards, you sounded like my H does right now....so I really look to you as a positive sign!!! I could only wish my H comes to a day when he comes back and wants to give info.
I agree with mermaid....my H did come out of the tunnel for a bit for full disclosure, and I bit too far, like mermaid. He ran back in...but b/c he wasn't finished. Now, like mermaid said, I will wait until he is ready...and that's only when he feels he is safe.
Maybe your W is creating a safe space for you too. I know she must be sad, and must also want to put that behind her as well.
BUT, I know from experience (with H...we have split and reunited 3 times in our 15 yrs of knowing each other) that sweeping things under the rug and not talking about it is comfortable, but not good. The lessons don't come out.
I know from reading your threads that you and yoru W both had work to do in the M in addition to your MLC. And that was done. But, you still need to talk about what happened, explain your MLC (not just about her), your feelings. Apologize for the anger, the hurt. Tell her that you now know how it must have felt. If you feel you were in a fog then, not the man you aare now, tell her that...that would be so important to hear, that this was a life crisis episode and not a normal coping mechanism (which is scarier).
Just hold and her and tell her what you went through. She will understand. Tell her about the MLC depression and pain. How you uderstand how it would have affected her.
I also suggest, if you're not already there, to go to MC for this process.
You need to work through this, discuss a little (not forever) and then let it go together. So you don't repeat the same mistakes.
You can also use it as a time to be positive and appreciate, verbally, the wonderful ways in which both of you have changed in the M.
You are a success story of MLC here, and if you know our forum, you know how heartwrenching MLC is...and how we love to see men like you come out of this so wonderfully strong. So, please open up together, make this a healthy recovery, so we can all rest peacefully knowing that you've made it out great!
All the best to you and your W. Thanks for all yoru input on our threads....it's our portal to the other world.
But as a LBS, I would want to hear how much my husband appreciates me, cares about me and wants to be with me. I'd be curious to know what he learned about himself, what he went through and after all he has been through what he realizes about life. It would be really nice to have reassurance; That after going away as far as possible, he eventually realized where he wanted to be and where home is.
Your wife may not be ready for the details yet. But you can always let her know you'll be willing to share whatever she might want to know when she's ready. And you can always tell her you would never want to hurt her, but just want her to feel close to you and that you don't want to hold any secrets from her.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
My H recently came home and has not wanted to talk about it a lot. We had one conversation where he explained it all, asked to come home, was very emotional, apologetic and caring. He hasn't said much since and neither have I.
Part of me wants to put it behind us, for us just to "live" and move forward but I worry about NOT talking but I don't know what else we could talk about. We talked a lot about it DURING the past 2.5 years.
I do have different thoughts, concerns and insecurities but I don't let him know, he seems not to want to talk about things since it takes him to a "bad place". I think he has trouble admitting what he really did.
I wonder if he came home since I was the default and not because he loved me. I wonder if he realized it was "cheaper" to stay married than to divorce, have child support and the stigma of being a divorced Dad.
I wonder if he thinks about OW, if he is "settling" to be with me. I wonder if he plans to leave me again once the kids are grown and gone.
So I guess the LBS self esteem is doubtful or low, and needs reassurance which it sounds like you give your wife. My H has been slow to give hugs, still no kissing, but ML is OK!! I wish he would use words to tell me how he feels, what he is thinking, to say positive things about me our future together.(like growing old together)
I would like to hear compliments about my body, about what he likes about it,(since he did like the body of the OW which is so different from mine) I wish he would respect my thoughts and opinions, to appreciate what I do.
Sometimes I still feel unwanted and unloved, though H is here, is being kind and is trying as best he can. I want to know that he puts our marriage first and is willing to go to marital counseling, weekend marriage seminars and participate in making our marriage better instead of just going back to the way it was. (another fear I have)
Maybe if you ask your wife what you can do to make it easier for her. It sounds like you are keeping the communication lines open, are being loving and reassuring without sounding phony.
The "Sad" look, I have sometimes too when I realize that the special bond we once had will never be the same, that he loved another woman and I am not his special, one and only love. But it passes if I don't dwell on it.
Keep up what your doing and good luck.
wed2alien
wed2alien
Both 49, M 23 years 3 teens April 2004- bomb, moved out April 2006-Ended with OW for the LAST time May 2006- He wants to work on the marriage!! Nov 2006-- Moved home May 2008- Things still getting better
how old were you when you went through your MLC? What made you leave and what made you finally come back?? What happens to you men when you just leave us? was the other woman that great...did you ever miss your wife? My H is 30 and told me he was unhappy with me and didn't love me anymore and filed for D. I wish I knew what he was thinking...and if he ever misses me or regrets what he is doing. He says he doesn't regret anything. I would love to read about your story. Thanks
SC I think you can read my old threads as I have no desire to rehash my MLC again. I am not your Husband and so I have no idea as to what he was thinking or why he did the things he did.I did not have a PA I had a very close friend and had not even heard the term EA before I came here to these boards.you do need to get it in your head that this was not about my wife it was about me. It was about what I wanted and my wife stood in the way. I kicked and screamed throughout my MLC until I found the way home.Not every man or woman who is having an affair is in MLC. Some people just get fed up with their lives and their spouses and want to move on. Have you looked at yourself and your own contribution to the marriage? I have not read your threads.maybe it is best that you step back from the situation and just leave your husband alone to figure things out for himself. Had my wife not given me the space i needed I never would have come home.she never asked questions and she really did move on with her life.I began to feel like the LBS because it seemed that life was going on all around me and I was still stuck in my own world.
Quote: Had my wife not given me the space i needed I never would have come home.she never asked questions and she really did move on with her life.I began to feel like the LBS because it seemed that life was going on all around me and I was still stuck in my own world.
Excellent observation!!!! One way I dealt with my sadness when my husband left, was I made the house much more comfortable and cheerful for me and the kids. I'd put cut flowers from my garden out more often (I've always done this, but I started doing it more often), I would have candles in the evenings for dinner and afterwards, and I'd make plans to take the kids to events, fairs, etc... every weekend. I tried to keep us all busy. I think eventually my husband felt kind of left out and like his family was having a great life without him. Also, I think he missed living in a comfortable, clean, "homey" house.
Finally Free,
One more idea for you if you haven't already done this... take a little extra time and read some books about relationships and women. You may get some new ideas that will help you convey love and appreciation to you wife. Although it already sounds like you're doing a good job. These things take time.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thanks so much for the posts. i suppose it is just a process that we all have to go through. she (my W) doesn't think we should talk about what happened she has no questions and never throws things in my face.I just feel that she is holding back but I also have to believe her. maybe it is just my own guilt for almost destroying my family. to be loved so completely and unconditionally is hard to put into words. maybe i should stop thinking and just enjoy it.
Quote: to be loved so completely and unconditionally is hard to put into words. maybe i should stop thinking and just enjoy it.
YES! Enjoy the love and give it back! You sound so kind and caring, FF. I really admire you for encouraging questions from your wife. She must feel very secure in your new R. Congrats! Matilda
