Rebirth to a New Life II

[faithisbelieving]

Jeff....thanks again....always the Coast Guard rescue ship when my ship is foundering.

Maine lobster.
Steak, New York Strip.
Cigar.

It's coming.

Strength and honor.

Frank

[WCW]

I no longer NEED her; she is only a desire.

I think about this whenever I see someone say it around these boards. Did you NEED her when you got married and while you were married? Shouldn't she have been a desire during the whole M? For me, I did not NEED H when we met, I was doing just fine on my own thank you. H was someone that I desired to join me and become part of my life, and I wanted to join him and become part of his life.

Here's a little whine to go with your lobster and NY steak with FIB. (BTW, grass fed WI beef would be much better!) I loved waking up with H every day, rolling into him and snuggling and cuddling, or more... It's been a very long time since we've woke up in the same bed. Today I opened a fresh can of coffee and the old jingle popped into my head and I still can't knock it out...the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. OMG, the best part of my waking up now is COFFEE! all those flavored creamers really do entice the taste buds, but jeez, now that's my best part of waking up??! I would glady give up my need for coffee to fullfill my desire to wake up with H again.

My last thread locked up and so far I have no desire or time to start a new one yet, so I just threadjack around now and then.

[faithisbelieving]

Great post WCW...Chock Full of Nuts is the 'heavenly coffee'. Yes..my W was heavenly. Are we getting into a coffee discussion now? French Vanilla creamer for me..just a tad.
FIB

[WCW]

I tried some new creamer Sunday, Vanilla Toffee Caramel. It’s my new favorite, and I add a little coffee with it to warm it up. I use regular coffee, but add some plain old cinnamon and it jazzes it up. We had an impromptu breakfast at my folks place, and there was 17 of us! Lots of fun and talk, weather was so great the kids (and the big kids too) were out flying kites. Success was getting them all back out of the trees.

FIB, I have some medical questions. Can I ask your opinion? My mom has surgery next Monday to remove a cyst from her lumbar area that has pinched off the feelings down her legs and her feet are numb. The MRI also showed some areas of arthritis that is narrowing the nerve flow, but he feels that he should remove the cyst first and see how much she recovers and then if needed go back in to scrape the arthritis. She is 75, mostly healthy and active and loves gardening, surgeon feels two smaller surgeries would be easier to recover from than one big surgery. Is 2 surgeries better than 1? Of course I am a wreck, it’s my MOM!

Seeing that Jeff hasn’t been here on his new thread since last year, let’s just keep threadjacking...maybe he’ll see the activity and come see what’s up at his house. He does owe me pie and coffee, so all this coffee talk does sorta fit in.

[faithisbelieving]

Yeah Jeff...we're threadjacking.

A healthy 75 can tolerate 2 operations and they are relatively 'minor' in that they do not enter the abdominal or chest cavities. I obviouly don't have the 'films', but, what he says makes sense. If all her symptoms are from the growth, and, he can avoid opening up the spinal canal in 2 places or one large opening, it may prove worthwhile. With breast surgery, I always explain that we can do a noninvasive ultrasound guided biopsy first, but, may still need a larger biopsy and then further if needed.

If he reviewed the films with you, discussed it and answered your questions, it would sound like he is doing the right thing with regards to the explaining your options. Again, tough call without looking at the Xrays, but, it doesn't sound like it is going away from 'standard of care'.

BTW, I tried that new toffee creamer too. Good stuff.

FIB

[Jeff223]

WCW,
If it makes you feel better my mom underwent lumbar surgery about two years ago. She had severe pain in her leg rather than numbness and the doctor had to remove some bone to release the pressure on the spinal cord. He operated and removed bone from one side of the spine only. But about 10 days later he had to operate again to remove bone from the other side also. The operations were under an hour each and together they eliminated the pain. She has some numbness now but that is better than the pain. It did take about two months before she could walk without assistance (she went to rehab about three times per week). She was 87 when she had the operations.

I will post soon but nothing much has changed with me. Life sucks and W wants the D done yesterday. I was hoping the holiday season would have made a dent, but no dice.

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Jeff glad you're still about - long time no post!!!

Sorry to hear your WAW is still firmly entrenched in the WAW mode Ah well, she had her chance, I suppose

How are YOU doing? And the kids?

[WCW]

Wow! look who showed up! nice to see you, Jeff. Welcome home.

Thanks Jeff and FIB for your thoughts, information helps me deal with it better. I have always been a 'need to know all the details' type of person. (must be why the current status of H/R/M causes such insanity )

Now returning to regular programming....here's your thread Jeff. Like JenJam asked, how are you? how are the kids?

[Jeff223]

Hi all,
Thanks for the great posts. I appreciate it.

I guess I came down hard after the holidays and right now I do not feel at all well. I am very sad again at the loss of my M and my R. I feel so strongly that we can make it work and have a wonderful life. I accept the situation logically and even emotionally, but I can not shake the fact that God will turn this around somehow. My kids do not need to suffer like this. They are so confused by it all.

Christmas was great. It was by far the best Christmas I ever had with my kids. I was really a father this year. We had fun. They loved their gifts. We watched Scrooge on Christmas Eve and shared family traditions. But we were not a complete family. That was a poor tradition to start this year.

I missed my W even though things turned out well. I enjoyed the one on one time with the kids but both parents should have been there when presents were opened.

No card from her and the gifts were "from the kids". Interesting, she did call the day before Christmas Eve when I had the kids and she said she had more gifts for me and wanted to bring them over then. Why did she buy more? She came with her sister and she was all dressed up. Her sister hugged me real big and we started to talk. The kids went on about the great time they were having. I continued to talk to my SIL when W said "I guess it is time we should be going"; like she could not wait to leave. Even the kids said "you just got here".

She never looked at me once; no eye contact. Why did she come?

I did give W a card and gold earrings. I wrote in the card that I was praying for our family to be together again, but no begging or pleading.

This was her response to my gift:

----------
Jeff,
I feel uncomfortable accepting the Christmas present you gave me. I feel like it sends you mixed messages and I know it confuses the children. Please don't do it anymore. You and I are in the business of raising children together and that is all. Your wishing otherwise does not make it so.

It's time to move on with this divorce. We should be kind, but practical. Please consider. This would be best for all of us.
----------

Nice. I have not responded. Part of me understands why she wrote this and part of me hurts.

I do read that she still cares or why did she write it. She is hurt and she wants so badly to detach; for me to go away. Gifts and such remind her of the past. She may be questioning things and that is bad from her point of view. She also did not have the kids at Christmas – that must have hurt and of course it is my entire fault. So I feel sad for her.

But I also read it as brutal, heartless and incredibly f'ing selfish of her. She doesn't have to wear the stupid things or even say "thanks" since she's clearly incapable of even civility right now...but to outright reject this small token of the past? What a joke....how incredibly rude and callous...and revealing of her character and mindset right now.

Mixed messages, confusing the children, wishing otherwise, be kind, be practical? Who is trying to control behavior here now?

After the anger subsides all that is left is sorrow; for what is lost and will never be.

So I am in a bit of a funk right now.

But I am realizing one thing: her reaction to the gift is changing my outlook. I must continue to work on this R. I am not ready to call it quits. I will let her move on with her life. I will even help. But I will prove to her and myself and my kids that I will continue to stand by us – I will not just walk away. If she wants to forget and totally detach, that is her call but I will not make that part easy for her. I will not just go away. I am through when I say, not her. Thanks Sheila.

So another page turns. I speak of detachment and that is good. But I forgot about true forgiveness and unconditional love. I must do all. That postures me to show her the Man I am and that I will be strong with or without her. I once wrote to someone here that you cannot do both: you either need to work on the R or move on. I was wrong. Now I feel I can do it together, that they can coexist – continue to work on the R and continue to move on. If I do my best in both, God will decide my fate.

[BaseballAnnie]

Oh, wow.

If I hadn't known that you wrote this, I wouldn't have believed it.

It doesn't sound like you at all.

I'm sorry but you are the one who comes across as selfish and controlling. Jeff's not getting his way and he's pissed.

"I will not just walk away. If she wants to forget and totally detach, that is her call but I will not make that part easy for her. I will not just go away. I am through when I say, not her. Thanks Sheila."

What is that? Pretty scary if you asked me. Reminds me of some of the things I have read on some of the guy's threads on MLC forum when they were very early on in their anger and hurt. Might want to revisit some of the advice given to Tamashii and Toncatt and Bworl about getting past that. I would also suggesting reading anything of Was2's that you can find.

I think the concepts of forgiveness and unconditional love and detachment are all bollixed up in your head right now. I also think that you have given nothing up to God. Because you, Jeff, have already decided what's the right outcome. You seem to keep insisting that you know better.

I don't know all the history of your interactions with your wife, but just based on what you wrote here, I can envision why she rejected your gift in the way that she did. She saw it as manipulative.

Sorry for the 2x4, buddy, but I thought you were way farther down the road than this. I recommend going back to detaching 101 (on the MLC resources thread) and go through that exercise over and over and over again.

peace,
BA