Dear AmyC, MLCer have history rewrite is because they need justification of what they're doing during their crisis?? When did you stop doing that (history rewrite) ? Thank you
First of all AmyC no longer posts here, however she is doing well from what I understand from some other people.
I think all people rewrite history, MLC'ers and LBS's together. If you went through childbirth, do you remember every single PAIN that you felt, or does the brain protect us and make those pains fade so the joy of bringing a child into the world supercedes the PAIN. So too I would say that we all re-write history to protect ourselves and the way we feel. Plus when you are in a fog you may see things differently than others see them around you.
I think it is best to focus on ourselves and not what the MLC'er feels and thinks.
I agree w/Cadet's posting. However, I do want to point out that you can't put a timeline on a person in crisis. Why? Because each person is unique, i.e., personality, childhood issues, etc. They will move through their crisis on their own timeline, which is always slower than a turtle in a race with the hare.
When a person is in crisis, they do not look at their situation the same way that we do. Yes, the marriage was a good one until the crisis hits, but in their minds, looking back, they tend to remember and select things that happened between the MLCer and LBS and continue to bring them up over and over again. Their memories are faulty. They look at the glass as half full or completely empty.
The LBS tends to think about things many, many months after the bomb drop and yes, we can see things far more clearly and we begin to think of the many flaws of our spouses and how they affected the relationship...this too can be considered rewriting history.
In the beginning we all try to find answers to the lock to open the door of the MLCer has shut tightly against us, but you can't reason w/them because they are on an emotional journey and they can be very irrational at times and will not listen to us. So, the best thing to do is sit quietly and allow the answers to come. You can't rush the process, you can't fix them because you didn't break them, therefor you need to focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your advise, I understand your point, we did not break them, we can not fix them; I appreciate your kindness and advise !! Husband accused me as the one who destroyed his life, although I know it is not true, felt badly after months. (I'm not strong enough to not listen to what he says)
I think there is value in knowing when things happen. Also yes everyone rewrites history a little but a MLC rewrites history hard, like it’s not even possible to be true, and not only that they rewrite it on a daily basis. A very simply example my wife says I have not loved you for like 9 years one day, then says 3 years another day when she is crying in my arms and sometimes says I have always loved you just not the way I used to lol. The main thing people are trying to figure out is where they sit in the MLC. It gives us hope to know that maybe something is progressing. Most people don't realize the MLC is happening till you are right in the thick of it. But just as another poster pointed out there is a multi-year depression with lots of signs.
I also want to point out this is a great thread but very little has been discussed in many cases about the history, specifically childhood and parental history of the MLC. I know in my case my wife has an INCREDIBLE resemblance to her mother’s MLC. Ironic given she won't accept that even though she clearly knows these facts about her upbringing.
Hi dcop, I agree with you, we are not obsessed with the stages of midlife crisis, but to know they are progressing be a good thing, I also agree with Job, Cadet, Heartsblessing that left behind spouse needs to focus more on ourselves, we have a journey to walk.
I learned from some other site, that people who's in his fog of midlife crisis is as selfish as selfish can be, since he/she never have the love before when he/she was raising and growing. All he/she thinks are me me me...
Job, except the runaway behavior(distant) during midlife crisis, is it true that they been really selfish ?
Job, except the runaway behavior(distant) during midlife crisis, is it true that they been really selfish ?
Not Job but I am sure she will pop in and offer her insight too. Yes it is my experience that most MLC'ers are very selfish. And most LBS's are codependent conflict avoiding enablers. So it really was a marriage where the two people fit together perfectly. Until that doesn't work anymore. Then explosion bomb drop and MLC.
As far as the stages go I warn you no one studied these more than myself. I kept looking for any sign that would explain all of this and where she was at.
I was convinced my wife had gone through every stage and could point at each sign. That FAILED miserably. Your spouse is likely in REPLAY and any change in this will not be known until quite a bit in the future when you look in the rear view mirror and see where you have been. For now - Let GO - Live your life "as if" and don't focus on the MLC'er because a watched pot NEVER boils.
Cadet, thank you for reply, I stopped texting husband and no talk of relationship two weeks ago. I'm not going to have dinner with them at New Year's Eve. I don't think it's a good idea for me to show though its the tradition to do so.
I watched Michelle's video of midlife crisis, I understand it does no good to point to the man/woman when they are in their crisis.
So I just be quiet and let him find the way out ? Oh I do have a question - what's OW withdrawal ?
Babe, Do you have a thread here in the MLC Forum? If not, please start one. It's easier for others to follow your situation if you have your own thread. That way we can answer your questions and you can go back and refer to them often.
To answer your questions yes, sit quietly and leave him alone to figure things out. You can't help him.
OW withdrawal is when the OW is no longer in the picture. They exhibit many signs just as a drug addict, gambler, sex addict, alcoholic exhibit when they don't get their fix.
You will have more responses and different views if you start your own thread here in the MLC Forum.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
