DD stays w/me every other week in the family home. I'm a LBS...
Me - 46 She - 36 Daughter - 10 Married 10 yrs 1st Bomb Date 12/17/06 (Merry Christmas!) D Bomb in January (Happy New Year!) Every other week custody of D10 She has OM who helped her walk away Divorced 07/05/07
DD stays w/me every other week in the family home. I'm a LBS...
She basically moved out with her mother. I think that's the most self-centered thing a mother can do. Uproot the child. It's not the same to "go home" every other week.
WAW's can do this and DO do this. But if you have other "signs" that it's MLC for your wife, I'd say this is one more.
If I can let my inner redneck out for just a sec, to me, her head "just ain't right".
Only you'll know for sure.
Look to her past (specifically, her childhood) for more clues.
Amy, not only the new folks benefit, but some of us "old timers" do also. Perhaps my x will also "wake up", and I'll be better prepared in part thanks to your posts. On the other hand, perhaps she never will and that's why its important for folks to look after themselves and move along. For the new folks, yes, you can do both. Important to note, some few never do "wake up" and remain stuck. Thanks again Amy.
I am of the opinion that the reason for that is pride. Especially in men.
The HARDEST thing for me was turning around and saying I'd been wrong. I had to also go to my mother, my sister, my aunt and worst of all, my Grandma, and tell them, try to make them understand, that I did not see things for what they truly were and that I bore a good sized chunk of the blame for the state of my marriage. See, if your spouse is an unchanging ass and you have an affair, you've justified yourself. I did. But if you find out your perception was flat-out WRONG, you just become an adulterer. It was hard to realize that's all I was. Lost though I may have been, I'd prayed for God to show me myself as HE saw me and THAT is just ONE thing He showed me about myself. Each visit, each phone call looming before me back then was another opportunity for me to just run. I came so close... Facing my husband was the worst. It was a long process. That "talk" was actually more a series of talks. But I could have cut and run at any time and I sure as hell wanted to MANY times. But when you find yourself face down in the carpet night after night for 2 weeks straight and all you can do is cry and say "help me" because you can ACTUALLY feel the pain you've caused the one who loved you the most in the world, you'll do whatever He requires and He required that I go to my husband. He required that I go to my family and set things right.
I think all MLCers wake up.
I just don't think they all "own up".
It is the single most difficult task I have ever undertaken in my life.
Amy, again many thanks. From what I understand of my x, many of the friends and family have had "the talk" with her. As you have stated, they slowly peel away and want nothing more to do with a MLCer, because the rewrites don't add up, the fiction is seen for what it is - pure fiction. Perhaps then comes reality - nobody is buying the story (including new "friends") and the MLCer finds themselves finally alone? Of interest, in the last few months, that topic of "pride" has made its way into conversation with former friends (they want nothing to do with her) of the x. They've brought it up, not me. They firmley believe it's a "sticking point" - MLCer cannot admit (openly) they made a mistake, rather would be miserable than to "own up". Does that strike a cord with you? I've learned of these things slowly over the last year from my room mate. She was my former x's best friend for over a decade and she brought this topic up a few weeks ago (amongst other friends)((Room mate is just that - nothing more going on between us)). Room mate has had no contact with my x in over a year and a half. Me, three years. I observed x from a few feet away the other morning, me in car stuck at traffic light, x walking in crosswalk. Being polite as I can in describing her appearance - "bag lady", only thing missing was "pushing a shopping cart" with her belongings in it. Did it get that bad? Did it "feel" that bad? It really hurt to see her that way.
Amy, How do I leave the door open for my W to return but not actually say anything to her about it?
You decide to.
You must know, though, if you decide that come hell or high water, you are going to stand for your marriage, rest assured that making that decision will be the last simple thing you do. Hell and high water will both come. They'll come often and sometimes they'll even come together before you have time to take a deep breath.
As long as you know that and still decide to stand, it is possible to do it quietly, effectively and with grace. It will take more than you know you have within yourself. You will have to dig deep and eat a lot of crow.
There is plenty of room here at the table.
Make a list. Write down your reasons to stand. You know the basic ones; kids, vows before God, etc.... Now look closer at the very heart of your relationship. There you will find the reasons that will enable you to endure.
Amy, again many thanks. From what I understand of my x, many of the friends and family have had "the talk" with her. As you have stated, they slowly peel away and want nothing more to do with a MLCer, because the rewrites don't add up, the fiction is seen for what it is - pure fiction. Perhaps then comes reality - nobody is buying the story (including new "friends") and the MLCer finds themselves finally alone? Of interest, in the last few months, that topic of "pride" has made its way into conversation with former friends (they want nothing to do with her) of the x. They've brought it up, not me. They firmley believe it's a "sticking point" - MLCer cannot admit (openly) they made a mistake, rather would be miserable than to "own up". Does that strike a cord with you? I've learned of these things slowly over the last year from my room mate. She was my former x's best friend for over a decade and she brought this topic up a few weeks ago (amongst other friends)((Room mate is just that - nothing more going on between us)). Room mate has had no contact with my x in over a year and a half. Me, three years. I observed x from a few feet away the other morning, me in car stuck at traffic light, x walking in crosswalk. Being polite as I can in describing her appearance - "bag lady", only thing missing was "pushing a shopping cart" with her belongings in it. Did it get that bad? Did it "feel" that bad? It really hurt to see her that way.
I'm just staring at your words and I'm stunned. That is so sad...
Amy, not only the new folks benefit, but some of us "old timers" do also. Perhaps my x will also "wake up", and I'll be better prepared in part thanks to your posts. On the other hand, perhaps she never will and that's why its important for folks to look after themselves and move along. For the new folks, yes, you can do both. Important to note, some few never do "wake up" and remain stuck. Thanks again Amy.
GB, If I might chime in here, having spent some time in MLC myself and now witnessing my H going through, I think that I can safely agree with Amy.
PRIDE is a huge factor, it almost goes against human nature not just to admit that you are wrong but to come back AND ask for forgiveness. The thought is overwhelming. Add to it an MLCer's in bred insecurities and lack of direction and well, you got a big pot of mess brewing. It is much easier to run and hide with someone new than to face your demons, lies, and move on. I think that they also suffer from a tremendous amount of guilt, almost paralyzingly so. They really are lost and when the fog lifts, the guilt is just too much. So much time has passed that nothing is really as they can try to remember it to be.
I guess with regard to your W specifically, if she is amongst those that does wake up and you are still standing she will be lucky.
