Amy, again many thanks. From what I understand of my x, many of the friends and family have had "the talk" with her. As you have stated, they slowly peel away and want nothing more to do with a MLCer, because the rewrites don't add up, the fiction is seen for what it is - pure fiction. Perhaps then comes reality - nobody is buying the story (including new "friends") and the MLCer finds themselves finally alone? Of interest, in the last few months, that topic of "pride" has made its way into conversation with former friends (they want nothing to do with her) of the x. They've brought it up, not me. They firmley believe it's a "sticking point" - MLCer cannot admit (openly) they made a mistake, rather would be miserable than to "own up". Does that strike a cord with you? I've learned of these things slowly over the last year from my room mate. She was my former x's best friend for over a decade and she brought this topic up a few weeks ago (amongst other friends)((Room mate is just that - nothing more going on between us)). Room mate has had no contact with my x in over a year and a half. Me, three years. I observed x from a few feet away the other morning, me in car stuck at traffic light, x walking in crosswalk. Being polite as I can in describing her appearance - "bag lady", only thing missing was "pushing a shopping cart" with her belongings in it. Did it get that bad? Did it "feel" that bad? It really hurt to see her that way.
GB- Wow. Big WOW. This is heartbreakingly sad. I am so sorry.
As for me being in MLC was sort of like marbles rolling around in my head and maybe even my heart. It was a dull pain, I cried alot so I justfied my behavior by being mean and using other people's niceness to me as their weakness and took advantage. I often thought that running away was the answer. If only I could get away from all of these nagging people who had made my life so miserable all of this time. CRAZY.
It did not feel "Bag Ladyish" to me but felt heavy. That is the only way to describe it. HEAVY. You are not in your right mind at all and you feel justified. I know one thing for sure. She will have to come to you when she feels that it is safe to do so. Not to give false hope but if she is looking that bad/lost ... she needs a friend. Maybe you could just reach out as a friend. Nothing heavy, just a touching base sort of thing so that she can see that she can feel safe when she is ready. Just my thoughts, wish you well.
Oh, before I forget... Not uncommon for friends and family to sort of pull back from the MLCer. I recently spoke with MIL and SIL both of whom state that H is in a place where no one can go and that he will have to find his way out. When this all started to go down his older brother went to see H everyday. His sister called often and sent emails frequently, came in at least twice from Florida. His best friend called often. No one comes near it now.
All I can say is wow. Your posts are very powerful reading. I do not know whether my W is in MLC (she just turned 31 and I don't know how much of a determinant age is).
She has rewritten our history, to be sure, BUT she works very hard to make sure I am not made out to be a bad person when she tells others of our separation/impending D. So, it seems to be a contradiction from what I understand those in MLC do.
Nonetheless, reading your posts are very inspriring, so thanks for that.
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
This is a great thread. Thank you all. I am learning many valuable things.
Amy, I am still not clear on how you convey to your spouse that they can come home without actually telling them. I am standing for my M. I consider my W to be sick and I would never leave her while she was sick. But this whole issue of price detering that perosn from coming abck scares me. I want her to feel that she can come back whenever she is ready, but I think telling her outright is not a good idea.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
My take on age and MLC...well there are life transitons. The MidLC comes at about 35-45. But there is a Quarter in the early-mid 20s, and an age 30 transition is rather common.
It is my feeling that at these transitions there are greater opportunities for resolving former issues--such as those from childhood. Those who do not resolve them will carry them to the next transition...and as things continue unresolved the crises will become worse.
Transitions need not be Crises, but those who run from the growth opportunity have crises.
As for your wife not bad-mouthing or blaming...not all do. Sweetheart had a few days of Monster, and rarely bad-mouthed me. The OW told me he wasn't negative about me--and that was during his early Replay.
All I can say is wow. Your posts are very powerful reading. I do not know whether my W is in MLC (she just turned 31 and I don't know how much of a determinant age is).
She has rewritten our history, to be sure, BUT she works very hard to make sure I am not made out to be a bad person when she tells others of our separation/impending D. So, it seems to be a contradiction from what I understand those in MLC do.
Nonetheless, reading your posts are very inspriring, so thanks for that.
Same as in my sitch, my W is definatly MLC though, all other signs are there especially the confusion. Funny though is the fact that since I have detached she seems to be extra nice to me, must be her confusion.
Amyc,
I got ALOT out of what you have written and now thanks to you have a much better understanding of what she is going through emotionally.
Very interesting reading, thank you! I think with my W, she went through a transition at 30 centering on children. I think she really wants them, and at the time I did not. She saw all of her friends getting pregnant/having children and I think it affected her more than I know.
Also, interesting that you talked about not all WAS's bad-mouthing the LBS. Thank you, you have given me things to think about for sure!
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
You're correct, telling her outright is not a good idea.
You show her by being consistent. Be forgiving. BE her safe place--so no judging. If she files--contesting can show you do not want it.
Validate her feelings...ex. she feels she needs a divorce or it is the only way
...validate, tell her you realize that and accept her feelings, and yet you disagree. It is okay to disagree...feelings are not right or wrong, so validate and help her to feel safe.
The tough part is to be soft and forgive--the safe place while also remaining firm when appropriate...no enabling, she will push your buttons to test your new strength and lack of arguing and judging. Understand that she is testing--often deliberately. That is why consistency is so important...do not fear the anger...mantiaing peace and forgiveness.
[quote=Lost_for_now] Funny though is the fact that since I have detached she seems to be extra nice to me, must be her confusion.
That's interesting that you say that, it seems to mirror my sitch as well. The more I find that I am able to detach the more she tries to contact me. And when I do not respond, she will get angry.
Current thread
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
