Jessieht, just want to send you some validation and encouragement. The first six months or so of living with H again was REALLY hard. H was too depressed and anxious to be a fully present partner. As MWD says (forgot if it was in DB or one of the essays on this site), you will need to get your goodies elsewhere. I continued to rely on friends and dug deep into my hobbies. I wish I had done this even more, actually. Because there were times when I felt really weighed down by H’s mood and I resented having to deal with Aloof and Grumpy H when he was the one who hurt me and he should be the one bending over backwards to make my life as easy as possible. Needless to say, this mindset doesn’t help anyone.
It makes total sense to me that your H’s return has been rough, too. Hang in there. Keep doing your own thing. Focus on your healing.
I’m quite a sci-fi guy. I’m looked up Dark Matter and also found another Dark Matter show from a few years ago which also sounds interesting. So, two new shows added to my list.
I love hearing that things are going well. The camping trip sounded wonderful. And H’s initiating and proposing ideas are all good positive indicators and steps.
Keep walking the path. You well know H is still some times on his timeline. Kind of unfair having to do the loin’s share, I get it. It takes a while for them to feel comfortable in their skin and to come around to our forgiveness and their own. The latter likely feeling as their most insurmountable obstacle.
Most wise words to not take on a cross which isn’t your’s to bear.
Have a great day dear marching. I loved reading your update.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi, Marching. It was so great to read your update. I'm a little bit earlier in the piecing and/or reconciliation process, also with some MLC + depression or anxiety involved, and it is comforting to hear some similarities. My W is doing better communicating what she wants, initiating things for us to do together, and seemingly struggling with a bit of "I feel bad for pulling the D lever to try and address what I'm experiencing". I can relate to wanting a spouse to step up the pace and, much like you, remind myself that it will take the time it must. And, we can't lose the hard-won gains we've made in our growth, development, and GALing.
When our MC asked me to talk a bit about why W should be confident that I wouldn't drift back into previous behaviors I may have engaged in that contributed to our marital challenges, I could see her surprise when I said "Well, I've made the changes because I'm a better person for re-shaping my behaviors and habits for my betterment and to be a better relationship partner for anyone who I could meet when I expected W could D me". We are "the prize" and worth sharing a relationship with. Best wishes back to you and I look forward to your next update.
Thank you so much. my h starts to do better and then it cycles back. this last month has been really hard with his anger. He will have fits of absolute rage and then turn into basically a 6 year old boy that is trying to make me happy like he would his mother. He has told me that he realizes that he only focuses on the negative of me. he has been home for about 11 months now. it is nice to read peoples stories that are a bit ahead of me so I can learn from their successes and mistakes. Glad you all are still moving forward.
