Antidepressant Crisis?

[buck1]

Hi everybody, it's been 10 months since my last post. Here's an update:
(It turned out to be really long; I'm just looking for any thoughts/comments on my situation if anyone feels like wading through this mess :-) )

(Summary till now for newcomers to the thread: I've been married just once to my STBX for over 35 years. We've had great times, but also bad times where she's verbally and physically abused me. We have three awesome, successful adult children together. Last October, my STBX informed me she'd "checked out" of the marriage a couple years earlier and no longer found me attractive. Plus she said I was unable to emotionally connect with her. She said I was a great guy and deserved someone who adored me. First I wanted to save the marriage until she admitted she's been having a second affair (I had forgiven affair #1 years earlier). So I decided I'd "had it" and wanted my freedom).

My STBX and I are planning on divorcing this winter so she can stay on my work medical plan until she's eligible for Medicare (my suggestion since I've been trying to help her with a "soft landing" in this process).

In January I started therapy. My therapist helped me realize my STBX is a narcissist. My daughter has confirmed this in her own conversations with me even though I didn't knowingly give her any prompting to come to that conclusion.

Since my STBX saw how distraught i was at her prolific dating activities (since we were still living together), she encouraged me to start a Bumble profile and get dates on my own. I reluctantly agreed and she helped me start my profile.

I was surprised at how much positive attention I got. I was also surprised that my text game seemed to be pretty darn good.

We decided we HAD to live separately for obvious reasons. Financially the only way we could make it work was for her to start taking Social Security earlier than planned to cover most of her rent. When a small house opened up for rent just 100 yards away, we both decided it would be mutually beneficial for me to remain close for several reasons. Plus, I loved the location. So I moved out in the early Spring this year.

After moving out, I was dating a "rotation" of 6-7 women at once, which took up ALL my free time. I eventually settled into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with one which I had the best connection with.

My STBX agreed from the start that the two of us would remain "amicable" and friendly, so that we could support each other in the transition and be able to enjoy family time together with our kids. Our separation agreement doesn't contain specific financial details, but was based on "mutual trust" that I'd make sure she was OK. I definitely wanted our kids to know I wasn't trying to financially "screw over their mom" or anything like that. This turned out to be a mistake.

We agreed to equally split our retirement accounts when we divorce later this year; I figured this was just assumed since we're in a community property state. I've been supporting her financially in the amount of about $2K/month (sometimes more because of unexpected one-time expenses I agreed to cover). For example, I let her charge all her groceries on a joint card which I pay, I pay vet expenses for her sick dog, I make her $1100 car and $250 insurance payments, her cell phone bill, and some others.

In spite of this, she seemed angry at seeing my spend a small amount of money on my recreation (local skiing, gas for hiking, etc.), and insisted I give her money for her own recreation. I said no, since we had already split our income and expenses (with me covering part of hers as outlined above) so we now keep our own budgets. I'm buying her a beautiful new car but I'm driving and old beater which I can't afford to replace, so I think I'm being for than fair. My therapist thinks I've been letting her take advantage of me. I keep saying I can't just "cut her off" yet since she's not ready to fully support herself.

We still maintained a reasonably friendly relationship until she met my girlfriend in my driveway. Shortly after that I received an email from her divorce attorney threatening to re-negotiate our separation agreement and include spousal support. So I found my own attorney to protect myself and hopefully avoid any formal support agreement. Although I'm paying enough for her now that maybe it should be "official" support instead of just her randomly charging things on the joint card.

Now she seems somewhat hostile to me and barely responds to my messages unless she absolutely has to send a brief response. I feel she has wronged me more than I have wronged her so maybe she's trying to reduce her feelings of guilt. I would still love to remain friendly but she doesn't seem interested from her actions. I have no idea what kind of dating success she's having. She's very charismatic and beautiful with a great figure (not just for her age) so I'm sure she attracts men like crazy. I just have no clue if she's connection with anyone.

I have a great relationship with our kids and I definitely want them to maintain a close relationship with their mom. However I feel like they are becoming more sympathetic to me in this issue. If my STBX senses that, I can assume it drives her crazy. She adores her kids and seeks their adoration back.

Financially I've always been the breadwinner, working corporate jobs our entire marriage and letting her do basically whatever side business or part-time job she wants. I gross the low six-figures and she grosses about $40K. However I'm losing my job early next year via "downsizing". I don't plan on seeking another job unless I have to since I have a plan to hopefully support myself with the help of Social Security. So my attorney thinks that me losing my job will help keep me from having to pay support. I feel that if she wants more money, she needs to find more work (she barely works at all during the summer).

I feel her best friend, who divorced her husband for "lack of connection" before my STBX gave me the BD, is influencing her. She's wealthy so I suspect she's also paying for her attorney.

I'm starting to become paranoid and wonder if I need to accelerate the separation of our finances. This would include joint bank accounts and credit cards, plus getting a court order to split our 401K, etc. I'm currently planning on continuing to pay for her car since I'm on the loan and I don't think we could refinance it in her name anyway due to the car's value and her lack of income.

Thanks if you made it this far!

[DnJ]

Good Morning buck

It’s good to hear from you. I see your life and living arrangements have changed a bit. It sounds like you are doing alright, yet I sense an underlying tone of worry and doubt regarding your course. Reluctantly starting a dating ID, moving out, a vague financial arrangement between you and STBXW, etc.

Separating, divorce, treat it like a business deal gone sideways.

There are two paths: the emotional/healing path and the business path. When dealing with the business path, be business-like. When dealing with the emotional/healing path, embrace that course. Don’t mix up the paths.

You’ve asked for some thoughts and comments.

My STBX agreed from the start that the two of us would remain "amicable" and friendly, so that we could support each other in the transition and be able to enjoy family time together with our kids. Our separation agreement doesn't contain specific financial details, but was based on "mutual trust" that I'd make sure she was OK. I definitely wanted our kids to know I wasn't trying to financially "screw over their mom" or anything like that. This turned out to be a mistake.

I do understand your good intentions. How big a mistake are you figuring you’re in?

Be business-like. Do you really think, not feel, think that STBXW and you still have mutual trust? She is not on team buck1. She had, is having an affair. Her labelled (and behaving) as a narcissist by your therapist, daughter, and others (be the label true or not) is a big red flag and indicator of a likely extreme self-first gaslighting efforts.

My STBX and I are planning on divorcing this winter so she can stay on my work medical plan until she's eligible for Medicare (my suggestion since I've been trying to help her with a "soft landing" in this process).

Divorce doesn’t have soft landings. It’s harsh and painful. Then one heals from it. Society would do otherwise, soften it, normalize it, which just makes it easier to throw in the towel instead of working to repair that which people vowed.

We decided we HAD to live separately for obvious reasons. Financially the only way we could make it work was for her to start taking Social Security earlier than planned to cover most of her rent. When a small house opened up for rent just 100 yards away, we both decided it would be mutually beneficial for me to remain close for several reasons. Plus, I loved the location. So I moved out in the early Spring this year.

What benefit is there in remaining to live close? Both decided it would be mutually beneficial, or were you talked into it? Or swayed into it? Kids are all grown successful adults, no need to live close to her. You could live across town. Or she could’ve moved.

Point being, your decisions need to be your’s. Not joint. She is leaving, she doesn’t get a say in your future anymore. Make your decisions, own them. You are going to have to live them.

We agreed to equally split our retirement accounts when we divorce later this year; I figured this was just assumed since we're in a community property state. I've been supporting her financially in the amount of about $2K/month (sometimes more because of unexpected one-time expenses I agreed to cover). For example, I let her charge all her groceries on a joint card which I pay, I pay vet expenses for her sick dog, I make her $1100 car and $250 insurance payments, her cell phone bill, and some others.

Assuming is not a great strategy. You’ve built up a bit of a financial precedent here.

In spite of this, she seemed angry at seeing my spend a small amount of money on my recreation (local skiing, gas for hiking, etc.), and insisted I give her money for her own recreation. I said no, since we had already split our income and expenses (with me covering part of hers as outlined above) so we now keep our own budgets. I'm buying her a beautiful new car but I'm driving and old beater which I can't afford to replace, so I think I'm being for than fair. My therapist thinks I've been letting her take advantage of me. I keep saying I can't just "cut her off" yet since she's not ready to fully support herself.

I agree with your therapist. And yes, STBXW is going to get angry. You said no to her.

We still maintained a reasonably friendly relationship until she met my girlfriend in my driveway. Shortly after that I received an email from her divorce attorney threatening to re-negotiate our separation agreement and include spousal support. So I found my own attorney to protect myself and hopefully avoid any formal support agreement. Although I'm paying enough for her now that maybe it should be "official" support instead of just her randomly charging things on the joint card.

So, she had/has an attorney. Likely all along. Yet you weren’t suppose to. Just trust her. Yeah, not.

Now, she’s threaten to re-negotiate.

The reasonably friendly relationship between you two is/was obviously tenuous at best. Meeting your girlfriend pushed STBXW to anger, or perhaps her and OM had a fight, or she’s coming to grips with her new life, or whatever.

Good for you hiring a L. Speak with them. Find out your rights, what can be negotiated, and what cannot. I don’t know the informal agreement, however it doesn’t sound all that binding if she can just threaten to end it.

I’d get things more sorted out with your L. An attorney who is on team buck1. Look after yourself, no one else in this divorce will.

Financially I've always been the breadwinner, working corporate jobs our entire marriage and letting her do basically whatever side business or part-time job she wants. I gross the low six-figures and she grosses about $40K. However I'm losing my job early next year via "downsizing". I don't plan on seeking another job unless I have to since I have a plan to hopefully support myself with the help of Social Security. So my attorney thinks that me losing my job will help keep me from having to pay support. I feel that if she wants more money, she needs to find more work (she barely works at all during the summer).

The downsizing sounds like it is coming around the time you’re thinking of retiring. That may afford an opportunity. However, the wage disparity over the marriage will likely get addressed in some form of spousal support. Depending upon other factors and negotiations. Your lawyer will know and help you sort through it.

I'm starting to become paranoid and wonder if I need to accelerate the separation of our finances. This would include joint bank accounts and credit cards, plus getting a court order to split our 401K, etc. I'm currently planning on continuing to pay for her car since I'm on the loan and I don't think we could refinance it in her name anyway due to the car's value and her lack of income.

Speak with your lawyer.

Be business-like.

Divorce/separation is the biggest, or one of the biggest, financial decisions of one’s life. And one is hurting, lost, more easily manipulated than normal, still acting upon years of trust, etc. Do not make such life decisions without legal guidance.

Hope you are having an enjoyable weekend.

D

[buck1]

Thank you so much for reading through this and providing such a thoughtful reply! You gave me much to think about.

I'll respond to a couple things off the top of my head.

I do understand your good intentions. How big a mistake are you figuring you’re in?

Maybe not a huge mistake except for the fact that it gave her attorney a foothold to send the initial "threat" to me with the claim that the agreement was totally unfair to my STBXW. Of course it is an unfair agreement because it doesn't specify the things I'm voluntarily giving to her outside of the agreement. So maybe if we had specified everything up front, there wouldn't be much for her and her attorney to latch onto. At the time I thought that specifying everything would be too much legal red-tape to deal with because "of course she could trust me", based on almost 40 years of knowing my character. So leaving it out was my idea and she said she agreed with it at the time.

Good for you hiring a L. Speak with them. Find out your rights, what can be negotiated, and what cannot. I don’t know the informal agreement, however it doesn’t sound all that binding if she can just threaten to end it.

The separation agreement is supposed to be binding. But the "threat" from her attorney claimed that if I didn't renegotiate, a "Motion to Vacate" would be filed with a good chance of being granted by the court, based on how much the agreement leaves out (even though my STBXW signed it). But the separation agreement does specifically exclude spousal support, so my attorney thinks that gives me a good chance of getting out of that (with my job ending in January being another factor in my favor).

Hope you are having an enjoyable weekend.

I'm having a great weekend! I'm visiting one of our sons for a few days.

Thanks again!