Valeska: thanks for stopping by. You know I appreciate your compliments, comments and even the 2x4s. It's not always easy to see what you point out. I don't get offended when you point out what you see. I don't always see what you see.
Grief/Emotions makes the waters murky. Those who are detached can see more clearly.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska
That being said - I'm still struggling to see why you engage with him so much. I know it doesn't feel like it to you because you don't initiate contact, but when he does - IMHO you linger too long in the conversation.
Your comments reinforce that he's using charming monster to manipulate me. You call it breadcrumbs. As that what you're saying? I trust that I'll know if H is trying and I do see some effort. Some change in his behavior since last year. Still, it's not true and consistent effort to call it 'trying'. I'm finding that H takes advantage of my reach outs for business stuff. He's being opportunistic. In his mind, H isn't reaching out; I am. I need a signature and bam, he brings along his list of needs, but is subtle about approaching his requests. My way of telling him that I'm catching on was to ask on a couple occasions, "Is that why you're here?". My intuition knew something was off. Now I need a boundary.
He could easily have signed the paperwork and left it in the mailbox. I should've seen that coming. I know better.
I wouldn't say he's being charming... more so that is that he's trying to do the same dance. You have always been there. You have always chosen him first. He is losing it that - and whether or not he still loves you - it's uncomfortable for HIM. Therefore he will find ways to keep the dance going.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska
Also FYI - the reason he can reschedule all the time is because NOTHING is that important for him to get. All of this stuff could be fixed. He could put a change of address at the post office. He could get get a new passport.
I'm not concerned with possible late bills or others that may have piled up at the house. That's his problem for sure. It's more that I need a barrier for his opportunistic approaches. And, I need to be better at sniffing it out.
Originally Posted by Valeska
Who cares if he is uncomfortable or sad or busy or whatever. It's not that there isn't compassion... but he CHOSE this. He CONTINUES to choose this. Do whatever you can to allow him to hit bottom.
I desire rock bottom, as you know. I'm not overly concerned with his problems. Are you saying that I shouldn't have validated at all? Kept texts to business task topic?
In your situation - I would say yes.
The reason is because it would be a 180 for you. It would be a 180 in the dynamic of your relationship. I'm not saying to say anything back to him. In fact - I wouldn't say anything at all in regards to his whining about work. Again - I really think this is more about him trying to make sure the old dynamic is in play versus anything else.
Originally Posted by MamaG
[quote=Valeska]I personally think this is the thing you need to get a 2x4 for...lol. You are still looking at breadcrumbs as some kind of connection.
They say around here is that if/when your partner recommits - you will have NO DOUBT. This the not the case. H3LL he could be reaching out for all kinds of reasons... that have NOTHING to do with you.
I see him needing a few items before his Jan trip, including a suitcase and his clothing. That's why I was looking for feedback on the drafted boundary. Yes, I'm still working on articulating and delivering boundaries.
Well here are my suggestions. None of these are articulated to your H. They are about you.
1. Stop letting him come over to the house - period. You have adult children. There are no reasons for this (and please don't say the dogs). If he needs a suitcase - he can go buy one. If he needed his passport - you could be kind enough to mail it to him... or he could get a new one.
2. Learn to ignore texts that are meaningless.
He asks about your Thanksgiving... don't respond. He says he's tired at work... say "If you still want these things - this is the only time I have available".
3. Learn to put limitations on conversations.
IF there is rare case that he MUST come over or MUST talk to you - put it in front of an appointment.
For example: You have church at 11a. He could come over at 10a. That way you aren't relying on just your strong will to end the conversation first. You actually have some help along the way.
I hope this helps. I do understand how difficult it is to let go. The more you can look for meaning in your actions versus asking why your H is doing his will help.
Small baby steps still lead to the path of healing.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
