Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Mama,

I can see the progress you're making! I too am so grateful for the support received here - thank you DnJ and everyone for your gentle encouragement.

First of all, I'm glad to hear that your H is getting medication. Depression is real and medication really can help. It may not bring him back, but hopefully it helps him find some relief for his troubles. I think it's a great first step, and I love that he's gotten a dog. The dog will be good for him, I hope. If he can heal, maybe there's hope for your M - if that's what you decide you want.

One of the things that really helped me about 5 years ago when things were bad, and I was feeling sorry for myself was reminding myself that if he chooses to walk away, ignore me, etc is that it's HIS LOSS!!! You are an awesome lady and if he can't/couldn't see that, then that's on him, not you!! You don't feel sorry for yourself, you feel sorry for HIM.

What gets me is that I miss H's company, jokes, embrace, comfort...etc. and these thoughts slap me in the face all too often. Still.

This is hard... Even if you find a new person, you might always miss something about him. I have known my H since I was 12 years old. We have a lot of shared history. It's like that old song "Always Something There to Remind Me." Yep... it's hard. Like experiencing a death. I think that's why we hold on so tightly. It's kind of all that we know, for better or for worse.

But - your detachment is exactly the right thing to be doing. Time to let go of his drama, stand tall, move forward and focus on your own enjoyment.

Now I need to follow my own advice!

[RegretfulLA]

Time.

From the front end it is near impossible to distinguish. A crisis being a transition gone very much into the weeds.

Basically, a crisis is just worse all around. A crisis lasts longer. Much longer. And progresses glacially slow.

A crisis is consuming. A MLCer is lost. A very lost soul.

Two major hallmarks of a midlife crisis are depression and confusion. The exhibited running behaviour is the desperate person trying to get away from their unrealized unexplained inner torment.

Desperate! Desperate people do desperate things.

Hurt! Hurt people, hurt people.

A crisis is truly horrible. Emotions and torment cranked to eleven, and even passed that.

We all go through various life stages. The midlife transition is a time of recollection, recognizing, reconciling, life’s accolades and regrets; achievements and failures; and such. A transition itself can be tumultuous full of disorder and chaos or more smooth depending upon the individuals past, personality, ability to accept, and a host of other variables. My own transition was rather smooth methinks.

Exiting into the next stage of life can take various paths too, depending upon one’s life to that point.

Myself, I found, I am, happy with my past marriage, my kids, my career, my life. Such leads to a time of peace and contentment, IMHO. I’ve accumulated very few regrets over my years.

Some exit or find their golden years less golden. Such an exit being more of resigned to their lot in life, rather than looking forward to it. We’ve all seen those grumpy people grumbling away. Eyes and outlook more downcast than upward and forward looking.

Midlife, like all transitions, is about acceptance. It’s a loss. One must grieve it. One must find their acceptance with it. No one gets a do-over here, and those that cannot find peace with that, get caught and tangled in the transition. Desperately trying to relive what they feel is their lost youth/life. A bad transition may buy the red sport car, a horrible crisis will burn down their entire life.

Each is seeking their path towards acceptance.

Time.

A MLT builds upon one’s successful life stages thus far. A MLC is seeded from long ago unknown trauma(s). A lot more growing up to do in a crisis.

Time.

Transitions take time.

A crisis takes much more time. And some never exit.

This is gold - is there a way to pin this for future MLC spouses? It really explains so much about what a MLC is all about - it's so hard to understand for those of us on the other side.

[MamaG]

Hello all!
The weekend was great in so many ways. I volunteered my heart out with people I've known my entire life and loved every minute of it. Amazing how volunteering can be fun! It was both tiring and rewarding. Only once was I asked where H was. All others, despite knowing H has moved out were super respectful and didn't ask. People feel badly for me and know I've had a rough year both medically and R wise. I can feel the empathy and concern, but definitely don't sulk in the attention - it's just not my style.

You were right! H never stopped by. He avoided and I imagine he had a tough weekend. It is what it is.

As you've recommended, I've changed my prayers - I pray for his peace and progress. H is in God's hands and I trust He will care for both our hearts.

I found I eventually made peace with it. We had 3 decades together. Her company, jokes, embrace, and such. 30 years! I was that fortunate!

More focusing on what I have than what is lost. Acceptance.

I really like this! I had 32 years with H and all these warm benefits. We shared many moments, kids, weekends, vacations, laughs, etc. That is a gift to hold regardless of the future. No need to regret nor fret.

We have a couple peach trees that some years don't produce crop. But, I can tell you that when there is crop, there is an abundance. I spent some time cleaning up peaches this afternoon. Subtle winds force the peaches to fall off the branches and they get bruised. Certainly, the hundreds (potentially near a thousand) peaches on one tree alone is way more than any human to consume even after sharing. I may end up with some bears tonight as I threw so many peaches into the woods that treated me to poison ivy this summer. Those peaches should be enjoyed by someone!

I applied for a new job - one with less responsibility and no direct reports. Based on how things are shaping up, I'll likely get an offer next week and I look forward to a new adventure. This should help me with my healing, finding time for poochies and resolving the household tasks that continue to surface. I'm looking for less stress and a slower pace to the everyday craze.

I'm taking some time off between the jobs to allow for some repairs, medical appts and a visit with S. Looking forward to next week.

And bc of medical leave this year (and staying employed by the same company), I have 6 weeks of vacation time to use before year end. It may be difficult to use it all, but I'll certainly give it a try!

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I’m glad the weekend went well. Sounds like it was very fulfilling.

You and I could trade. I’ve got a pile of apples on my trees. I did have loads of nectarines as well, however it seems squirrels really like them. They disappeared right off the branches, even up high, higher than a deer would reach. And nothing left on the ground either. My mom, kids, and I did get a quite a few feeds of the yummy fruit. The pears were a bust this year.

Having six weeks of vacation to use up before year end is a good problem to have. lol. I was in that boat as well. 33 years career. Now, everyday is a vacation. Hmmm, that’s an even better problem to have. Haha.

Have a great visit with son and hope the appointments go well.

D