Returning newbie here

[grok]

Hey lonelee,

Again I appreciate any additional support you all can give because I literally feel very alone in this journey. I have reached out for counselling, and am waiting for call backs as I'm looking for additional support and coping strategies.

Thank you all for listening, again

I felt like this too. Start reading threads you see linked in the stickies or .. heck, I try to put a pile of links in my threads. Go back and read through them.

Or there are 14! threads of quotes. (big thanks to Ready2Change) Read, track back to the source link if it resonates, and read the thread.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943653

You are far from alone. Even if we are not physically present to give you a {{hug}}.

go ahead and let it all out here. even if we don't always reply all the time. As Caligirl just said to me the other day -

I find this the safest place to do it as we have all been in or are in the same raft .

...back to work for me....

g

[Caligirl]

Lonelee

The best thing you can do for yourself is to not even engage in any of the talk about how he feels or what he feeds you . Right now he is all mixed up . Do not respond . Few members on here pointed out and the more I dive deeper in this I see too , our spouses become very good liars . They also know how to get us to soften . When they feel you pull away , they try to rope you back . Do not take the bait . You will stumble . It’s ok we all do . Eventually you will learn to just pause and not react . Takes time . I’ve fallen overboard off the raft as grok quoted earlier . I was drowning . I came here and many members jumped in to help be back on . That little bit of normal or calm you felt while not talking about your R strive for that again .

[DnJ]

Good Morning lone

all of that was him helping himself feel better!

Yep. They will say all kinds of stuff to assuage their guilt/shame/etc. In a similar vein, they utilize all manner of blame and justifications to alleviate their feelings too.

And they pop out more during anniversaries and other special dates. The past weekend’s 33 year anniversary being an prime example.

He stated out of respect for me he was spends the whole day alone. So BIG of him!

Good for you seeing right through his BS. There is nothing respectful about what he is doing.

I was starting to feel a bit better like I had more control over my emotions and now I feel deflated! However, I know if I can do it once I can do it again!!

Absolutely you can do it!

It only feels like you are back at ground zero. You aren’t. You have knowledge and experience. Gained hard-earned wisdom in the latest exchange.

Everyone has setbacks. Which turn out to be rather misnamed in my opinion. These times usually end up promoting significant forward progress for the LBS.

You got this my dear. Focus back on you. Keep moving forward.

D

[MamaG]

Lonelee, I caught up on your thread and totally remember feeling as you described. Reluctantly, I listened to DnJ and eventually dropped the rope. I still get sucked in but have come a long way. It's hard. Very hard. What feels logical and normal was changed up.

Giving my H space is the greatest gift I've ever offered him. And, turns out it was a gift for me too. I'm not longer on the emotional rollercoaster. Aim to not reach out for 2 days and then see if you can stretch it to 3 or 4 days. With time, it'll get easier. Not easy. But, easier.

We're here. Supporting you. You're not alone.

[lonelee]

Thank you everyone! I appreciate you all supporting me and letting me know I am not alone and not quite the idiot like I feel. Believe me I've beaten myself up a lot so I appreciate your kindness where live been much harder on myself. I will be keeping my distance and my comments and thoughts to myself going forward in conversations with spouse and sticking to business only.

[lonelee]

I made it seven days no contact! He contacted me and I did not respond. It's a start. Difficult indeed!

[Caligirl]

Lonelee

Good job not being roped in ! What are you doing for GAL and to improve you ? Best version of yourself . Keep distancing yourself . H is on a rollercoaster you are not getting on .

[lonelee]

TY Caligirl!

I have been trying to engage with family and friends frequently. I have been journaling daily my thoughts and fears, reading here a lot and have finished both DB books. I have some additional self help, self improvement books on standby and have scheduled a therapy appointment for next week. I'm feeling ok but just feel like some outside unbiased solutions/suggestions would benefit me. I have also scheduled an appt with a lawyer to get some questions answered for myself for some piece of mind even though neither of us are thinking we want to divorce at this time. I'm curious about the need for a legal separation, perhaps.

Always looking for additional support and suggestions that anyone may have for me! Thank you!

[DnJ]

Good Morning lone

I made it seven days no contact! He contacted me and I did not respond.

Well done!

Give yourself a good 24-48 hours before responding, if at all. The couple of days grace allows your emotions to calm and to see if his communication even requires a response.

I have also scheduled an appt with a lawyer to get some questions answered for myself for some piece of mind even though neither of us are thinking we want to divorce at this time. I'm curious about the need for a legal separation, perhaps.

Knowledge is power. It is wise to seek counsel. To gain information about your situation - rights, responsibilities, legal options, likely outcomes of said legal options/actions, and so forth.

If you need financial protection or security, get it. Elsewise, leave the heavy-lifting to H. (IMHO )

I'm feeling ok but just feel like some outside unbiased solutions/suggestions would benefit me.

Reading, journalling, self improvement books, the inner work, engaging with supportive family and friends, all good stuff. Also, GAL!

Get out and do something - for you! With you! Go for a walk, a jog, a run. Dig a garden, shovel snow. Go to the gym, join a kickboxing class, beat up a punching bag, whatever. Sweat out those feelings. While engaged in activity one let’s go of (doesn’t focus/reenforce) their feelings for a while.

We all live and travel four roads/paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. These are all interconnected and influence each other. Feeling sad causes similar thoughts and moping around, for example.

Out of the four paths/facets, we only directly control two: physical and intellectual. Our thoughts, actions, and reactions. We directly control those. We have the ability to immediately escalate or extinguish our actions or thoughts. Which in turn affects emotions and beliefs.

Emotions are born from our non-rational realm. They can be triggered or initiated by thoughts, activities, and other inputs; both internal and external. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish, if/when not reenforced. Feelings are fleeting. As one’s subconscious calms so do their emotions.

Beliefs, values, convictions - the spiritual path - is the slowest to alter or change. This slowness to change, this lack of knee jerk altering, makes this particular path excellent for one’s headings and direction. Especially, once one has categorized and (re)realized their underlying tenets and values. Strengthening that which serves, crafting that which one aspires to, and discarding/altering that which no longer/doesn’t serve.

To follow one’s deeply held tenets brings very few regrets. (Decisions based upon emotions almost always lead to regret, for the “reason” for the decision extinguished rather quickly and the consequences can be very long lasting, even permanent.)

However, that belief work is a long project, and one needs to be detached.

To influence one’s emotions, to influence one’s detachment:

As mentioned earlier, it is interesting how our emotions affect our thoughts and activities. The converse is equally interesting and very important. One’s thoughts and physical activity affect/influence one’s emotions (and beliefs). And we control our physical activity and thoughts!

An experiment/example:

Smile. Right now. Smile.

Bigger.

Curl your lips up. Show a little teeth.

Ok, relax.

Now, frown.

A big, pouting frown. Lips and forehead pursed down.

Ok, relax.

See how when smiling, you felt happier?

See how when frowning, you felt sadder or less happy?

Even forced smiling and frowning, affected your mood/emotions.

Our subconscious reaction is just that - a reaction. And we can directly influence it. Note: not directly control it, influence it. We directly control the stimulus. The thoughts and actions.

This is the “magic” of GAL. Living and loving your life. Doing things for you. Focusing on you. Finding you. Picking up hobbies and joyful activities you likely set aside for marriage and family. We all did, by the way. Responsibilities, work, kids, etc, all commanding/requiring parts of our day. Along the journey, over the years, we lose touch with some of that deeply held, profoundly held, joy and identity. Find you - again.

Likely, you will discover you are not far off the mark. You lived/live authentically. You just feel lost.

Detachment. Time and space. Finding you. Allows those feelings to flit. Yes, new feelings will pop up, and one allows those to flit as well.

Eventually one’s beliefs likewise (re)discover/regain their foothold too. Which definitely promotes and influences one’s tenets.

We live on these fours paths; like cars along life’s highway. When your four cars - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - are all travelling together, side by side, the same speed, and the same direction, you have peace and contentment.

All journeys, no matter how epic and grand, all start with a wee step.

It can start with the smallest of actions - a smile. A walk.

D