I’ll reply in more detail when I get the time, however just quickly…
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She's still lying to me even though we're separated.
This is something you’re going to have to work on.
Men get super caught up in right and wrong and blame being placed on the right place. Women get caught up in avoiding accountability and making everything they do someone else’s fault.
If you challenge her on lying about her plans on NYE, she will double down and things will ramp up badly.
You absolutely can not get involved with trying to hold a woman accountable for her lies when she’s in the middle of an affair. She will do anything and everything to avoid being at fault. This is normally when women start making false accusations of domestic violence/coercive control etc.
Do not engage. Tell her you’d love to have the kids on NYE and spend quality with your children.
Wanting a cheating wife to own her behaviour and decision is what we call a “cheeseless tunnel” around here.
Whose fault is definitely something newcomers struggle with letting go.
If there’s a chance you still want to repair this (even though she’s clearly a cheat and a liar), the ONLY way that happens is if she works out for herself that she’s made a bad decision. Never, in the history of divorces, did a husband save his marriage by convincing his wife she was partly responsible and holding her to account. In fact, that’s a guarantee of acrimonious divorce.
The only way you repair this from here is by ignoring her, not engaging, being your best self and Dad, and hoping she joins the dots herself and realises what she lost.
I second what Kind says above. Trying to get your S to own their contributions at this point is a cheeseless tunnel. They aren’t there yet and may never be. To do so would contradict their current view that you are the problem. It certainly won’t attract them back to you if the experiences they have with you leaves them with negative vibes when you’re around. I would often ask myself if what I was going to say or do would make me me more or less attractive to a partner (not specifically my own S but anyone with whom I get into a serious relationship with). I asked if what I was going to say or do represented the best “me” that I aspire to be. When the answer was no, I would STFU as Ready2Change likes to say. Work on yourself and for yourself at this point. No matter what the outcome for you relationship, trust us that this is the best path in the long run.
