You are correct, it’s wild what will affect one’s confidence during these situations. Believe me, the shifting between confident and questioning is perfectly normal, and temporary. Such shifting, and the emotional being dragged around, fades and confident normality does return.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
And what do I do if a question about our anniversary comes up. Tell them nope didn’t do a damn thing, while my BIL is probably planning something for their 25th in Sept. Do I cry in the bathroom and act as if? Very lost on this one.
Tell them, “I remained home this year” or “H and I remained home this year”. No need to go into further details. Just a simple factual answer.
It’s ok to cry. Some advice. Schedule it. You scheduling a time, and place, a when and where to allow yourself to feel and explore helps with your emotions not building to the point of bubbling out during inopportune times. A scheduled periodic “forced” reflection also fosters uncoupling and detaching from triggering stimuli; as well as fosters healing, after all you have to work through your emotions, nice to do so on your choosing.
Scheduling has a start time and an end time. Perhaps getting up ten minutes earlier. There is that fleeting moment when you awake, while you still do not realize, are not aware, of the situation. Then it all comes back.
So, after that reality return, set a timer for five minutes, and sit on the side of the bed. Cry, think, whatever. Just let your thoughts and feelings kind of go. Once the timer goes off, the five minutes are up, wipe your eyes and go about your day.
At the beginning, several scheduled times are likely required. Morning, coffee break(s), and an evening one. Slowly you’ll “need” less, and you’ll remove a scheduled time, and/or shorten the time. Eventually getting to just one five minutes a day, to three minutes a day, to one minute, to none.
That’s scheduled times. You will get to when you can go about your day without any scheduled times. Sure, there will still be the odd moment or event that brings up something, yet it will be far less debilitating. A lot less having to finding a place to cry and let it out.
In the interim, schedule a safe convenient time and place to feel what you have to feel. It’s emptying your emotional bucket before it overfills. Eventually that stream will become but a trickle or drip, and filling takes a lot longer.
Get a nice card for BIL’s 25th. I suspect you’ll likely be involved or present in their celebrating. A hug and congratulations.
It is most wonderful to hear from you. I am so happy that you and H are doing great. Likewise to hear you are continuing the French lessons.
Focusing on self, detaching, some of the best things one can do for themselves during a spouse’s crisis. It’s a difficult journey the LBS walks. I’m sure you’ll agree, your wisdom is hard-earned. Thank you for popping in and sharing.
The idea of how Job, Cadet and this forum were helping me with my husband's crisis came to my mind often, I'm grateful for all your help and words of wisdom, just want to say hi and let you know that husband and I are doing great, life is sweet now, so, thank you !!
The French lessons still going on; look back, that's the best thing I did for myself - go to the class and learning again.
Well I’m doing kind of better. Between my finger and everything else I still kind of lose it sometimes. My finger is healing well and it’s not quite as bad as I thought it was. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. It’s crazy how this has set my confidence back.
Not going anywhere for the 4th which is fine. I feel like we would kind of be imposing on my in laws because of FILs health. Still planning the trip at the end of the month. H will be going with the girls, the plan is for me to go but who knows if that will change. H’s whole family will be there. I’m think he likes that since he can get away from me. But who knows. My MIL and I very close. We usually end up taking walks a lot in the morning. Spend a lot of time talking. I keep thinking, how in the he$$ I’m going to do this without losing it. This could be my last trip to my happy place. The place that h and have gone to even before we were married. In-laws have a condo there and we rent a cabin on the lake. The place that my kids turn down other vacations for. So many memories there. And what do I do if a question about our anniversary comes up. Tell them nope didn’t do a damn thing, while my BIL is probably planning something for their 25th in Sept. Do I cry in the bathroom and act as if? Very lost on this one.
Otherwise status quo. Had a lot of fun with d17 and h Saturday night. H decided to play songs from our college days and we all hung out and sang and laughed. Even d17 said she has a really good time. He said bye babe as he left the other day which I’m trying to not read too much into. I slip like that every once in awhile. But he has been very careful not to so I was shocked. But again trying not to read into it.
I can never tell whether I’m snubbing or ignoring or just doing my thing. I feel like I need to be the better person sometimes. Treat H like I’d like to be treated. Right now I just try to keep things short and sweet.
You're doing great. Regardless of what happens. You are getting your life in order and being a great version of yourself. Fight for those hours, you deserve it.
So another conversation from W. She is now talking about letting her dad know her situation. Says she cant change her feelings. I ask how is she feeling and then she opens the flood gates... I wont list it all but some of the key points...
Still a lot of regrets about different aspects of our lives together or differents points where her life could have taken a different turn. About how she couldn't get through to me emotionally and that it wasn't her fault. Can't say she has a lot of regrets because we got our kids. Was never fully into me but more interested in our house project. The last few years together weren't fake. About a time I didn't say the right thing that hurt her. Regrets hurting me and bringing us to the situation we are in now. About how she is exhausted thinking about where to live but it will be as close as possible to our current home. About how she appreciates my patience in allowing her to live here.
I listened, mirrored, validated and didn't defend. Thanked her for the talk then went back to my house projects. The conflict in her is obvious. As are a few cracks in her emotional walls. When she talked about finding somewhere to live I told her she'd handle it fine. I know she would.
Yeah we had to have the papers notarized and I'm assuming he sent them in. He can't even give me a final divorce date. I asked him for it at the UPS store and he asked why I wanted to know. Uh, isn't it important to know when I'm going to lose all my benefits? I haven't brought it back up because I don't want to talk about divorce stuff, and I'm estimating we still have about 5 months before it's final, so I'm going to give it some more time for him to hopefully change his mind and not need to give me that date. Same for the will and trust we need to get done to leave the house to each other in case something happens to either of us post divorce. He hasn't made a move on that either, I'm hoping it's because he sees us staying married. It benefits him as well after all, having the property go to him instead of my family.
I looked online and there's a court hearing set for August 19th I think. Not sure what for or if it can push the final date further out. Last time I got divorced we went to this "fast divorce" place and signed everything and 6 months later I was a free woman. It was all in the paperwork. He wasn't giving me anything and I just wanted to be away from him so that was just fine with me.
Home life is still going great. We do thoughtful things for each other and spend time together when we're not working or studying. No arguments, great sex, no fights over money now that I'm getting more hours at work and making more. I did run into a snag with them not giving me consistent hours though since I've only been working 8 hours a week due to a work injury 10 years ago. I'm going down to the union office tomorrow to file a grievance. They're required to give me at least 24 a week per the union agreement and to qualify for benefits. I hope it goes well. I need this job. I have no backup plan and I have to show him that I can take care of myself financially.
My eldest son’s wedding was this past weekend. That’s my two oldest boys now. The twin grandsons were awesome and got lots of attention. Some of my son’s and DIL’s friends have kids as well, so baby fever is starting ramp up among the “next” generation of parents. I’m suspecting it won’t be long until another grandkid announcement will be coming.
The wedding service and weekend went well. The weather cooperated granting good sunshine filled photos and a wonderful outdoor service and celebration that lasted well into the nights.
XW and OM both did attend. Their weekend was spent mostly sitting by themselves. Few interactions with guests, few interactions with kids, and no interactions with family. Myself, my mom, my sister (and her family), my aunt and cousin, XW didn’t speak to any of us.
Breaking the ice between XW and I, like I did last wedding, did occur to me. However, there was no need to, nor opportunity well presented. I was quite busy and having an enjoyable time.
The most likely opportune time would have been during the meal as both XW and OM were seated at the parent table. Sitting, across the circular table, was an interesting surprise as the seating arrangements were simply posted. I suppose, really, there was/is no need to be forewarned.
Like our other son’s wedding, XW refused to partake in any speeches. So, like last time, I was asked to go solo, and give a father of the groom speech.
I’ve been to a few weddings and heard many cringe-worthy or otherwise horrible speeches. This weddings: ALL speeches were awesome! Touching, loving, sincere, genuine, with some humour. So glad I was second to speak, as the bar kept getting higher and higher.
I followed the parents of the bride. They had two specific toasts within their speech. The first was to the bride’s now deceased grandfather. Special decanters of his favourite sipping liquor were on every table, and all toasted this wonderful man and the principles his instilled. This really lit a belly fire in folks.
This, and the pre-ceremony drinks, and empty stomaches, made for a most fun crowd.
My speech, as many people found me afterwards and told me, I knocked out of the park.
My son, gave me no direction or request of what he wanted. Just keep it under 5 minutes. So…
I started right out of the gate thanking and toasting everyone for being here and celebrating with the happy couple. A big cheers.
Once the noise settled, I thanked and toasted to the bride’s parents for hosting the event and their hospitality. Another huge cheers echoed within the tent.
I then spoke about my son, his life, how proud I am. Followed by a cheers.
Then onto DIL. How beautiful she looked and how beautiful she is. How I hope she felt as welcomed as she always made me feel. Then the official welcome to the family. Cheers!
I then went into a bit of how I likely was suppose to pass on some wisdom from the older generation of marriage and love and such. With everyone now feeling good, all sitting on the edge of their seats:
Marriage is more than a spiritual communion; it’s also remembering to take out the trash.
Big laughter. Big cheers!
Then, spoke to the newlyweds, had everyone raise a glass, and those that still could - stand, and toasted the happy couple. CHEERS!
OMG! The noise. lol.
The only louder crowd screaming was during the cake cutting. My son, well the whole family, loves Lord of the Rings. The wedding had a LOTR theme, with the cake being a replica of Minas Tirith.
My son has five swords. When he unsheathed a full-size Glamdring and held it above his head, the tent erupted. Then both son and wife holding the near five foot blade cut the cake. What a great time!
Dancing and partying went until 2:30 am. What a fun night.
By chance, as I was coming back from the dance floor, I did see XW and OM making their exit at 10:30 pm.
The next morning was a pancake breakfast at 9:00 am. Both Dad’s, me and host, were up at 6:30 am getting things squared away and ready for the hungry folks.
Around noon, the breakfast over, tear down well underway, and my labour now not so much needed, I gather the twenty chairs I brought, and Mom and I returned home.
Sorry to hear about your hand. Hopefully your injured finger heals quickly.
It is interesting how H took you to the hospital and remained there with you. Another insight into the duality (or more) and confusion he is living.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
Good questions, and good answers. “I don’t know” is a good honest answer. Until you really face something like betrayal due to an affair, you don’t know what you’d do. And even then, it takes lots of time to find your path.
Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself grace. It’s perfectly ok to be uncertain to such, especially while they are still rather theoretical and/or unconfirmed.
Yes, the old status quo will not be resumed. You know, and see this.
Glad to hear the last two months have been productive for you. Well done!
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Things like not being able to enjoy her dinner because kids are messing around and she has to rush. The kids are being kids but W always sees the negative. A sign of depression in my opinion.
W will see things through her own lens. And yes, most times she will tint everything with a negative hue. Remember, she is feeding her narrative, her vision and reasons. Let it be, and don’t take the bait.
You see the conflict within her. Let her feel it. Do not assuage it for her. Also do not amplify it on her. Validate when/if she shares or brings something up, otherwise let her walk her path and work her way through her maze of feelings.
You, continue to focus on you and the kids. Being the best you and Dad, you can be. Being a lighthouse. Maybe, hopefully, W steers away from the rocks.
I am sorry. Has the paperwork been sent in? Finalized?
While STBXH (or XH) bounces around, flipping and flopping, do keep moving forward. Live your life. Continue your progress and growth. His confusion, that fog, is going to take quite a while to lift. If it ever does. Or if he will admit it. They do tend to dig themselves into a hole. Don’t you get mired in the bog with him.
There are many aspects of Divorce Busting. Saving yourself is one of the top tenets. It sounds like you are placing your oxygen mask on and looking after your interests. Continue to heal and grow and lead your life, allowing XH to catch up if/when he chooses to.
Remember he is like a timid squirrel and will run from suddenness, too much pressure, etc. For a while he will be “running from” things. When one is healed and is at peace with their demons they can/will “run towards” something/someone. That’s a big difference.
It’s the same for the LBS. Is one moving forward towards their headings because they aspire to be, or is it more to get away from. Be it pain, hurt, whatever.
Of course, this is not a switch. It’s nebulous. Both running to and running from are both in play for a time. Slowly the balance shifts, and the majority reason shifts. Therefore, it’s good idea to every once in a while to purposefully sit and consider one’s headings. Limits walking in circles. Sitting still is still moving forward.
The quickest way through the bog is a straight line. When one finds their life’s headings, their aspirations, and then journeys towards those; I found to be rather effective. One might spend more time, well invest more time within the crucible; which in the long run will be worth it.
Hey MamaG, {{hugs}} and seeing again many parallels with your latest post.
Wow, has it been three weeks? Whew! Lots of bits and pieces to tell. XW behaviors and I'll need some feedback... A conversation yesterday resulted in a few "aftershocks" running through me. ... resisting the pull of my melancholy side.
Maybe I'll have the time and energy to tell the tale later this week as I'm on travel again. Clarksville, TN this time. An acoustic sensor that tells the operator what it hears and in which direction it is coming from...
Time and energy... yeah. Some weeks I more just focus in with me and mine. Sometimes not more to give...though I know I can't stay there. I met in person for a bit with the church pastor again and filled him in on how things were going since we last talked in person more than six months ago. As we talked I realized 80%+ was about my three children...when he pointedly asked, "G, but what about YOU? What can I do to help?"
I thought a bit. Peopling is needed. Especially building a wider net of men around me. So he introduced me to a member who has a motorcycle shop and a group who go riding at least once a month.
Now for the motorcycle. I did get the helmet and gloves after all. Perhaps it will be part of my ocean...
Some Say the Ocean - The Hip Abduction
Well I’m dreamin’ of a place far away There’s something calling my name
And my heart is losing touch day by day Need more than just an escape
Far from the city and dread Somewhere that time don’t change
Some say the ocean Under endless skies Will bring you back to life For the rest of time
Some say the ocean Helps leave it all behind Can even free your mind A soul unconfined
give it a listen and let the feels flow out
g
ps. a reggae spin now. It started when the children and I went to the beach for the first time this year. Though I end up with diverse playlists. Mountain biking Saturday in the mid-day heat, 94F and 99% humidity, to a playlist Spotify generated and called: techno house balinese ibiza island music beach reggae local boating roots hippie
A few weeks ago I did a thing. The details don’t matter, but let’s just say I did something stupid, was completely my fault, but really was an accident. I won’t be using much of one of my fingers all summer. When it happened I told D19 that she needed to take me to the ER. H doesn’t do well with anything hospital related. I didn’t want him passing out and wasn’t sure I wanted him there. H insisted on taking me. I said no D19 will take me and again he insisted. So I let him. He kept me from going into shock on the way there. Lying there all I could think about was why the h was he even there or cared. I even told him he could leave. He told me I was being silly he wasn’t leaving.
He asked the next week what he could do to help. I told him. He’s helped a few times but mostly I get tired of waiting for him to do it and take care of it myself. Maybe that’s on me. Not sure. I have a hard time asking for help. D’s have been amazing and help whenever I ask.
Father’s Day was good. D’s were surprised I didn’t get H a card or something. I told them well I made our big breakfast. I thought H would disappear again like he usually does on Sundays but he actually wanted to hang out with D’s and I. Just like old times. D19 has really been calling him out about never being home…at least once a week it comes up.
This injury has really set me back. Two steps forward, three back. I know I can get back there I just feel like I’m starting over.
I had dinner with my good friend that completely gets what I’m doing. One of the few that know anything is going on. She’s amazing. She asked some good questions that I’ve actually been pondering. How long can I go on like this. I said at least until the end of summer and then we’ll see. Honestly I don’t know. She also asked what I would do if he truly is having an affair. Again, I don’t know. Depends on the circumstances and his reaction? I don’t know. She was happy to hear that if he does change his mind things won’t just go back to status quo. Work needs to be done and things need to be figured out.
I sprung that dinner on him. Texted him on my way that I was going. Wasn’t going to tell him but wanted to be the better person. The next day I did a lot of cleaning so I showered late in the day. He asked if I was going out. I said I had no plans right then. He said oh I thought you would since you just showered. What? I swear some of him questions are getting weirder.
I still don’t know what we are doing for the 4th. Vacation or not. I’m not bringing this one up, it’s on him. I did find a place for the dog just in case. I mentioned that we were invited to a friends house if we didn’t go. That was a few weeks ago and he just said he didn’t know yet. This has also been dependent on his dad’s health which we just found out is fine now.
He keeps asking if I’ll be able to swim when we go on out big vacation. I told him I’d figure something out. His parents will be around for that one too. I don’t even know how I would act around them. Normal. Try not to cry.
Anyway. I’m trying to get back to that better place I was. Calm confident kind. But short on details and things he doesn’t need to know about.
Two months have passed in limbo. Not much has changed with the marriage but a lot has changed in me.
Only one notable talk since, I've been flexing my new communication skills a bit, I asked W how she was feeling and got some insights. 'Its over. Disappointed. Sorry'. I brushed over the 'sorry' and asked more about the disappointment. Found a Black Swan in that she doesn't feel a legal claim over our house due to the way I inherited it, I have yet to confirm this, as I think once I go down the road of legal advice that will be the real beginning of the end. She mentioned about the house being where she gave birth (internal conflict). She said what comes next will be difficult. I said that its not what I want but that she deserves to be happy.
She said she has seen my changes. 'Like you've had a personality transplant'. 'I hope the next person gets the best of you'. I haven't had a transplant but I have been finding those parts of me that were hidden or suppressed and have been letting them out, integrating them. I told her I started making changes thinking it would bring us closer but realised I needed to do it for myself, which is the truth. I thanked her for opening up.
I'm really living life at the moment but trying hard to balance it with being present at home.
Father's day was interesting, wife took a few days away as I was heading away on a work trip after. The kids and I had a fun morning, we made a nice breakfast. W wanted to wait until she got back to do gifts so we did wait. She arrived just as I needed to leave. The gifts were nice. Just as I was hugging the kids to say goodbye oldest boy said to W 'are you not hugging daddy?' She came over and put a hand on my back - the first touch initiated by her in over half a year.
In the last while I took wife, kids, MiL out to dinner. Wife sat pretty much turned away from me the whole time, conversation was very scarce with her. I talked more to kids and MiL. and then when I do get an answer to a question it is usually negative. Things like not being able to enjoy her dinner because kids are messing around and she has to rush. The kids are being kids but W always sees the negative. A sign of depression in my opinion.
I've set myself a deadline for when I will start to bring this to an end. It made me much happier to know that all this isn't forever.
MG, Overall I think this was a very positive experience. What I love the most was that you weren't even trying to DB. You were present in the moment with you and your kids... and that's when life gets beautiful.
How people feel about us... is really none of our business. However they look at you, whatever they think of you... let them. Your focus is where it should be. Sharing memories with people you love and that love you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
It's confusing. I'm reminded that Divorce Busting is counterintuitive. At the party, I was comfortable with H doing what he wanted. I was doing what I wanted. I didn't have an urge to bring him in or otherwise. Choices. Actions. Consequences. Afterwards, as I reflect, I felt like I was snubbing him. Rude. I question if I should've been the bigger person and waived from a afar as I walked up the driveway? Isn't ignoring toxic? Avoiding isn't healthy. Was I avoiding? Accepting his wishes and behaving accordingly?
I ask because being a better human is in my cards. His return isn't mine to control. Kids are watching. Kids followed and didn't engage either. .
Detachment is hard ain't it?
Here you are about to pick up the rope here in your post
.... AND YET.... you check yourself.. and decide not to.
Originally Posted by MamaG
As for me, I've done more reflecting on how I contributed to the fallout of my marriage. This has helped me. I enabled him descent. I'm not condoning his coping techniques nor anything he's made decisions to do. Still, I'm able to see that doing more isn't the answer. Carrying his weight isn't the answer. Excusing what he lacks isn't the answer. Fixing everything is control and not helpful. Still learning. Still healing. Still hurting. Beginning to thrive.
Really well done. THIS ^^^^ is the work. It's not about ignoring our feelings or our love for our SO. It's knowing the part we played in the story our marriage. It's about re-discovering the part we need to play in our own personal story.
This is a conversation and debate you will have many times with yourself. It's part of the healing process. You are exactly where you need to be.
We LBS are the strong stable parent. Reach out to son.
S and I talked - he now knows. Hard convo but I made it happen before S and D had plans. They've been talking. Both are processing. Processing without me. I often would talk with each of them 4 or 5 times a week. Haven't heard from them much. I'm giving space.
Nephew's graduation party was last Saturday at SIL's house. I wasn't sure if I'd attend. S came in to attend and spent the night since the commute is long and the following day was Father's Day. Shortly after S pulled in, D pulls in with BF. I was surprised to see her as I hadn't heard from her. The 3 of them are planning to go. I asked if I could join them.
D: Go get dressed. We'll go for an hour and leave. M: Sounds good. Give me a minute so I can prepare a greeting card and gift.
The 3 of them played basketball in the driveway like old times while I got ready. My heart was singing.
We head over. Walking up the driveway, we are greeted by SIL who has some confusion on her face. She didn't expect me to show is all I could think. I notice teenagers and H who are playing yard games (no greeting/acknowledgement in either direction) on our left, as we make our way over to the adults who are sitting at long stretches of tables. Most had eaten. We greet several friends and hug/kiss uncle 1, uncle 2, BIL, FIL and GF.
Grabbing our plates, we sit at a table where there are 4 seats - happens to be a ways from H's family. We eat, laugh and enjoy each other. Over comes SIL who is her usual self - negative spewing, complaining that she can't wait for the party to be over, it's so cold and on and on. [I don't miss this.]
Several family friends stopped over to say hello and catch up. SIL's best friend was one of them. She asked how I was doing with a concerned demeanor. In response, I tilted my head, curled my eyebrows and proudly let her know, "We're doing great. Things are great." Caught off guard, she adjusted and we talked about other things and comfort - for her - returned. Not sure what SIL is feeding her but that may have changed the narrative.
There were lots of looks our way. I was comfortable unlike at the commencement, but could certainly feel the eyes. Many of sorrow, concern, confusion. The 4 of us, unrehearsed just simply behaved as we always had and laughed often. Genuine enjoyment. My heart was so full in that moment. D kept saying, "Why does dad keep looking over here?" I told her I didn't know.
We hadn't even finished our last bites when uncle 3 and aunt came and sat with us. We talked about the family wedding later this year and they told me that they were glad that I decided to go. SIL said in return, "I don't know why she has to go all the way over there to get married. We're not going." I could see D drinking STFU smoothies (Yes, I've introduced both kids to these nutritious treats.)
A few minutes later, the rest of the family at the other table flocked over to us one by one and sat with us at our table - all uncles, aunts, FIL, etc. We were always the center gatherings. Full of life and excitement. Now I see it.
Meanwhile, H kept looking over and listening to our laughs and interactions. Genuine. Joyous. Comfortable. A family life he once was a part of. Here we are on his turf and they're all moving towards us. I was glowing. Family and friends are even more confused now. They're wondering how actions (our engagement) and words (SIL and H) aren't matching up.
We left after an hour and the kids were happy they went and that dad stayed clear. And mostly, that H didn't approach us.
It's confusing. I'm reminded that Divorce Busting is counterintuitive. At the party, I was comfortable with H doing what he wanted. I was doing what I wanted. I didn't have an urge to bring him in or otherwise. Choices. Actions. Consequences. Afterwards, as I reflect, I felt like I was snubbing him. Rude. I question if I should've been the bigger person and waived from afar as I walked up the driveway? Isn't ignoring toxic? Avoiding isn't healthy. Was I avoiding? Accepting his wishes and behaving accordingly?
I ask because being a better human is in my cards. His return isn't mine to control. Kids are watching. Kids followed and didn't engage either.
An hour later, we picked ourselves up and walked out together in laughter and with a skip in our step. Walked down the driveway, past H and teenagers and into the car....
S and I booked flights for the wedding that night. D got a big-girl job now that she graduated and is waiting to hear if she can attend the wedding with us. It's a big trip and quite a bit to book. H's family wants me to go. I want to go. Kids want to go. We're going.
The next day was Father's Day. No messages, no breakfast, no Happy Father's Day to H. None of us reached out. I'm sure he felt it. Maybe he'll wake up some day and realize all he's left behind. Maybe not.
Father's day was beautiful. We celebrated my dad in our typical warm style. Surrounded by food and family. Some games and lots of love.
As for me, I've done more reflecting on how I contributed to the fallout of my marriage. This has helped me. I enabled his descent. I'm not condoning his coping techniques nor anything he's made decisions to do. Still, I'm able to see that doing more isn't the answer. Carrying his weight isn't the answer. Excusing what he lacks isn't the answer. Fixing everything is control and not helpful. Still learning. Still healing. Still hurting. Beginning to thrive.
Power washed the back patio for a few hours. Took some time to start up the washer, but with some cuts, bruises, words, I made it happen. Have another couple hours ahead of me today for the front walk before I head over to niece's dance recital.
Cancer check-up on Monday. D is coming along with me and has plans for ride. Yesterday, D listed out the calls she needs to make. Decisions to ponder. Timing to consider. She's a bit overwhelmed with needing to move out of college apartment in the next week and all she needs to do to find housing near the new job. She'll be home for a month or so and then will move towards S, being only 10 minutes down the road from him. It comforts me that they'll have each other. They want to be together. D said to me, "Mom, just move near us. Why not? You love the ocean so it could work." While it sounds appealing, my career is here and I certainly know that they may move again in a blink of an eye. I need stability.
Much like when they were born, parenting adult children doesn't come with a manual. I'm doing what I can to be the stable parent. Provide space as they think through their life's changes. Not fixing as I know that's not what they need. Listening. Offering advice when requested. Loving them always.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. There are no plans for him to move out. We put it in the contract that the mortgage will be paid for 50/50. He couldn't afford his own place AND pay the mortgage, rent is way too high here. He's focused on learning two languages right now and plans to go to engineering school in Mexico. We're in San Diego, close to the border, so he would be coming back and forth if he decided to stay there for the week to be close to the school. He also still has his business here and he's going to have to keep working. Somehow he thought that I was going to hold him back from doing that, when I've never told him what to do. I have been nothing but supportive, even though I hesitate sometimes when he throws me curveballs like "I wanna move to Thailand or Japan", like who wouldn't have questions? Yesterday I told him that it sounds like he's going to have a grueling schedule and to let me know if he needed help with anything, that I'm here for him. He appreciated that.
Our relationship is still going great. He seemed sad and confused last Sunday. I asked him if everything was ok and he said, "yes, I guess." It's the same thing since I made my 180. He likes the new me but doesn't want to lead me on and is confused and conflicted. Part of him wants to stay and enjoy this, I'm sure, and the other wants to follow through with the divorce to not feel trapped again, even though there's no immediate plans to stop acting like a couple, even though he says we're not. I just need to give him time to realize that this is the new me and she's not going anywhere, and that seeing his positive response to her, makes it so much easier to keep up, so it's not like I'm doing something I cannot sustain.
JoJo12, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I wish I hadn't been given a reason to search for a forum like this one but am certainly glad I found it. Albeit, I found this site a year after my first bomb drop and 5 months after the second bomb drop. Everything hit the fan at the second bomb drop.
I stop in to share with you that I could've written your last entry 1.5 months after BD2. I was certain that I could sway H. After all, we were different than other couples. We led a fairytale life. Kids moved to universities and we now had the run of the house. Minimal bills. No one to interrupt us. No kids to shuffle around. Life could slow down and it would be just us.
Despite living exactly what you described in the last entry, H moved out at 2.5 months post BD2. I was crushed. H was trying. I was doing all I could. We both seemed to be making amends. I learned later that H was conflicted and some force kept pulling him away. H fought. Some days he won and some days...well, temptation won. H shared with me one night as I held him tight, "It's like a switch flipped and I don't know how to flip it back. I'm trying and can't seem to flip it. I'm drowning in these waves." As I tried to physically pull away to get a drink of water, H pulled me in tighter and begged me to not let him go. Still, H moved out...down the street.
Remain hopeful. All the while realizing that there is little (or nothing) we can do. H is an adult and will make his own choices. H is on a journey. Live your journey.
One of many comments shared by this group is to drop the rope. It took me a LONG time to understand this. Well, mostly to embrace this. It still takes deliberate thought and decisioning to not rescue H in the few times we interact.
We understand and send you encouragement. Keep posting. You are stronger than you know AND I encourage you to continue following guidance given here. Veterans continue to help me on my journey and I'm so thankful.
Another interesting thing happened last week. H got home Thursday night about 10:30…drunk. D19 and her boyfriend were in the kitchen when he came home. He said hi, looked at his phone, chuckled, answered it, and walked outside to take the call. When he came in d19 asked who it was. He said my brother called me. D19 told me about it. Mom I know he was lying about someone calling him because I saw him answer the phone. She also said that she didn’t think it was his brother. She didn’t know who it was. Well I can guess. She’s really starting to call him out on stuff.
Then D17 went to the library sat to get some homework done. I asked h if he could pick her up when she was done so I could go to D19’s bf’s baseball game. Sure h said no problem. He gets home with her (I assumed she was working the whole time) and she’s pissed. He made her sit there for an hour so he could finish playing golden tee. And he acts like she’s over reacting. I was pissed but vented to a friend.
It’s like he’s just begging for a fight over stupid things. I don’t get it. And I still don’t get why he wouldn’t tell me about the lease. So frustrating.
But I did get me ring back and it looks brand new!
I’m glad you decided to attend Nephew’s graduation. At the moment, he is still family. And there are less regrets this way.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I was uncomfortable in my own skin and remained visibly controlled. Well, this is graduation #3 that both of us attending with inspirational speeches we can't avoid. They all focus on being authentic, living without fear, face challenges, relationships are what matter most when you look back, don't hide from your feelings, and on and on. Other than laughing with D and a couple family members in front of me, I remained quiet and reserved.
I hear you. I was uncomfortable for a while as well.
I’ve had five graduations now, and in a week will be the second wedding. The speeches don’t bother me anymore; for a I live them.
I didn’t choose this path, XW did. However, I can, and I did, choose how I responded to it.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by DnJ
Truth will out. You need not force it. Everything comes out eventually. Live and love your life - accordingly. Responsibility. Properly. With accountability. Respectfully (to self and others). Genuinely. Sincerely.
Isn't that the truth!?!
As father of the groom I’ve been asked to make one of those speeches. It’s also expected for the parents to say a few words. XW has opted out, both times. Sincerity. How do you give a few words at a wedding regarding love, honour, respect, commitment, etc. when you are living the opposite.
Anyhow, I’ve accepted. And like last wedding, I’ll go it solo. The speech, and attending. lol. I’m pretty comfortable in my skin.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D: You need to tell brother. He's disappointed that you don't tell him things.
Pay attention. The door has been opened. Adult kids are looking for the truth.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D: Mom, I'm so angry with him for what he's taken from me. What he's done to me. And now what he's doing to you and our family.
You don’t feed this fire. You also don’t try to extinguish it. It’s not your job to facilitate or repair the relationship between Dad and kid; it’s your job not to destroy it (by your hand).
Acknowledge D’s feelings, her anger, and such. And help her walk her path, her journey. How she responds to a situation she didn’t choose.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D: Don't worry about telling brother. He's had enough of dad too. M: What do you mean? You know he doesn't share with me. D: He's called and texted dad many times over the last couple months and dad doesn't respond. M: Wow, I didn't know. D: Ya, brother's last text to dad wasn't a good one. D: Brother texted, "Dad do I have the wrong number? I've been reaching out but am not hearing back from you." M: I'm sorry D. I'll talk to S.
MLCer’s become terrible parents. They ghost their own kids. Especially those who hold them accountable.
We LBS are the strong stable parent. Reach out to son.
Now, at times, your kids are going to lash out at you. Lash out undeservingly even. You see they cannot risk loosing Dad yet, so they vent at the strong stable parent.
That be said, I suspect daughter is about ready, or really close to being able to blast/talk/say her piece to Dad and let the chips fall where they will. Son will follow suit shortly.
Don’t fret. It’s perfectly healthy and healing for them.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I finish my ride home with what seemed like never ending tears. I feel a surge of emotions. Life felt bittersweet in that 20 minutes - mostly bitter. Sad. Angry. Relieved. Validated. Disheartened. Oh those feelings! Can't seem to get away from them. It's been a weekend.
(((Hugs)))
I suspect those feelings have now subsided. Mostly.
I too have moments like that. Still. After eight years. Though, it passes rather quickly. Acceptance doesn’t erase your past or feelings; you just don’t fight them. In acceptance, I find I’m almost never angry about the situation. Sometimes, sad, melancholy, nostalgic. Vastly, living my life. Fulfilled. Meaningful. Happy. Hopeful.
It’s fine to have such feelings as you experienced. Calm the waters. Let your subconscious churn away, while you do some yard work. Or go for a walk. Or bbq a steak. Oh yes, bbq a steak. Yum. With baked potatoes. Mushrooms. Smoothed in butter. OMG! (I shouldn’t post when I’m hungry. lol)
Have a great day MG.
D
Let’s see, mmmm, yes that will do fine. <Me: Thawing a steak for dinner.>
Attend your nephew’s graduation. Nephew dropped off a ticket, and asked you, wants you, to be there. So go.
Yes, this is all true. Makes sense. I decide that I'll go.
D and I drove up. On our ride, SIL sent us both a text of where there were seats for us. We walked in and I was a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps more uncomfortable than I was willing to admit.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Behave accordingly. What would you do, if all the BS H has done, didn’t happen? Just regarding this specific graduation ceremony of nephew. You’d go. You’d behave in a certain manner. Speak to people. Congratulate people. Etc. So, do that.
As we approached the row, SIL has her arms out wide for an embrace. Ok, I'll respond to that. I'll dance with SIL differently than I did at D's graduation. It wasn't the plan but it is what I would've done had H not gotten into his shenanigans. Walked by nephew's GF and niece - embraced them both with a hello. Walked by H with no greeting as I hear him trying to still dance to the old music. H says, "hello" with a hope in his tone. I couldn't even look at him never mind muster a greeting. I kept inching past him and to my seat. I know the family in the row in front of us was all listening and watching. None of them have seen us together since last year.
D sat between H and I. She was uncomfortable but her behavior was not obvious to all. H's legs shook and he needed 2 tobacco chews through the 90 minutes. Never needed any before. Other than the leg shaking, outwardly, H behaved like life is grand. Faking it till he makes it.
Well, if I'm being honest, I faked it till I made it. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and remained visibly controlled. Well, this is graduation #3 that both of us attending with inspirational speeches we can't avoid. They all focus on being authentic, living without fear, face challenges, relationships are what matter most when you look back, don't hide from your feelings, and on and on. Other than laughing with D and a couple family members in front of me, I remained quiet and reserved.
Minutes into sitting: H: D do you want to get something to eat with me? D: No thank you. I ate before I came.
H did all he could to ignore D for the rest of the 90 minutes and engaged with niece's BF, as BF was on the other side of H. I know H was listening to speeches and everything going on around him. Hypervigilant. H often paused and I could see his mask come off when I looked in D's direction in conversation (I could see H on the other side of D when I looked her way). H even got excited that I may have been looking at him once and turned to look at me. NOPE.
Not having H in my life is hard. Not engaging with H on a part-time basis has become easier. It still requires deliberate thought and decisioning.
We meet up for pictures outside and await the nephew. In that 10 minutes, I greeted many (all are form our small town) and enjoyed some conversations. H pushed further and further back from the flow of traffic. Not sure why but he wasn't around me and no one asked for him.
Family of 5 in front of us took a pic with graduate, SIL/BIL took pic with graduate, I took pic with graduate, D took pic with graduate and H took pic with graduate. We needed 3 for our family. I felt it. Sister texts to share photos on social media. Yup, 3 pictures posted for our family. SMH - this isn't how I'd want to write this chapter.
D and I head out and run into AP's XH. He's super happy to see us. My face had already fallen in relief as I was bolting to the car. Stop in my tracks to greet him and off I go. Was AP in his circle awaiting their son?? Not sure. Doesn't matter. I kept walking and get on the road.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Truth will out. You need not force it. Everything comes out eventually. Live and love your life - accordingly. Responsibility. Properly. With accountability. Respectfully (to self and others). Genuinely. Sincerely.
Isn't that the truth!?!
D: Why do you hate dad so much? M: I'm not sure where that comes from. I don't hate dad at all. D: Mom! Something has changed and it's obvious that you hate him. M: Again, D. I don't hate dad and I'd like to believe that you don't either. D: What happened? What's changed? M: I kept driving. STFU smoothie D: I need you to tell me. You don't talk to him at all anymore. M: Tears rolling down my face. STFU smoothie D: Please don't cry. You're driving. I just need you to tell me. Did he cross the boundary? M: I nod in affirmation as tears pour out. I let out an exhale and grunt as I release pain. D: I knew it. This is why brother and I had a bad week last week. We've suspected. We knew something was up. Please don't cry. M: STFU smoothie D: This is why dad was so depressed and suicidal. It was guilt. Wasn't it? M: I'm sorry D. I didn't want you to know, but seeing as you asked, I won't lie to you. D: How do you know? When did you find out. M: It fell in my lap and I sent him the evidence a couple months back. D: What did he say? Have you talked? M: Nope. He ghosted me at which point, I got some bills in order as well as the car ownership aligned. D: Ahh. That's why you did it. You'd known that long? UGH M: STFU smoothie D: You need to tell brother. He's disappointed that you don't tell him things. Or I can tell him if you'd rather. M: This isn't info for you to share with your brother. I'll get around to telling him. D: We need to tell him soon. Brother and I have plans to do X on Tuesday. M: I don't know if I'll tell him before Tuesday. D: How sure are you? If you're 100% sure, I'm done with dad. I'll cut him right out. M: Then, I'm 99% sure, not 100%. D: Mom, I'm so angry with him for what he's taken from me. What he's done to me. And now what he's doing to you and our family. M: I'm sorry D. STFU smoothie D: Mom, you are so pretty. So much prettier than her, both inside and out. What kind of person does this to a family? Such an ugly person. M: Thank you, D. I appreciate your comments. D: We're getting you on a dating site. That's it.
We both laugh as I drop her off to her car. She then throws in. D: Don't worry about telling brother. He's had enough of dad too. M: What do you mean? You know he doesn't share with me. D: He's called and texted dad many times over the last couple months and dad doesn't respond. M: Wow, I didn't know. D: Ya, brother's last text to dad wasn't a good one. D: Brother texted, "Dad do I have the wrong number? I've been reaching out but am not hearing back from you." M: I'm sorry D. I'll talk to S.
I finish my ride home with what seemed like never ending tears. I feel a surge of emotions. Life felt bittersweet in that 20 minutes - mostly bitter. Sad. Angry. Relieved. Validated. Disheartened. Oh those feelings! Can't seem to get away from them. It's been a weekend.
D had a destination wedding to go to so I haven't talked with her. I called S to chat yesterday and he was driving with GF. Nope, not today. S should be in person. If not in person, S should definitely not be driving. I'll muster up some words to tell S in the next week.
Not sure I can make it to nephew's graduation party next weekend. I think I've taken all I can as this year's Mar-May was extended into June by graduations.
If you've been praying for me. This isn't the time to stop. Please and thank you. MG
Sitting, across the circular table, was an interesting surprise as the seating arrangements were simply posted. I suppose, really, there was/is no need to be forewarned.