Just remember at the end of the day its not worth fighting and giving up your values and morals for someone who is willing to give up a marriage and a stable family. God does not reward those who are given so many blessings and cant humble themselves to be grateful for these blessings. You have shown so much resilience and fortitude throughout this whole process, many of us admire your stoicism in the face of all the obstacles thrown in front of you, a lot of us could not do even a fraction of what you have managed to do, by being an amazing example for your children and by being a stable guiding force in their life when you have had to deal with a storm wrought by a lost soul. Sometimes it is best to be alone than to be with the wrong person, and when one can accept this God will bless us with the right person as a reward for our faith and perseverance. Your W will learn the hard way the lessons she has been given time to learn from up front but refused to do so. One cannot avoid fate and run from our problems, that road only leads to a giant wall. You are on the right path mentally and your children will be the gift from god that will give you life and love
Hang in there Grok. Just remember at the end of the day its not worth fighting and giving up your values and morals for someone who is willing to give up a marriage and a stable family. God does not reward those who are given so many blessings and cant humble themselves to be grateful for these blessings. You have shown so much resilience and fortitutde throughout this whole process, many of us admire your stoicism in the face of all the obstacles thrown in front of you, a lot of us could not do even a fraction of what you have managed to do, by being an amazing example for your children and by being a stable guiding force in their life when you have had to deal with a storm wrought by a lost soul. Sometimes it is best to be alone than to be with the wrong person, and when one can accept this God will bless us with the right person as a reward for our faith and perseverance. Your W will learn the hard way the lessons she has been given time to learn from up front but refused to do so. One cannot avoid fate and run from our problems, that road only leads to a giant wall. You are on the right path mentally and your children will be the gift from god that will give you life and love
STBXW Replies : "From now on dont send me these messages. Its been a year and a half since we split up. Please only message me if its in regards to the house or finalizing the divorce. If you are having a hard time please reach out to a friend or your conselor. Thank you"
Filter heavily. I translate messages like that to this:
STBXW Replies : "From now on dont send me these messages. Its been a year and a half since we split up. Please only message me if its in regards to the house or finalizing the divorce. If you are having a hard time please reach out to a friend or your conselor. Thank you"[/quote]
Every message you send should start like:
"To help ensure the divorce is finalized on time" then add the specifices such as " , XY and Z are needed" "To help ensure the house sells by " then add the specifices.
One of the best things I learned was this :
"If I don't hear back from you by "this date" I will do "this action".
as well as giving two choices:
"To help ensure the house sells on time, I have boxed up your things. Let me know what day you would like to pick them up and I will leave them on the porch. If I don't hear from you by next friday, I will donate them to goodwill. Regards, CatMan"
Hey Grok and all. Things have been busy at work so I'm playing catch-up. Grok, your reference to John Gray is spot on here. I agree there may also be some "testing" happening here.
Our new MC is doing a good job of pulling some things out of W that she's been unwilling to let surface or acknowledge. I've been happy with our progress. W told her L to postpone mediation. She is talking more often about continuing to work things out, and doing a better job of clearly and directly telling me what she wants or needs. She's also acknowledged that she's not spoken up in the past when she should've.
It is almost like she needed the MC to help show her a way back from filing for D. We aren't out of the woods yet. I continue to practice DBing, GALing, and balance the application of Sandi's rules with being responsive to W's positive efforts. It is tough to strike the right balance and, more days than not, I feel good about my words and actions under the circumstances.
Anyway, I hope that is helpful for others out there to hear. Keep working, applying the lessons and experiences in our community, and asking for help. Positive outcomes will happen.
Patt is spot on with her advice. Do take the focus off H, and focus on you. Drop that rope or be dragged. Letting go and standing can, and do, happen together. Embrace the gift of time.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I know he is having an EA (didn't understand until today). H admitted to EA in Feb and I told him at one point that he should feel strange after EA and not after me. This made him uncomfortable and such moments have dwindled. H was/is not totally comfortable but I thought I could keep affairs out of the pic this way. Not sure whether to continue or to start some snooping to confirm PA or no PA. Maybe I'll get the internal strength to snoop a bit....as I certainly don't need any shared diseases.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I honestly don't know much about his whereabouts because I would not handle snooping well. Simple stuff would have me spinning and I needed to be talked off my ledge.
Ok. So, H is smitten with someone. Perhaps it remained not physical, perhaps not. I’d not go snooping as it will send you spinning. Besides, how would you truly know.
Affairs are illicit and most do not like the light. Confronting a spouse, demanding to see their phone and such measures of their whereabouts are easily manipulated by these masters of manipulation and lies. They simply get a second phone and take their affair deeper underground.
You only control you. You don’t want to risk sharing a disease. One sure way, no cake eating.
Breaking of trust is a difficult thing to rebuild. H needs to consistently demonstrate positive behaviours. Is he anywhere near that?
If H is in a EA. Chances are it will become a PA. Let it go. Focus on you.
Affairs are a symptom, a mere band-aid. And, unfortunately, they need to run their course. H is broken and chose, was driven to, having a relationship outside of the marriage. Until he feels consequences of his actions, some rock-bottom painful consequences which are not of your doing, he will not change. It is very rare for one to alter their life. Most take the comfortable easy path, until pain forces them to shift headings.
H needs to feel his consequences. Give him to God. While you live your life. You can certainly pray for him, speak with him, and such. However, he has/is fired/firing you as wife, let him feel that. Focus on you, and not be an emotional support for him.
Time and space. Right?
With such, hopefully H someday realizes that “hey, MG hasn’t spoken to me or been around for a while and my life is still all confused and mixed up. I’m still unhappy.” Then with some good fortune, “hmmm, perhaps she’s not the cause. Perhaps, it’s me.” And if he is strong enough, he’ll hopefully start to look inward and start dealing with his demons.
Originally Posted by MamaG
DnJ's comment about potential sexual abuse in his childhood has me thinking and I plan to ask him straight out at some point when the time is right. H has a good memory about his childhood - doesn’t seem to be gapped in years or moments. But, I've not narrowed it out. I know with certainty that his uncle 10 years his senior was abused by a family member's neighbor. Can't help but wonder if H was too and perhaps covered up by family. Unless someone guides me otherwise, I will ask H if he was abused.
I’d not do that.
Oh my, so much pressure!
H is likely to explode and since he likely cannot/will not accept the roots of his trauma, he will lash out at you.
Realize whatever long ago trauma(s) there are/were, H buried them for self preservation. He had to! And he has to uncover said trauma(s) in his time and on his timeline; which is so very slow. You cannot speed it up. Anything you do will likely delay his progress or worse derail it.
You know there was previous abuse in the family and they covered it up. The family’s actions and behaviours is very likely the root of H’s trauma. He was directly abused or was exposed/heard about stuff and had no one to speak with or report it to.
The most horrible thing one can do to another person, is betrayal. A betrayal of trust, betrayal of faith, runs deep. And those wounds exist for life. They really do. Even for us LBS.
Healing is possible. It takes digging deep into ourselves, doing that inner work, and forgiveness. The wounds can heal. Personally, I love the idea of kintsugi; putting pieces back together with gold. Our scars, golden, an expression of hard-earned strength and beauty.
Some folks do not do their hard work and suffer festering wounds for their entire life. That’s anybody: MLCer, LBS, kids, family, friends, or otherwise.
At this time, H is not ready. His wounds are barely realized (if at all) and far too raw. Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
However, your wounds, you can definitely work on and heal.
I occasionally read on the forum but haven't replied or been on for years. My original screen name was Spirit, then changed to Mirage. I've been divorced for probably 14 yrs. It's hazy now since I'm way past all of this but you asked about MLC. I'll give you my version of going through MLC.
Take the most amount of pain you think you can handle physically and tranfer all that into your head. For me I constantly had mental anguish. My main goal was to make it from waking up in the morning(that's if I even slept, most nights a couple hours) to evening without feeling like the mental pain was going to end me.
MY MLC lasted for 2 1/2 years. This is a rather short MLC from what I read and understand of it. and I have read volumes and feel like I am a pro. I break MLC into 2 categories internal and external. Mine was internal so no woman, cars etc. I went inside myself and read as much as I could on the subject. I found things that were helpful along the way which eventually lead to exiting the MLC tunnel(a much better person). The outside MLC'ers will last longer in my estimation. I was able to find the source of my pain and come to grips with it but still took 2 1/2 yrs.
MLC'ers run. that's what they do, and confused most of the time. They run from that pain I described. Don't take this the wrong way. my opinion only and have been shatised on here for it in the past. only a certain amount of people make it through MLC to the other side. I wished everybody did but it takes a certain internal strength to look at the things that stunted you in your past, deal with then take responsibility for it.
You asked, I'm as honest as I can be to what it was like for me. People that have MLC's and make it to the other side can give insight. MLC'ers that do not will tell you years later that you don't know what your talking about.
For the record. I went through an MLC at 40 came out of it at 42 1/2. I think I came out of it a better man. but at 44 my now EXW went through an MLC(details in my story somewhere on here) but we never reconciled and from what I hear occasionally through my now adults kids still shows a lot of MLC tendencies. Also for the record I got an e-mail approx 12 yrs after bomb day just to check test the water and see if there was any chance.
MA, I spent some time reading up on your story today and am astonished on so many levels. My initial BD was around the time of yours - Feb 2023. But, I had no idea that this was a MLC until Feb 2024. I did many things wrong in that year and suffered many tears of confusion, anger, disbelief, etc. As I read through your year, it is so very different from mine. The only window of crazy monstering was from Aug to Oct. There were tough arguments, sadness and discontentment before Aug and then after Oct but not red flag monstering - just marriage issues that we work through. For me, the tough thing is that he runs. Abandoned house, kids, me a month after BD2 and quickly bought a house down the road. H calls that house 'home' and it triggers me. I'm working on that.
I am so sorry to hear how much your H monsters and am impressed how you don't get sucked back into his emotions when in the moment. I am weak in comparison to you. And, still question if abandoning H is the right approach. H's family isn't all too engaged or actively concerned.
A comment that caught my eye in your post is, "We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar. I was the wage earner & we lived a good life, nice house, nice holidays etc. I think this was also a trigger for his MLC." Like you, I saved H financially and emotionally some 32 years ago We've lived a co-dependent life but unlike your H, my H contributed to the house and family. H cleaned, picked up, organized, coached, cooked, mowed. He would gaslight and walk away from conflict, but as a whole our co-dependent relationship did run a house and kept the family afloat through busy child rearing days. Interestingly, as I reflect, he didnt do much parenting - that was all on me. My question is: Why do you think that you providing for him triggered the MLC? My H is struggling financially now too, doesn't contribute to 'our' home and has spewed that I make more than he does and he's struggling to pay bills. First, I don't know how to respond to such commentary, but secondly, I'd be interested in learning why you think saving him and financially providing for him could have triggered MLC.
Stay strong - your ability to manage him and your situation is impressive. I don't know that I'd be as strong.
Just to add in I realy have been working on myself and doing a lot for myself and kids. I know it isnt about me and i cant fix him or reason with him. It just gets to be a lot with it all up in my face everyday with him being home know. He has been home for about 7 months now. it is getting better when I can almost line draft out where we were a year or two ago. I just need a reset I guess. I hate when i let myself do something that will not benefit me.
You have to try to stay busy. Idle time and an unoccupied mind are your biggest threats right now. The posters that have traditionally struggled the most have done GAL the worst. They would sit doing nothing large parts of the day, and then come here and talk about how much they struggle.
Stay busy. Occupy body and mind as much as possible. Get out and hang with friends, read and focus on learning new things. Exercise. Any minute you are sitting doing nothing gives your mind the opportunity to wander and start thinking about things you shouldn't.
Remember, struggling is a choice you get to make. Choosing to stay busy is how you choose not to struggle. It's within your control!
Hey MrP, thanks for checking in. I continue to move forward with my process and have filed D. As many here understand this is a tumultuous time and it's taken a lot of energy and focus to remain emotionally resilient for myself and my kids. Being sober has helped enormously as has prioritizing sleep, fitness, and a healthy diet.
I spend a lot of time with my kids especially on weekends and this weekend will be no different. Love it. They are still unaware of what is happening and it breaks my heart to think of what's ahead so I focus on the present.
Highs and lows. I've strayed at times from behaving in the way I want to but each time I find myself re-centering faster, like a rubber band whose elasticity increases with time. Perhaps this is the long-awaited detachment taking hold.
Summer is around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. A good friend just bought a small boat and we plan to spearfish up and down the coast all summer long. I want to teach the kids to surf this year too, something that I spent years doing and brought me a lot of happiness. Camping trips are booked.
So that's all for now. I still check the boards weekly and appreciate you asking after me. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in and continues to check in.
Hi Folks, Just for starters my mother was very ill from late 2022 till Tues 24th Jan, when she started to improve greatly. I stayed with her bar 3 days starting on Christmas eve. The doc's couldn't find what was wrong with her. Her carer's were not allowed to lift her up, they were only coming in the mornings anyway. So I helped nurse her better. I knew that she was getting better, when she could start to eat some things. She had some of my portion of fish, chips (french fries) & peas.
By the 20th of Jan 2023 I found out my mentor & friend Tom died on the 9th Jan. To the folks who were close to him knew him as the weeping lost sheep evangilist. So his funeral took place on Friday 27th Jan. The day I told the carers I was moving out & they would also now put Mum to bed as well as the morning. On the Friday 27th she also started back at day care (4 days a week).
Well I was the only one in the family apart from my youngest daughter Dawn to have contact with my middle daughter Louise (not their real names). I sent her an email & she replied with the following, titled: I’m going NO contact with you from now on
I can no longer pretend that I’m happy to continue playing my role in our family dynamic. The fog has been lifting for me since my life changed for the better in 2020. I know this will be hard for you to comprehend. There can never be any resolve over the past because I know that you have no desire to make the unconscious, conscious. This is why I can’t be my true self in my interactions with you. For the most part, I’ve been playing the nice ‘good girl’ role since childhood, in order to keep the peace & to keep me safe from harm/conflict. Whilst I’ve given you an indication of why I need to go no contact, I don’t want to go into any more detail because my lived experience as a member of our family is a world away from what you imagine it to be/have been. I know this to be true, as you re-wrote the actual reality of the time when Mum was a member of our family dynamic too. After Mum left, keeping quiet on what I knew to be true about that situation was always a necessary coping mechanism, to ‘keep the peace.’
I want to finish by saying that since early 2021 I’ve been following the guidance of a true spiritual teacher. This is how I’ve managed to find the strength to go no contact with you. I know I found this teacher for a profound reason. Just like I know generational trauma has fallen hard on me for a reason. I am a conscious being & I’m choosing to follow the path of soul ascension. In time, I am going to heal all my wounds. As long as I have a life to live, I’m seeking liberation in every way possible, therefore going no contact with you is a necessary part of the healing journey I’m on.
Going forward please respect my wishes for absolutely no contact in any form. I don’t want to receive any texts, emails, cards, letters, phone calls or voicemails from you. This is the way it has to be from now on. ---------------------------------------------------------
I get it, T. Company is good and, if you've got your mind in the right place, the gender of the company doesn't matter. And, especially in the evenings, options for social engagement can be limited and many involve blowing money and drinking.
I've been keeping an eye out for cultural events that are open to the public as an alternative. It can be a great way to mix things up with a new crowd that has at least one interest in common with me. I've also had some co-workers and neighbors bugging me about hanging out so I've finally taken them up on those offers. Much like 180s, you just have to proactively keep trying to identify different alternatives, ideally things you've wanted to try but haven't or things that you know you'd enjoy and take it from there. I may have said this once before...and heard it from a former counselor...it is also important to be able to self-soothe and spend time alone without relying on others for comfort or company. That is one of the best pieces of guidance I'd ever received and I've made major progress on it since then.
Indeed I also understand what you mean by things feeling "temporary" or surreal in some ways in our situations. For me, it has helped to just revisit my short- and long-term goals and make sure I'm making progress on things like retirement (+10 years out), relationships with family and friends, mapping out what D13 has coming our way over the next few years approaching high school and college. Phew. That generates enough to keep my mind and body busy alone!
Anyway, good to hear your update and looking forward to more down the road. Take care. P
