Hi I'm new to the MLC thread. I'm just looking for other people that understand what I'm going through. I feel like friends and family roll their eyes, like yeah right when u try to explain what is happening. They want to man bash and I'm not for that. Even though hurtful things have been said and done I feel like H is just as confused by all of this as I am. My BD was Sept. 11, 2022, 2 days after his 51st bday. We have been married 31yrs, I've been with H since I was 15yrs old. Weeks after the BD he was so irrational like a chicken with his head cut off, opening up separate acts, looking for second jobs, walking around with 2 cell phones hanging out with a 25yr old co-worker, smoking pot, drinking. October he filed for an online divorce, as if I was gonna sign that...SMH He would have rage some nights, calm/emotional some nights just all over the place. November 28th I came home from working 16hrs to find an empty apartment, he had moved everything out. I had no place to go as our apartment was tied to his job. Thank God for BFF'S she put a camper in her backyard and I have lived here for a yr now. I have probably done every "Dont" in this situation. I have begged, pleaded, bought gifts, paid his car payment, conjugal visits, I have probably done stuff not on the list, I pray it hasn't pushed him so far away that there is no return. He had quadruple bypass in January, I was wondering how that effects what he is already going through???? If anybody might knowđ Also would like to know if their person's eyes were dark like they have no soul???? There is no communication and hasn't been since August 2023. Wondering if this is part of the withdrawal phase??? September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything. I don't want this and I didn't choose it. I'm still believing for a miracle and praying he snaps out of it. I feel like at times I am crazy, I just want him to wake up.
Welcome to the boards. I certainly do understand your wanting and wishing to find folks who understand, and to be rather bold - more importantly to find folks who know and have lived what you are going through and experiencing. That eye rolling is a very common reception from the uninitiated to hearing about a midlife crisis and its horrible devastation. Most people's only information is the almost comical Hollywood version and characterization in which a man struggles, cheats, and gets a red sports car. The truth is very much, not that.
I am glad you started a thread here in the MLC section of the site. Lots of posters do start out in newcomers, though that's not some rule or anything, just a starting a point is all. And with your situation perhaps the MLC section will better suit your needs. (By the way, your thread can be moved if in the future you feel it better suited elsewhere, you need just ask me. I found this forum stuff all rather overwhelming when I made my first post, so no worries.) No matter where you hang your hat, there are plenty of kind compassion folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
I will paste a copy of Cadet's Welcome Thread below for your reference. There are quite a few links to a trove of good and useful information. Some homework for you.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Also would like to know if their person's eyes were dark like they have no soul????
Oh my yes. Those lifeless dark shark eyes are a pretty commonplace feature of a person in crisis.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
There is no communication and hasn't been since August 2023. Wondering if this is part of the withdrawal phase???
In reference to MLC, the withdrawal stage occurs after replay has runs its course. The typical six stages: Denial, Anger, Replay, Depression, Withdrawal, and Acceptance.
A few things. A midlife crisis explodes as one's long ago trauma(s) are unearthed. These traumatic events usually happened to the MLCer when they were very young and emotional immature, and perpetrated from someone in a position of authority. The very person suppose to protect and nurture.
A youngster does not have well developed coping mechanisms and cannot reconcile their trauma(s), and as such the child buries their pain; for it's the only thing they know to do. And things buried alive will come back to haunt. At midlife, 40-60, is a time of life's reflection. At midlife those demons will no longer remain silent.
MLC exploding is really from our, the LBS (left behind spouse) point of view. To us, that bomb drop, is the beginning. However, the crisis actually starts with the MLCer's denial. Many months before BD a small ceaseless feeling starts inside them. Slowly it grows. Ever constant. Ever persistent. My wife, post BD, told me she thought she was going crazy. She had such confusion and depression. She cried all the time. And she hid it from everyone. Such is denial.
Two of the main hallmarks of MLC are confusion and depression. Do realize, MLC is emotionally driven. MLC is not rational. A MLCer will not listen to, nor heed rational logical reasoning. They will, and do, try all kinds of running behaviors in a futile effort to end their torment and unwanted feelings, and their oddly juxtaposed simultaneous numbness. Depression is ever present, it is the most basic underlying fuel for their crisis.
A MCLer cannot handle being wrong. They truly cannot. They will blame and project upon their spouse, their kids, whomever and whatever they have to. They will craft, and do believe, their narratives to support and justify their new life. It's bewildering to witness.
Bomb drop is usually the start of the replay stage. This is when the MLCer tries to relive what they feel they missed out on. They become the complete opposite of who they once were. And this stage lasts, well it lasts as long as it needs to. And that time is measured in years. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Anyhow, I do empathize and understand. I've seen some truly horrendous behaviors first hand.
Do focus on you.
Give H plenty of time and space.
The seeds of MLC were planted far in H's past.
In time, and with good fortune, H will someday realize that he is still unhappy and Whatlee hasn't really been around. Then, with even more good fortune, H would then consider that maybe his unhappiness has nothing to do with you and he starts to look inward.
A MLCer is on a journey we thankfully were not invited upon. They have to traverse it. And once started they have to finish it. Nothing you do can stop it. Nothing you do can speed it up. At best, any efforts would be neutral, the more usual outcome is just prolonging of the crisis. The MLCer needs to discover his hidden trauma. You didn't break him, therefore you cannot fix him. The best you can do is time and space. (((Hug)))
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize postersâ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forumâs display.) A moderator will âcloseâ your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other peopleâs thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Gosh, what a shock it would have been to come home to an empty apartment. Thank goodness your friend made available her backyard for you to park a camper.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I have probably done every "Dont" in this situation. I have begged, pleaded, bought gifts, paid his car payment, conjugal visits, I have probably done stuff not on the list, I pray it hasn't pushed him so far away that there is no return.
Yes, begging, pleading, and so on weâve all done it. You could twisting yourself into pretzel and no matter what you do it wonât be enough, because his pain is not about you.
You now know the folly of such pretzeling. Give H time and space. Leave him to a higher power. Let the man upstairs work upon his heart and soul.
And donât fret, youâve not pushed H too far away. His path is not of your control. H may, or may not, awaken from the crisis that has consumed him. What you can control is to become the best version of yourself. Regardless of H and his path. Become a woman only a fool would leave.
Divorce Busting techniques and strategies first and foremost save you, while also giving you the best chance at saving your marriage.
Take another read of DR and the last resort technique section. Thatâs the idea here. You let H burn through his feelings sans you. To give time and space for other feelings more helpful to your cause to surface within H. Feelings like grief, shame, regret, and such. Feelings that H is actively running from.
I know itâs difficult. Focus on you. GAL. Detach.
Give the lighthouse story in the welcome links a read. Thatâs an excellent solid foundation and way to shine your light.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
He had quadruple bypass in January, I was wondering how that affects what he is already going through?
A crisis brings forth great fears and realizations of oneâs mortality. Such a surgery would likely amplify those feelings and further their compulsion to run. For a few, I could see such major surgery could have the opposite affect, an awakening affect, the snapping them out of it. These kind of awakenings are very rare. And given Hâs surgery was back in January, and he continued running, Iâd say that didnât happen.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Weeks after the BD he was so irrational like a chicken with his head cut off, opening up separate acts, looking for second jobs, walking around with 2 cell phones hanging out with a 25yr old co-worker, smoking pot, drinking.
Sounds like replay. A MLCer runs during this time. They try all kinds of stuff. Behaviours to feel what they feel they missed out on their first go around. Some running behaviours include spending, drinking, drugs, illicit and/or illegal activities, affairs, and so on.
Affairs are staggeringly common in these situations. Do realize all of these behaviours are mere symptoms of a crisis. The affair partner, if they exist, means nothing. They are a band-aid, a desperate attempt for the MLCer to feel better. Well, in truth, to feel less worse. Itâs an act of desperation.
Desperate people do desperate things.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything. I don't want this and I didn't choose it. I'm still believing for a miracle and praying he snaps out of it.
You are on two paths: There is the emotional and healing path. Your journey to becoming. Your journey to wholeness and healed. This is the bulk of your work.
The other path is the business side of all this. Divorce, separation, treat it like a business deal gone bad or sideways. For thatâs what it is.
Now, if you need financial protect or security then get it. Otherwise let H push his divorce forward. Let H own it.
Some MLCers spend little and some burn through the coupleâs entire lifeâs savings. Do keep watch of any still joint assets and liabilities. After a year, and Hâs hurried creating new accounts weeks after BD, and no house by the sounds of it, Iâm thinking financially you may be rather insulated from Hâs financial problems.
I do recommend posters speak to a lawyer early on. That is just for gathering information. After all, knowledge is power. And if their spouse changes course suddenly or ramps up proceedings, they are better prepared to respond.
Thatâs the nugget here. Let H drive his divorce. You donât place boulders on the path, yet you donât pave it in gold either. You take any formal proposals to your lawyer and then respond. Ensure you get a fair deal.
H has presented you a divorce proposal. Iâm glad you have a lawyer and are seeking legal counsel. This is the business side of things, keep emotions out of your decisions. Do whatâs logical and right for you. Treat it as business.
I understand you do not want to do any of this. And yes, you didnât choose this. You do control how you respond to it. Remember, you cannot nice him back. Pretzeling does not work. If H is pushing for a D, get the best deal you can. In fact, that is more likely to have a positive influence on H than not.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I feel like at times I am crazy, I just want him to wake up.
You are not crazy. You are entangled in Hâs strange behaviour and world. MLC is wild. I was quite dumbfounded when my W went off the rails.
These situations, the advice, is all rather counterintuitive at first. It will likely sound and feel wrong for a while. Have faith. Detach, let go, and step away from Hâs rollercoaster. Let him ride it without you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
All of this info has been very helpful and has made me feel better, hopeful. Should I continue to invite him to church? Or would that be pushing him away from church?
How does H respond when youâve previously invited him to join you? Does he attend church with you?
Generally, someone looking to âget awayâ will distance themselves from pursuit. This ramps up a lot higher for a person in crisis. They run from pressure. Emotional pressure. Things like relationship talks, invites, wanting to date, hold hands, etc.
Do more of what works, and less of what doesnât.
For example. Itâs ok to invite see if H would like to come along on a family picnic. Youâre going on the picnic whether H comes or not. All you are doing is letting him know you are going, and he is welcome to attend if he wants to.
Same for church, picking out Christmas tress, going to a birthday party, etc. And importantly, you donât âinviteâ him to everything you are doing. In fact, donât.
Whatever his response is - doesnât matter. What I mean is, expectations. Dial your expectations down to zero regarding H. He might tag along, he might blow up, he might ignore you. Whatever. You keep moving forward, and go about your life. Leave him to God. Let H be mad, or sad, or angry, or such. He has a lot of depression and torment to work through, let him brood.
Unmet expectations create resentments. If you were to invite H to something. And you deep down expect him to say yes (or even no), and he does the opposite, you will resent it, and him. Resentment builds. And eats away like acid at a relationship. Another reason for giving plenty of time and space, and letting go.
Like I alluded to above with âor even noâ. This resentment even occurs when you expect H do something negative and he surprises you and does something positive. The aforementioned example. Invite to picnic, while you truly expect H to say no. Then he actually says yes. (What?!? Of all the $#%. Every time I ask he says no! And now this time he say yes. WTF. This guy is driving me crazy. Sheesh. I only asked to be polite. I have other plans. Arggg.) Keeping expectations dialled to zero takes some practice.
Hope vs expectations.
Itâs good to hope. Hope is timeless. Itâs when one ties a timeline or deadline on to hope that it becomes an expectation. Nothing kills hope let a deadline. Remember, unmet expectations lead to resentment. Hope is an incredible wellspring of strength and fortitude, and can be easily and unwittingly be poison by expectations.
Anyhow, back to your query.
H is not acting like a husband you deserve. He moved out all the furniture. Left you to live in a friendâs backyard. Over the past year he has still had some benefits, cake eating, conjugal visits. He has presented you with a petition for divorce. I suggest letting him be. No more invites.
H needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. He needs to miss what he is throwing away, before he may turn back. Realize, in his mind, he has incorrectly demonize and blamed you and the relationship for all his ills and pains. In his fantasy narrative, H believes he will feel better if he gets away. And a fantasy needs a good strong dose of reality to break it. And even then, it is very difficult for the dreamer to smash through and awaken. Most folks, not just crisis folks, most folks donât want to wake up. Accountability and responsibility are seldom embraced and truly sought out.
How did you and your lawyer respond to Hâs divorce proposal? Was Hâs offer generous? Fair? Lopsided? Terrible?
Keep moving forwards. When needed, respond to Hâs legal proceedings. Other than that, let him be. No pressure. No R talks. No cake eating. No sitting around pinning for him. Focus on you. Live and love your life. Let him feel and hopefully realize what he is throwing away.
Standing is not standing still.
What are your plans regarding your living arrangements going into the future? Make plans for you!
Hope you have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything.
Just to clarify, you now have an atty and a response was filed with the courts?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes I do have an atty and we have filed a response. That happened 2 wks ago and I haven't stressed it. My atty said his atty wants to settle, I told my atty to drag her feet, I wasn't in any hurry to settle.
DnJ His filing was basic, like somebody that may b just got married. Just your basic incompatibility BS they put in everbodys papers. He doesn't want to give me anything says he don't feel like he owes me anything. That I got everything he has/had during our 31yrs of marriage. My atty however is mean and I am letting her handle it. As far as my living arrangements, although living in a camper isn't ideal right now I can't afford too much else, gonna wait and see what happens with this divorce filing and see what I might can afford then.
Do not engage with your h about the divorce filing. Let the lawyers handle this. It's par for the course, that he doesn't want to give you anything. However, as his spouse, you should be getting part of whatever was accrued during the 31 years of marriage. Your lawyer will handle this for you.
Try to keep the focus on you. I know it is difficult to deal with, but you need to step outside the boxing ring and allow him to fight with himself and his demons.
The more you attempt to talk to him, the more he will dig his heels in.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't engaged and don't plan on it, gonna let my atty handle whatever comes my way legally. Very strange though, I was expecting a blow up when he got my response and he has done nothing....idk
